All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 1 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’
Welcome to Horny Island!
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of Bachelor In Paradise, where we watch episodes of Bachelor In Paradise and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
I am just thrilled and a teensy bit depressed to report that Rebecca Shaw and I are back to recap! We’re going to be like your cool inner-city aunt and uncle who turn up at the family barbecue, and nobody really expected them to, and it’s not that they’re unwelcome, it’s just surprising, and also they think they’re better than us just because they have fancy jobs, go to the theatre, and are aggressively childless?
(but it’s true, we are better than most people, and our kaftan game is UNSTOPPABLE)
We’ve never done Bachelor in Paradise before — we’ve done, I’m going to say somewhere between seven and 302, seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, so you could say we are old hands. Ancient, wrinkled hands, with weak, grasping fingers that feel like paper and smell like lead pencils, and we limply pull your head closer to us, so we can whisper awful secrets in your ear.
I’m not even particularly sure what BIP is, but after watching this first episode, I have realised it’s just like Drag Race All Stars, which is where all the most talented queens come back to compete after failing to win their season — except none of these people in BIP are stars, or have talents.
But boy oh boy, I do RECOGNISE some of these people, and it makes me feel tired and nauseous. I thought i’d forgotten all these faces, dumped gratefully out of the back of my mind as soon as I finished recapping their season.
But no, here they are, and it’s like running into your mum’s friend at the shops — you know a lot about this person, you don’t dislike them, but also you don’t want to speak to them.
In fact, it’s almost exactly like what I imagine my high school reunion would have been like if i’d gone to it — lots of people I recognise, who mostly give me extremely unpleasant flashbacks. Sure, I have a bit of curiosity about what their lives are like now, but I certainly don’t want to get trapped on an island with them.
You’ll have to forgive me if I’m a bit grim this season, there’s something about repeatedly recapping dating shows when you’re single that just makes you feel great about yourself. Also, I am personally suffering from the effects of a global pandemic the most of anyone (my favourite pub has shut down, not enough opportunities to wear nice pants, deep yearning ).
But I will say that so far I am not bored by Bachelor In Paradise. So far it has big chaos energy — The Bachelor/ette always has this feeling of a bunch of goddamn weirdos on their best behaviour, whereas Paradise kinda feels like the sleepover after the parents have gone to bed. Even Osher seems to tiptoe in, unsure in his linen slacks, a beloved babysitter who is only tolerated.
There’s so much drinking, and innuendo, and just some hard-eyed ribaldry. I think this might get… raunchy. I am clutching my pearls, frankly.
I also don’t like how the format works — I only like it when there’s one powerful woman, and all the men must be nice to her.
If you’re unaware of how Bec and I work, we go through and rank who we find annoying, and why. It’s not hard.
The one and the ONLY, and she gets her full name because she has that presence! Our queen, our saviour. Junkee loves Abbie, and so do I.
In her season, with a man I literally cannot remember the face or name of, she was ridiculously dumped on a rock in Africa. But before that had happened, she just lived her best life, unapologetically horny, irrepressibly herself, and just an all-round badass.
“Really excited to be in Paradise with a bunch of hot lads, I have no idea what’s going to happen, but I’m really horny and I want to have sex,” she tells us, and yes, it is a mood.
She’s just… so much funnier than everyone else on this show.
However, Abbie has very clearly set her sights on Ciarran, from Angie’s season — which makes sense. He was a delight, and quite hot, and was definitely my favourite to win before he had to jet back to Britain because of his sick grandmother. I think the fact that he had to leave gave him a sense of mystique.
Anyway, she was keen before he even arrived, and then looked around and clearly didn’t see anyone else to her liking, and that is a mood too. We love a single-minded queen. Apart from Timm, there’s like a couple of stalkers, a chunk of barely-risen bread named Glenn, and then a couple of Ryans (generic straight men).
At the end of the episode, it looks like we have a “dancing doona” situation, which is Aussie culture. Get it. If nothing else, I hope she has a nice time on the island.
Drag Race has taught me that we are sometimes defined by our entrances.
Ciarran walked in and was naked, a throwback to his season, where he was naked. His butt has a new tattoo on it, which I immediately picked out. Yet I cannot remember who or what The Bachelor from Abbie’s season looked like.
Britt from the Honey Badger season is back, a name and face I have not thought of in many a long year. I remember having a vague fondness towards her, like one might have to a genial English teacher.
But, whatever I may have felt earlier — I have a feeling I wanted her to win? Or not win? — I am obsessed with her mood in Paradise, because it is the absolute feeling I have about both the concept of dating, AND doing this recap again.
“Apparently,” she responds to Osher, after he welcomes her back. “God help me. I don’t know what I’m doing”
True. Vibe. Truth telling.
Timm is like “Oh my god, I didn’t expect to see you here, you’re famous”.
“I didn’t expect to see me here either,” she replies. She seems… at best, resigned. I love it. Go on girl, give us nothing!
She went on a weird thrupple date with Timm, and didn’t seem to have a terrible time? Thats good.
Jamie is back. Jamie was a horrifying, controlling, stalker. He clearly made good villain TV though, because there’s no reason for him to be here. I hate him, and I don’t endorse him. It’s not even enjoyable.
Every scene of him hanging around Abbie has vibes of that episode of Buffy, Band Candy, where they turn into teenagers, and Principal Snyder is constantly pining for Joyce.
If you don’t understand that reference, don’t worry, it’s perfect.
Brittany is like that one recurring joke that refuses to go away, and isn’t really funny anymore. This is the third Bachelor show she’s been on now.
“She reckons she’s called “Litney” says Timm. Hmm.
That said, while she’s mostly just extremely annoying, she has ABSOLUTELY raised the chaos energy of this show dramatically.
“I do property inspections. One time I found a dead body. On Valentines Day,” she tells Timm, who literally ignores her.
That might be my favourite thing anyone has ever said.
Everyone thought Jake was Jamie.
This is annoying.
I do NOT remember Cass, and apparently she doesn’t know how to open champagne. I… I knew how to open a bottle of champagne with both stealth and dignity before I could walk, but that might say more about my glamorous mother and the lessons she taught me, than it does Cass.
Regardless, watching Ciarran get excited because she’s all like “i don’t have THUMBS, help widdle me open the scawy bottle” and he’s like “Oo-er, she’s a helpless minx, a sneaky vixen, gunna pickle ‘er ginger guvnor”, was disgusting. Disgusting. True hetero nonsense.
I expect people I date to have a quiet competence when it comes to opening bottles.
But the peak of heterosexual nonsense in this episode was Glenn. Please re-read his name and know that it is dripping with disdain. Glenn.
Who IS Glenn. Nobody knows. He is generically and mildly good looking, not even handsome. He doesn’t seem to say a single word. When he does, it’s garbage like when he describes his ideal date as:
“Go for a walk, stay at home watch a movie yeah, mix it up. Anything adventurous, yeah.” ARGH SO BORING.
Yet, despite this… he has two beautiful women competing for his attention. Why? How? This is NONSENSE. This show is dangerous. It normalises boring people. Everyone has been sliding into his DMs. I imagine sliding into his DMs would have the same kind of vibe as gently dying in your sleep as a very old person.
He’s basically the human embodiment of one of those puffy vests that bland white people wear in the suburbs.
NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN
Nobody left this episode, except my dignity.
Junkee will recap every episode of Bachelor In Paradise. Tomorrow night will be Rebecca Shaw.
Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton. He’s actually very fun and nice, but he pretends to be cranky for humorous effect in this recap!