TV

All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 8 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’

Nobody's gay for Moleman.

Bachelor In Paradise recap

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of Bachelor In Paradise, where we watch episodes of Bachelor In Paradise and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.


Well, well, well, if it isn’t you guys, the audience for all my worst decisions and my stupidest internal monologue. Lovely to see you all, I value and fear you, in equal measures — like small angry dogs, or my own feelings.

Speaking of feelings, I sat down in front of this episode just full of happiness, just absolutely chuffed at my good fortune. In this economy? During Ms Pandemic? I know.

But immediately, it became clear that this episode of Bachelor In Paradise is absolutely chock full of bad vibes, swimming in negative emotions, a sodden teabag of noxious straight nonsense, dipped into the boiling water of idiocy.

It probably didn’t help that prior to airing, the Bachieverse was rocked first by Jamie announcing that he plans to sue Network Ten over the way he was depicted in the show, and then supported by a bunch of other Bachelor alumni criticising the show’s editing process.

It’s no news that drama and beefs are basically engineered by the show’s producers through fancy editing and other manipulations, but there is a real feeling that maybe a line has been crossed somewhere lately.

It takes the fun out of it for us as viewers. It also makes it much harder to feel morally pure while mocking all these people and their heterotude. Guys — you don’t want to experience an ethical conundrum while recapping Bachelor in Paradise, it really makes you regret a lot of your life decisions! I’m fine tho!

However, I shall continue with my recap. Nevertheless, she persists! And that’s the kind of attitude that has taken me to the top of my field (of being a dipshit). Let’s rank!

“cowabungle”

MOST ANNOYING

Cass

To give Cass her due, it is extremely obvious that some of her meanest moments this episode were taken out of context, looped to sound incredibly harsh, and just generally given a Homer Simpson on Rock Bottom edit.

Homer Simpson GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

That said, there’s only so much you can edit, and Cass said some really nasty stuff, and had extremely mean girl vibes this entire episode.

It all began when Niranga decided to take Cass on a date, after Brittany absolutely lost her shit when he asked her first. First she’s like “What’s up Niranga. Always in a pickle Niranga!” which might be the most patronising thing I’ve ever heard.

Also — is he always in a pickle? I love the idea that while we’re getting 2 hours of footage of Timm hooting at the moon and Brittany bouncing around like a Gummy Bear and Ciarran disappearing into chalk sidewalk drawings — we’re missing out on Naringa getting tangled up in a big fisherman’s net, or having his key stolen by a seagull, or having to solve an island murder. Is Niranga having his own adventures?

Anyway, Cass reacted to the date invitation… poorly.

“I came here to drink milk and be mean, and let’s just say my bones are rock hard. Because of all the calcium in the milk! I’m mean.”

“Niranga has zero chance of getting out of the friendzone. I don’t want to go on a date with him, but at least I get to go out and have some fun, even if it is with Niranga,” she says — and sure, maybe the tone was more jokey than came across, but it’s still just a mean thing to say.

And she does not let up. Even if it was truly a “friends” date, I’d expect my friends to actually be… nice.

When some fire-twirlers come out, she says “oh this will be cool, at least I don’t have to talk to him anymore”.

Mean!!!! Just nasty!

Then later on, there’s this massive thing where Cass decides to give her rose to Jackson, tells Brittany about it, confrontations happen, drama drama drama, and then she does it. Seems unnecessary. Seems mean. Not a fan.

I will say I identified with the part of her date with Niranga where she says

“Why are we here? Why are we here? At this point I really only care that there’s olives on this date.”

I’ve been on dates like that.

Bachelor In Paradise recap

why is this the face of every girl who was mean to me at school, but always finished every insult with “I’m only joking”

Niranga

Speaking of Niranga — I was feeling really sorry for this poor forgotten boy!

Bachelor In Paradise recap

“nobody’s gay for moleman”

But maybe it was because Cass was being massively unpleasant, but he did start to get all friendzoney, asking her “what she wants” and telling her that “you sit there like a princess”. Cass has been nothing if not overt about not wanting anything to do with him.

Perhaps she even needed to be mean, because he was NOT getting the message. If so — I extend my condolences and apologies, and suggest she experiment with lesbianism as a tonic from the straightness of the men in question on this island.

Anyway, did not like that whole thing, but I’m also sad that nobody wanted to be in love with him, because he is very attractive!

Boys Boys Boys

Gosh, if there’s one thing I hate more than individual straight men, it’s when they cluster together. Sorry to these men! The ONLY groups of men I will endorse are when they are all clicking, and then dancing, and they are singing songs from Westside Story, and they are either the Sharks OR the Jets ( i am NEUTRAL)

Timm had been away at a wedding apparently (are they allowed to do that?), and when he came back he was surprised by a bunch of new boys, who he already knew, and he got excited and made them all go away and be boys together, which I hate. Maybe if they all sucked each other off, I’d be more understanding, but this seemed like a bad time. I don’t like many of the women on this island, but boy oh boy, I like them more than the boooooois.

Anyway — one of the Ryans had a smooch with Renee, the woman who Ciarran cheated on. Timm is angry about this, calling her Ciarran’s ex-missus, and calling this Ryan (Matt?) a snake for smooching her.

Bachelor In Paradise recap

absolutely living for the SHADE in all of Renee’s looks.

Honestly. I can’t stand it. Imagine having such a weird twisted butthole of an honour code where you’d “stand by” your shit mate to that extent, and not support the woman he betrayed.

Bachelor In Paradise recap

we should put on a musical

Boys!

LEAST ANNOYING

Mary

Mary and her Ryan (Connell? Connor? Condor? Lana Condor?) seem to be having a genuinely lovely time, and I just like that for her. She’s really fun and enthusiastic, and it’s very cute when she describes herself as having “hearts instead of eyes now”.

Bachelor In Paradise recap

cuuTe

Brittany

Litney is finally having a connection with someone. I want better for her than Jackson, who looks like he was invented by a bunch of Rugby scientists to try and sell weak beer to problem gamblers, but whatever!

Honestly, she opens up to him, and he just keeps saying generic boy things like “100%” and “yeah, struth, righto” and “whackadoo”.  Once again, I suggest: lesbianism.

Bachelor In Paradise recap

whackadoo

ANYWAY. I also just like Brittany’s dark energy this episode — I think people make the mistake of thinking high energy goofballs don’t have a spine.

First she made her position very dramatically clear with Niranga, and then when Cass was being both patronising and pass-ag, and asked Brittany who she would give the rose to other than Jackson, she answered by being like “why wold I tell you that” and it was powerful. Love it.

Bachelor In Paradise recap

“I’m POWERFUL”

NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN

Niranga, Jamie, and a Ryan all went home. Farewell!

Junkee will recap every SECOND episode of Bachelor In Paradise, because they are idiots.


Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.