‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 6, Episode 4 Power Ranking: Peel Your Apples, Son

Spoilers for the latest episode of Game Of Thrones. Seriously. SO MANY SPOILERS.

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This week’s Game of Thrones was all about siblings reuniting, but it was also about building armies that have the ability to crush your enemies with such ferocity that one day children will sing R-rated songs about your ruthless bloodlust. You know, just like that show, Brothers and Sisters.

LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!

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Winners Of The Week

MVP: Daenerys (9 points)

I mean, that was pretty impressive.

I was an early supporter of Dany just staying in Widow Town (women have a political voice there! They have [maybe] consensual sex in the streets!) but when a girl is born a queen, she has to rule. Literally everything Dany did in this episode was straight out of a post-2013 Beyoncé song (I’m pretty sure ‘I’ll Never Run From The Dothraki’ was a B-side feat. Frank Ocean). Seeing Dany interact with other women is a beautiful thing, particularly when they’re discussing how masculinity is the source of all evil and making a pretty compelling argument for #KillAllMen. Missandei is going to be so jealous.

Dany’s power move was, of course, setting a temple on fire and murdering several khals who had just moments before threatened to gang rape her. And yes, now that you mention it, she IS still flame retardant! Dany emerges from the flaming temple and is all, “hey” and the Dothraki are like, “wtf those were our khals in there, nah actually it’s okay” and once again everyone bows for the white woman!

Looks like you got yourself another army, girl! ? ? ?

*Also, a quick note to dudes of the Game of Thrones universe: do not laugh at or demean Dany. You know what she does to men who laugh at her? Literally burns the flesh off their bones. That goes for you too, “Ah, I ride the dragon all night long, playa” Daario, you twat.

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Sansa Stark (8 points)

Do you know how long it’s been since we’ve seen Starks together on-screen? THREE YEARS. Three whole years of Starks circling each other like a goddamn barn dance! Then, last night, two of those genetically blessed ragamuffins reunited. And it felt so good.

Now that Sansa has remembered how to smile again, a new emotion takes charge: bitch wants to get some revenge. “So, wanna go to Cabo and get some sun?” asks Jon, shivering. But Sansa is all, “Oh no, sorry, I think you misunderstood me: I want to fuck up the Boltons’ shit and get my old room back”. YEAH, GIRL.

Jon may be tired of fighting, but Sansa has been fighting too. She wants Jon’s help taking back Winterfell, but isn’t fussed if she’s gotta do it alone. She doesn’t want to shy away from the horrible things that have happened either. Jon may not have been able to finish Ramsay’s “Dear, Bastard of Winterfell” letter, but she wants everyone to know just what Ramsay is capable of. Sansa grabs Jon’s hand and is like, “I love you, you’re great, but if Ramsay wants to feed Rickon to actual dogs, we need to march on Winterfell now”. Jon nods mutely, because what can you say when you realise that your little sister has become the baddest in all the Seven Kingdoms?

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Jon Snow (7 points)

Jon is still on that “ALL MY FRIENDS KILLED ME” jag, so having Sansa comfort him and actually apologise for treating him badly (and in turn, listen to his apology about always sulking in the corner while listening to Jeff Buckley’s ‘Hallelujah’ on repeat) has put his head right. Now that Jon has a family and a mission again, he and his cute butt have a newfound sense of purpose. If you didn’t start spontaneously crying when Jon corrected Sansa in figuring out where “we will go”, then I don’t know, maybe you’re the Zodiac Killer.

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Cersei and Jaime (6 points)

Weeeelll, look who just got interesting again! Cersei has taken time out of her busy schedule of lurking in corridors to take action on old “peasant hands” High Sparrow. Despite being specifically told to get bent by the Small Council, Jaime and Cersei know that the best way to make friends is to have common enemies. Is that what “lean in” means, man I should really read a book one of these days.

Lady Olenna is rightfully like, “Bitch, ain’t nobody talking to you” given Cersei was the one who brought this religious plague upon both their houses. But once it’s revealed that Margaery will too have to do The Shame Walk, she is like, “OH, HELL NO.” Uncle Kevan may be reluctant to start a war, but he does want his freak son back. So the Tyrell army will march on King’s Landing, Margaery won’t have to get a haircut and hopefully, lots of their enemies will die.

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Brienne (5 points)

Fresh from the victory of keeping her master alive for more than two days (a personal best!) Brienne arrives at Castle Black dripping in swag, even feeling bold enough to eavesdrop on Davos and Melisandre’s conversation and add some helpful comments like: “I KILLED YOUR KING AND FRIEND, KILLED HIM DEAD, AMA”. But there was someone else waiting for Brienne at Castle Black that day. And that kids, is how I met your mother.

Tormund makes love to a squelchy leg of wild cow or something, at the dinner table, thus indicating his thirst for fine Brienne. Even Edd is like, “Dude”.

Mazel tov!

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Grand Maester Pycelle (10 points)

Grand Maester Pass Agg, more like.

Me when my wife tells me it’s time to get off Twitter for the night pic.twitter.com/otXJOGoAMf

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) May 16, 2016

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Losers Of The Week

Theon Greyjoy (4 points)

Theon is all, “My island home is waiting for meeeee!” but Yara is less than jazzed to see him on account of that time he fucked up his own rescue mission and the fact the misogynists of the Iron Islands are refusing to let her claim her rightful crown. It also doesn’t help that they really don’t get the nuance of post-traumatic stress in Westeros. “WHY ARE YOU CRYING??” Yara keeps yelling in face, until Theon contends that yes, she SHOULD rule the Iron Islands, and he should help her. Yay?

Hey, remember when Christine Anu performed at the Sydney 2000 Olympics? Man, that was a great day.

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Grey Worm and Missandei (3 points)

I mean, it’s nice to see these two actually get to have an opinion, but at the end of the day they still have to stand behind The Man who doesn’t really understand the subtle complexities of their land. No, you can’t really claim to know the plight of slaves after having been a slave for one afternoon. Hard pass on this Afghanistan metaphor, get to Westeros already.

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Margaery (2 points)

Margaery is still in jail and is now being forced to listen to boring stories about shoes and parties and how the only way to lead a good life is to leave privilege, etc. Girl better keep her eyerolls in check because Loras is on the edge of cracking.

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Death Count: 1

Osha: RIP you fiery wildling, unfortunately the seduce/stab technique didn’t work this time. Ramsay prefers stabbing over sex anyway.

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WTF, Who Knows?

Littlefinger

It wasn’t the most exciting moment of the episode, but it was definitely the most puzzling. Littlefinger arrives back in the Vale with a flourish, announcing “THE LORD HAS RETURNED!” like he’s fucking mid-2000s Scott Disick or something. After giving Robin Arryn (who similarly seems to have adopted a very mid-2000s dirty, indie-rock hairstyle) a falcon, Littlefinger lightly threatens everyone and begins scheming.

Littlefinger: “So Robin, even though you’ve obviously spent the summer discovering the collected works of The Strokes, did you hear that thing about Sansa escaping from those terrible Boltons? Hm, sounds bad, right? Her heart is in a bit of a cage, you might say!”

Robin: “Oh, yeah. Hey, do you think I could get this falcon to squawk in time to ‘Reptilia’? Hey Uncle, have you heard ‘Reptilia’? You probably haven’t, let me–“

Littlefinger: “You’re right! We SHOULD send all the knights of the Vale to storm Winterfell! Good job.”

Robin: “LAST NITTTEEE, SHE SAIIDDDD…”

Littlefinger: “Shut up, Robin.”

What’s Littlefinger’s long game here? Is he doing all this so he can become the lord of Winterfell, wear Ned Stark’s skin and pretend that Sansa is Catelyn? Man, Westeros Sanity has sold a lot of copies of Lemonade this week.

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Game of Thrones is on Showtime at 11am and 7.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.