We Made You A Full And Comprehensive List Of Novelty Items Featuring Tony Abbott’s Face

After challenging Tony Abbott for the leadership of the federal Parliamentary Liberal Party yesterday, former Communications Minister and the nation’s eternal Cool Dad has today been sworn in as the 29th Prime Minister of Australia. Tone is gone. It is done.

Here’s one we prepared the last time this nearly happened. It’s time to grab those collector’s items.

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Earlier this afternoon WA Liberal MP Luke Simpkins emailed his colleagues announcing he will move a spill motion against Prime Minister Tony Abbott when the Liberal party room meets on Tuesday. As expected, everybody’s lost their bloody marbles.

I bet the Lib staffer who came up with the line “adult government” is just sitting in office banging head on the desk #libspill

— Nick Champion MP (@NickChampionMP) February 6, 2015

Considering he might not be Prime Minister this time next week, here are all the novelty items you can buy right now to commemorate Tone’s time in office. If the same logic applies to ousted politicians as it does with dead artists and musicians, they’ll all be worth a mint in a few years time.

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Toilet Paper, from ‘Wacky Wipes’

Though a dude from Melbourne yesterday launched his Kickstarter campaign to create Tony Abbott ‘Use Liberally’ toilet paper, the idea’s actually been around for a while now. Another Melbournian has been selling a similar product via ebay and his site Wacky Wipes for the past year or so.

“Share a square with an ABC watching Liberal-bashing mate!” the site reads. “Or even better, at the Business faculty toilet block at Melbourne Uni!”

How much? They’re $8 for a single roll/$15 for a triple pack via the website, but cheaper on ebay where each extra roll will only set you back $1.

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Condoms

These limited edition boner-kills were released just before Christmas last year, touted as “condoms for your Primed Minister”. As there were just 999 boxes available and the website is now offline, I’m guessing they’re all sold out. But, if you really want to “keep your pepperoni wrapped in a Tony”, I suggest keeping an eye on ebay or Gumtree.

How much? They were $25 per pack but as they’re now collector’s items they’re guaranteed to be much, much more.

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Wooden Blocks, from Etsy

Ah, Etsy. You never disappoint. A crafty lady from Brisbane is currently selling these “Poli-blocks” from her online store redfoxink. These hand-crafted blocks depict the last six Australian LNP Prime Ministers in various states of undress and are completely interchangeable for your perverse and easy-amused pleasure.

How much? $50 for a set including Abbott, Howard, Fraser, Gorton, Holt, and Menzies.

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Badges, from Etsy

Sure, the only time you see badges these days are when you accidentally pick up your 14-year-old sister’s tote bag or stumble into a Socialist Alternative rally, but give it a while and these things will be retro as fuck.

How much? $2 a pop.

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Dartboard, from various

Last year an entrepreneuring young guy from Sydney took to Pozible in an effort to make this glorious “TonyTarget” a reality. Unfortunately, he never got the sufficient funds and every party at your house has suffered for it.

Now, someone else has picked up the torch and the legend lives on. Dartboards with a different Tony design are currently available for purchase here on Zazzle. Sure, throwing darts at a board with a crossed out picture seems like a mindfuck of a double (triple?) negative, but I’m sure everyone will get the gist.

How much? $90.95

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Mug, from Zazzle

 

It’s only a matter of time until you finally admit that you are in fact your parents and celebrate by buying a novelty mug. And, if you’re going to do it, you really should do it right. Choose this poorly-designed print of an obscure political joke that will age terribly.

How much? $22.95

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Shirt, from Zazzle

You get it? GET IT? Yeah, you get it.

How much? $28.95

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Another Shirt, from Zazzle

When buying novelty tees it’s imperative that you pick the one with that will elicit the most groans.

How much? $51.90

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Screw It, Here’s Another Shirt, from eBay

THIS REFERENCE IS FROM THIS WEEK. You people! You’re so impressive.

How much? $15.99

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Mousepad, from Zazzle

This customisable mouse pad features a ergonomic gel-pad wrist support, non-skid plastic base, incredibly half-hearted Photoshop and a lurid yellow comic sans overlay. God bless the internet.

How much? $22.95.

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Underwear, from Etsy

These sublime creations come from a Melbourne-based Etsy shop called GlamYourClam. GLAM. YOUR. CLAM.

They also make underwear to order featuring Vladimir Putin, Tyra Banks, Vagemite, and that picture of Jesus that old lady butchered in Spain.

How much? $16

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Bumper stickers, from Etsy

Now, there are a whole load of Abbott-related bumper stickers out there with varying levels of both humour and offensiveness. It’s a thing of personal taste, really. But, even though this one doesn’t actually feature Tony’s face, it’s definitely my favourite.

Bonus: it will stay relevant for years to come.

How much? $2

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Dog Chew And/Or Vending Machine Prizes, from Paws Point and Riverlink, QLD

I have to admit, I was hesitant to Google ‘Tony Abbott doll’ due to the paralysing fear I would find some kind of niche variety of sex toy. Thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised.

This incredible pet store in Sydney sell Tony Abbott chew toys for your dog, and Riverlink Shopping Mall in Queensland — unarguably the best shopping centre in the country — have a vending machine stocked with plush toys based on Australian politicians.

Yes there are more, and yes they are all excellent.

How much? $30 / as many $1 coins as it takes to win, goddamn it.

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Pin Cushion, from Etsy

‘Cos sometimes chucking him to your dog just isn’t satisfying enough.

How much? $20.

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This Actually Very Decent Portrait, from eBay

This collage, made specifically for an art exhibition in Warringah, NSW is currently being auctioned off on eBay. As it’s composed of a discarded real estate sign and old food wrappers, it apparently took out the competition’s Waste to Art category as well as the People’s Choice award.

How ironic.

How much? Buy it now for $1,500

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