All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 2 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of Bachelor In Paradise, where we watch episodes of Bachelor In Paradise and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

---

Well well well, look who has come crawling back! It’s me. Pathetic.

It’s been a very long time since we last met, or perhaps it has been a very short time? Nothing means anything and time isn’t real! What is real is that my friend Patrick and I have graduated from recapping The Bachelor and The Bachelorette to now recapping Bachelor in Paradise.

Saying ‘graduated’ implies that we have stepped up and moved onto bigger and better things, but I mean it more like “I graduated from standing upright..to falling down and hitting my head very hard on the ground.”

I also should say up top that I have never watched even one episode of Bachelor in Paradise before, but I assumed it was going to be a lot like The Bachelor, except in paradise.

Now, the concept of ‘paradise’ is obviously very subjective. Personally, being trapped in some sort of white-walled house on a beach with a group of drunk random heterosexuals trying to be horny with each other is what I would less describe as ‘paradise’ and more describe as ‘literal burning hell’, but I suppose this isn’t about me.

Should it be? That’s not for me to say (yes).

My favourite format of this show is usually The Bachelorette, because I make fun of a lot of terrible men while one woman gets to be in charge of all the decisions. Paradise has the energy of me being the only queer person at a house party where pretty soon i’m going to have to watch different iterations of unpleasant heterosexual kissing, and then a drunk woman will yell-cry at a man in a cap and everyone will call her crazy even though he is undoubtedly awful and has pushed her to this point.

I no longer attend parties where I am the only queer person, but I will put myself through this show in order to recap it for you, our beautiful and adoring fans. Some heroes wear capes, some recap reality television. Some of my friends are doctors and activists and social workers, I type bitter words and mean jokes into a google doc. We are all equally important. 

Before we get into it, I must say that this show, like life, would be improved one billion percent if everyone on it was bisexual. Osher has said before that a gay bachelor or bachelorette wouldn’t work because everyone would get interested in each other, but that would be PERFECT for this SHOW on an ISLAND where they want EVERYONE to fuck EVERYONE.

I demand BISEXUAL ISLAND!! The world is dark and sad, give us BISEXUAL ISLAND. #bisexualisland. 

So let’s get into it — as usual, the way this works is that we will be ranking who annoys me the most all the way to the least. It’s just like real life, except this time I write it down instead of just thinking it while listening to Phoebe Bridgers on a bus. 

LEAST ANNOYING

TIMM

I loved Timm on Angie’s season of The Bachelor, and I’m thrilled that seeing him again in a relaxed island context has not ruined him for me (so far).

Yes, Timm is a “larrikin” and a “boys boy” and other words that usually would make me want to throw up. But he is also genuinely a great commentator for this show, he gives excellent talking head, and he’s funny.

And as someone who hates almost everything men say, especially when they are talking about women, I just find him generally pretty delightful.

There are also a lot of small moments I’ve noticed, like when he’s caught saying something nice to the women who are just his friends, or telling Jamie to shift his body language so that Brittney isn’t shut out, that lend to my theory that he’s a considerate person.

And yes I know the bar for men is INCREDIBLY low in life and also reality dating shows, but I am a Timm fan. 

 

BRIT

I didn’t know Brit before BIP. She’s from the dreaded ‘before times’ when I wasn’t recapping this show. Don’t think about those days, you’ll get upset. Stay with me.

I really like Brit. She went into this experience not thinking that she would be into Timm’s vibe at all, saying that ‘historically’ she hasn’t ever dated anyone like him. My feeling is that she’s probably dated some real meathead clean-cut jerks who work in finance or sports or whatever, so I love this for her.

I also loved when Timm said “She’s just got a really strong presence about her. She’s so well spoken, and i’m just like uh duhh.. I’m Timm” while making this face:

Timm knows his place as a doofus, and I also love that. They are vibing! They kissed in the bathtub. 

And then the next shot showed them still in that position except it was dark. 

Maybe they kissed for a long time? Who knows, time isn’t real. Whatever the case, these two did not annoy me at all. 

HAT GUYS

These two barely said anything, which means it was hard for them to annoy me. 

They did wear these hats, which was mildly annoying, but overall they were fine. 

MOST ANNOYING

MEN HAVING THE POWER/THE PHRASE ‘POCKET ROCKET’/GLEN BEING HOT

The way it’s working at the moment is that the men get to give out the roses to the women, which has the women scrambling to make sure they are safe. And it’s VERY ANNOYING TO ME.

Any dynamic where men feel in charge and powerful and arrogant is the very opposite of paradise! I don’t want to watch that, I want to watch men begging for roses like little piggies. I demand this power dynamic is shifted at once. 

I also demand men stop using the phrase ‘pocket rocket’ to describe women! Several of the men have said the phrase ‘pocket rocket’ and it absolutely must stop!

Why are men obsessed with tiny women! Why do they love when women are small and can’t open bottles? It’s fine to love women who are small and can’t open bottles, but it is weird as hell to be obsessed with it and find it immediately the sexiest thing on earth.

If I were a psychologist I would say it reflects on the fragile state of your ego and feelings of masculinity, but I’m not, I am a recapper. So instead I will simply say, stop making me hear the words ‘pocket rocket’. 

Conversely, men being tall does not mean they are instantly hot! We must give this idea up, as a species. Nowhere is this as evident as with contestant….Glen? I wrote down “Craig” and then “Greg” and THEN I saw his name on the screen, “Glen” and realised I had it wrong. 

 The reason I can’t remember his name is because he’s so far the most boring man on earth. Yet, he is strongly sought after by many women. He wanders around like a ghost who died only knowing a few phrases, such as “yeah” and “never say never”.

I was very confused until Mary cleared it up for me by pointing out he is tall. It’s 2020!! Who cares! We no longer need to idolise mediocre tall men simply for being tall! We invented ladders! We have those things with the claw hand on the end to reach for things! It’s fine!

CASS

Cass has a history of saying really awful things about Abbie, but it was the arrival of Jess that cemented the fact that it’s a ‘her’ thing.

As Jess walked in, someone asked Cass what her deal is, as they were in the same season. Cass replied  “She’s the tattooed girl who’s a stripper”, in a way that made it very clear she did not think a tattooed woman who is a stripper is a good thing, when in fact, they are great. 

Then when she was describing Jess to the camera she said “She’s a bit of a bitch, if I have to say it” and guess what, you do NOT have to say it.

And THEN, as she went up to Jess upon arrival, the first words out of her mouth were “You’ve lost so much weight!” Jess’s talking-head response to that included a swear word that made her mouth go blurry, and rightly so. 

What in the actual MY-MOUTH-IS-BLURRED-BUT-IT’S-CLEAR-I’M-SAYING-FUCK. It’s 2020, the customary greeting is ‘hello’ not ‘you’ve lost so much weight’. 

JAMIE

Most of this episode was about Jamie, because Jamie kept offering his rose to different women.

The only thing Jamie has ever brought to this show is making women uncomfortable. It’s not funny to me that we are seeing women literally say “he makes me uncomfortable”. It’s not funny to see Jamie saying over and over again that he “felt an immediate” spark with Helena, only to cut to Helena being asked if Jamie is her type and her to immediately say no in a way that is clear that the idea is ridiculous.

He is either not picking up, or he is ignoring women’s responses to him, and either way it’s really uncomfortable viewing. 

I thought he might have a saving grace this episode when Brittney decided that she liked him, and wanted to get to know him.

I thought maybe their equal yet different types of weirdness would mesh to bring some inner peace to them both, but even though he gave Brittney a rose, he first immediately rejected her as a prospective partner.

My heart broke for poor sweet Brittney, who was demonstrably hurt. She is obviously quite a – lot- and has obviously been rejected a lot of times before. The scene where she was describing how sad it made her was heartbreaking. 

But that is the main difference between Jamie and Brittney. They are both rejected, Brittney turns it on herself and blames it on herself for being ‘crazy’ and ‘too much’, whereas Jamie ignores all of the rejection and signs, and continues to stroll around thinking he is too good for her, and holding out for women who have given CLEAR SIGNS they are not interested.

I’ll leave the last word on that to Timm, who said about Jamie – “Brittney’s a bombshell, 25, throwing herself at ya, take what you can get, you’re 40” 

NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN

ABBIE

Abbie is beautiful and powerful and too good for this show and the ‘slutty vixen’ edits they continually put on her.

I am sad to see her go, because she is entertaining and funny. I also related so hard to her when, while visibly upset, she said “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine”. That’s exactly what I do, and everyone loves it and it’s a good healthy way to deal with things. 

Even though I am really sad to see Abbie go, I am still glad Brittney got saved, because I have the feeling Abbie will be absolutely fine.

I must say I would LOVE to see her be The Bachelorette if any producers are listening. Or more likely if any are reading.  But maybe an intern is reading this out loud to a producer, we can’t know. If so, I hope you are being paid, anonymous intern. Value yourself, you’re important! 

So that’s it, our first journey back together. How do you feel? I feel great, but even more certain that we need Bisexual Island, and we need it now.

Bisexual Patrick Lenton (who would not do well out in the sun on #bisexualisland) will be with you next episode. 

Junkee will recap every episode of Bachelor In Paradise, like idiots.

---