All The Ridiculous Nonsense That Went Down In Week One Of The Election Campaign

It was a bit horny, a bit racist, and very, very dumb.


Well, we’re one week into the 2019 Federal Election, and our esteemed politicians have wasted absolutely no time in getting straight to what they do best: fucking up.

This week we’ve seen our candidates greet voters in the wrong language, treat adults like children, eat a raw onion (again), and get weirdly horny in all the wrong ways. They’ve also made baseless claims about people with disabilities, forgotten their own policies, and made some truly disastrous sports analogies. In short: politics as usual.

There has, of course, also been some serious policy discussion in the mix, and you can peruse our full election coverage to your heart’s content here. For now, though, let’s look back fondly on this week’s biggest electoral fuckups. Only four more weeks of this to go!

Peter Dutton Gets The Campaign Off To A Strong Start By Claiming His Opponent Is Using Her Disability “As An Excuse”

We start our journey on Friday, April 12, the day after Scott Morrison finally pulled his finger out and called an election. Peter Dutton, not one to waste time, immediately cemented his reputation as one of Australia’s most loathed politicians by accusing Ali France, the Labor candidate running against him, of using her disability “as an excuse”.

The comments came in response to France’s claim that she was unable to secure a wheelchair accessible house in Dickson ahead of the election. France works in Dickson, and has released a statement in which she promises that if she wins the seat, she will buy and renovate a house in the electorate.

Peter Dutton, meanwhile, has made it very clear that he already lives in the area and is more than happy to spew his shitty opinions to anyone nearby. I guess we’ll see how that strategy works out for him.

Scott Morrison Demonstrates His Commitment To Diversity By Greeting A Korean Woman In Mandarin

The very next day, Scott Morrison visited Western Sydney to demonstrate his commitment to diversity, only to go ahead and greet a Korean woman in Mandarin. She immediately pointed out his error, and the whole thing was caught on camera. Real smooth.

Captain GetUp Posts A Deeply Weird Video Where He’s Rubbing Himself On A Poster Of Zali Steggall

Speaking of cringeworthy videos, weird conservative mascot Captain GetUp really stepped things up a notch on April 14 when he posted a video of himself rubbing his body suggestively against a poster of Tony Abbott’s chief political rival, Zali Steggall.

Why anyone thought having an orange spandex-clad figure essentially humping a billboard would increase votes for Tony Abbott is a mystery, but here we are. Needless to say, the video was pretty comprehensively slammed and was quickly deleted, though the internet never forgets.

Jacqui Lambie And Matt Canavan Do Some Truly Unspeakable Things To Poor, Innocent Food Items

April 14 was actually a huge day for poorly thought through social media content — not to be outdone by Captain GetUp, Liberal senator Matt Canavan and loose unit Jacqui Lambie both attempted to win the hearts and minds of voters by posting pictures of themselves eating food very weirdly, to say the least.

In Canavan’s case, this featured him following in the footsteps of noted role model Tony Abbott and chomping into a raw onion. Lambie, meanwhile, decided to deep-throat a sausage.

Conservative Columnist Piers Akerman Campaigns For Tony Abbott, Says It’s Not A Conflict Of Interest Because He “Stood In The Background”

Also on April 14, the longest day of the election cycle thus far, News Corp columnist Piers Akerman was snapped on the campaign trail with Tony Abbott, wearing a Tony Abbott shirt and apparently campaigning for him. Seems like a bit of a conflict of interest for a journalist to be openly campaigning for a candidate, but Akerman seems to think it’s okay because he “just stood in the background for the most part”.

Scott Morrison Combines AFL And Winx To Make A Clear, Relatable Analogy About Taxes

Scott Morrison is famously pretty keen on Winx, a racehorse he believes captures the spirit of ordinary Australians. On April 15, he tried to combine his passion for this deeply relatable horse with AFL to make a baffling point about Labor’s tax policy? We think?

“If you had Mason Cox riding Winx the other day, she probably wouldn’t have run as fast,” were his exact words. “You’re not going to put a big unit on a horse.”

Honestly, page us if you understood this one.

Famous Political Failure Tony Abbott Generously Offers To Lead The Liberal Party Again

If that last anecdote had you doubting Scott Morrison’s leadership ability, you’ll be relieved to know that Tony Abbott is ready and willing to take the reins again.

At an event at Manly Yacht Club, our illustrious former PM said while he won’t be entering any more contested ballots for leadership of the Liberal party, he’s more than happy to take his old job back if someone asks nicely.

“It will be up to the party room,” he said. “If they want me they will need to invite me — but I am not expecting that. I am not going to shoulder anyone aside for the top job, because for me it has never been about that.”

With the greatest respect, Tony, maybe stick to street libraries for now.

Adelaide Liberal Candidate Invites 10,000 Constituents To A Meet And Greet At A Cafe, Forgets To Ask Cafe Owner

On April 16, Adelaide Liberal candidate Shaun Osborn finally got his moment in the spotlight. Unfortunately, things didn’t quite go to plan.

See, Osborn managed to send out 10,000 flyers inviting voters to come chat to him at a local cafe. What he didn’t manage to do was ask the cafe owners if it was okay to invite 10,000 people there, and they weren’t too impressed.

Personally, I’ve never accidentally invited 10,000 people to a small cafe without checking with the owners first. If I had, though, I imagine a first step might be apologising for the mistake. Osborn, however, instead appeared in a disastrous interview where he tried to avoid admitting that he hadn’t contacted the cafe, instead telling the journalist “this cafe, regretfully, the message didn’t get through”.

Bill Shorten Asks A Grown Man How The School Holidays Are Going

Also on April 16, Bill Shorten goes out of his way to look like a fool by asking a grown man how the school holidays are treating him.

“It doesn’t affect me,” the man replies. Brutal.

And Then Bill Shorten Apparently Forgot His Own Policy, Worth $30 Billion

Speaking of Bill Shorten, the Labor leader brought this first week of Election 2019 campaigning to a spectacular close when he apparently forgot his own party promised tax increases worth a cool $30 billion dollars.

At a press conference on April 16, Shorten confidently told reporters that Labor had “no plans to increase taxes on superannuation”. That’s all well and good, except that back in 2016 Labor famously did promise to introduce new taxes on superannuation that would generate revenue of, oh, just over $30 billion. Yesterday he clarified, saying he thought the journalist was simply asking if there were any more new taxes on the cards. Oops.

There’s Still Four Weeks Of This Election To Go, And We’re Screaming

This is by no means a comprehensive recap, but I’ve kind of lost the will to go on. Check out our full election coverage here, and we’ll see you next week for the many incredible blunders to come.

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