Politics

Here’s The Good News From The Australian Election

If you're feeling rotten about the results of Australia's election, here's some news that may comfort you.

by Amanda Yeo  19 May 2019
Tony Abbott concession speech election

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The sun has risen on the aftermath of Australia’s election, and left-leaning voters are morosely soldiering on while Simple Plan’s ‘Untitled (How Could This Happen To Me?)’ plays on loop in their heads.

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Overall, this election was a pretty rough time for those on the left.

Scott Morrison’s Liberal party will once again form government, the Labor party is in the market for a new leader, and we no longer speak of Queensland. Polls had consistently predicted a Labor win, so the result came as an unwelcome shock for many.

Fortunately, it isn’t all bad news. Morrison and his anti-immigration solution to traffic jams may still be our prime minister, but there were a slew of undesirable candidates that failed to secure seats this election.

If you’re feeling rotten about the state of Australia, here are some results that may comfort you.

Tony Abbott Lost

Liberal member, former prime minister and raw onion consumer Tony Abbott lost the seat of Warringah to Independent Zali Steggall. He had previously held this seat for nearly 25 years, and it had been in Liberal hands long before that as well, so this is a historic change of hands.

Abbott previously tried to take credit for marriage equality, accepted the role of Special Envoy for Indigenous Affairs despite being a white man, said that Nauru was “a very, very pleasant island” while discussing immigration detention, and bet someone $100 that the climate will not change in 10 years.

Please enjoy the above video of him being taken to task by a bunch of primary school kids.

Fraser Anning Lost

Famously egg-headed Queensland senator Fraser Anning lost his seat on the Senate, which he only won in the first place because One Nation’s Malcolm Roberts got caught up in 2017’s parliamentary eligibility crisis. (To be fair, Roberts is no prize either.)

The leader of self-titled political party Fraser Anning’s Conservative National Party, Anning’s top hits include blaming the Christchurch mosque shootings on Muslim immigration, hanging out with far-right extremists, and using the phrase “final solution” in his maiden speech to parliament. Bye.

Clive Palmer Didn’t Win

No, it isn’t Clive. Despite Palmer spending $60 million on bright yellow billboards and inescapable TV ads blaring that they’d “make Australia great”, Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party did not win a single seat this election. It likely didn’t help that at least some of his alleged campaign volunteers were unable to name any of his policies.

There aren’t many of them either. ABC News points out that the “National Policy” section of the United Australia Party’s website is only 177 words long, and that overall there is an incredible lack of detail regarding what Palmer actually wanted to do if elected. What we do know is that he is a big fan of coal and mining, which makes sense considering how he became a millionaire.

One Nation Didn’t Gain

Yes, One Nation is still around, and we are all poorer for it. However, the party that considers the Trump administration’s immigration model something to emulate did not gain any seats during this election either, which kind of counts as a win.

In recent times, One Nation candidates have attracted attention for saying horrible things about Muslims, asking America’s National Rifle Association for money in exchange for softening gun laws, and accepting Mark Latham into their fold. Also, One Nation leader Pauline “swamped by Asians” Hanson was caught on camera questioning the Port Arthur massacre this March. So there’s that.

Lyle Shelton Didn’t Win

Eat shit, Lyle.