‘Game of Thrones’ Season 6, Episode 3 Power Ranking: I Am A God (Nah, Not Really)

Spoilers for the latest episode of Game Of Thrones. Seriously. SO MANY SPOILERS.

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Like trying to play a light-hearted drinking game with traumatised former-slaves, this week’s Game of Thrones had heartbreaking moments intertwined with splashes of hope and a hearty helping of: “why are we staring at a tower”. Haha, prestige television.

LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING! 

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Winners Of The Week

MVP: Jon Snow (8 points)

The sad prince with the good hair/butt, has awakened and while it’s exciting and all, it’s frankly rude that this show features vagina and boob for days, and yet refuses to give us a single glimpse of Jon’s privates.

Jon is understandably upset that a bunch of his friends, including the kid who used to bring him his breakfast, stabbed him to death. Davos is like, “WOAH this is fucking mental, pretty cool to be reincarnated again, hey!” but Jon is all, “smdh, I guess” on account of having very hurt feelings. Basically, it’s like reading a very mean MSN Messenger conversation about yourself (this hasn’t happened to me, nope) but worse, because they stuck metal shards in his heart.

Although his friends are mighty glad to have him back (“You have a small penis!” — Tormund “You’re not a very funny person!” — Edd) now Jon has a few things weighing on his mind. This list includes, but is not limited to:

1. The fate of humanity.
2. The fact that he died and saw that there was no afterlife.
3. That when he tries to do the right thing, people stab him to death.
4. Melisandre cut his hair without consulting him first.
5. That fucking Olly kid still giving him the stink eye.

Jon reluctantly hangs all the traitors, takes off his Kardashian at Madison Square Gardens-inspired coat and hands it to Edd. “There’s no blame for how our love did slowly fade/And now that it’s gone it’s like it wasn’t there at all,” Jon says. “Wait, are you just saying lyrics from a Death Cab for Cutie song?” Edd says. “No. Like I was saying: and here I rest where disappointment and regret collide.”

Jon’s watch has ended (right before Sansa arrives looking for a hug? Goddamn!). Maybe he is the prince that Melisandre saw in the flames, but for now he is strictly #NoNewFriends

Davos (7 points)

Davos is just the star of this show now. I won’t be convinced otherwise. I want to buy his motivational sayings on posters of little kittens hanging off washing lines.

Even though Jon will probably be busy getting Taking Back Sunday lyrics tattooed on his forearm for the next little while, I think Davos will be able to give him wise counsel and steer him away from Melisandre’s excitable pronouncements/her penchant for child-burning as a strategic decision in battle. This guy needs a King to follow, and Jon does have very nice hair.

Arya Stark (6 points)

Arya’s Karate Kid-style montage was the most exciting thing to happen to her in many, many hours of television. It wasn’t so much the bleeding from the face or challenging the mean girl with the bob (the official hairstyle of mean girls), but even just hearing Arya engage with Westeros by reciting her kill list and naming all of her siblings, made her story seem more relevant and exciting again.

Now that Arya can see clearly now the rains have gone the milky curse on her eyeballs has been lifted, let’s hope she gets to go back to Westeros eventually to do some stabbing — unless being ‘no-one’ means that she can’t anymore? Urgh, this show, why do we even watch it?

Sam and Gilly (5 points)

Castle Black’s Romeo and Juliet are sailing to Oldtown so that Sam can learn how to save the world or whatever, and Gilly can hang out with Sam’s family in Horn Hill. That sounds nice! Gilly now refers to Sam as her baby’s daddy, which is much better than his actual origin story tbh. Side note: do the writers have to make Gilly seem so… simple? I mean, she has survived great trauma and see some heavy shit, but is she going to be the character who everyone condescends to forever? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T LET WOMEN IN THE CITADEL.

The High Sparrow (4 points)

“Your mum is a real asshole, you know that Tommen?”

“Hello I am Tommen, I believe everything that anyone says to me because I am 4-years-old.”

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Losers Of The Week

Rickon Stark and Osha (2 points)

Hands up who screamed when Ramsay’s “gift” from Smalljon Umber (cool name) turned out to be Rickon and Osha and not Theon? Like, sorry Theon, but the thought of little Rickon being potentially tortured or killed is… well, it’s enough that I almost dropped my Magnum Ego when I saw him*.

This seems very terrible, and Ramsay saying “Welcome home, Lord Stark” while his new best friend Karstark grinned behind him, made my skin crawl. The only thing Stark Lovers can hold onto for hope, is that Smalljon’s dad Greatjon was a great lover of Robb Stark and perhaps has passed on some of his loyalty (along with the name ‘Jon’ albeit with a very shady addition).

Could this “I HATE THE STARKS, I HATE LOYALTY” thing just be a front? Could it just be part of a long con to win back Winterfell? Is there any chance that that dog head isn’t Shaggydog’s and this is all just a way to win Ramsay’s trust? Osha has helped Rickon escape Winterfell before! I know I’m clutching at straws here, shut up, I’m going to my room.

*Caught it though guys, don’t worry :)

Cersei and Jaime Lannister (3 points)

Once the most popular kids at school, now nobody wants to sit with Cersei and Jaime — not even their uncle Kevan!

Cersei wants spies in all corners of the globe, so they may report back if anyone anywhere makes jokes about her. Sure the Lannisters have technical control of King’s Landing and a Frankenstein monster that makes old guys spontaneously fart, but their hold is looking increasingly weak. Thank Christ Lady Olenna is back with some incest burns to liven things up.

The Little Birds (1 point, to be shared among the group)

So they were poor kids the whole time! Kids who will no doubt be murdered in horrific ways! Better enjoy those candied plums while you can, you dirty little ragamuffins.

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Death Count: 4 

Olly: RIP Olly, you were bitter to the very end and I did not care to see the multiple shots of your bloated, blue face.

Alliser Throne: RIP Alliser, you were Jon Snow-hating to the very end, your face didn’t look too different.

Those two other guys: RIP

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WTF Who Knows?

Bran Stark

This has got to be the only show in the world where a shot of a tower sends people into wild conniptions.

Bran’s flashback visions are getting increasingly juicy, particularly now that he is seeing that Ned Stark: The Teen Years may not have played out exactly how he thought.

If you’re not 100 percent on what went down, this flashback involved Ned, Meera’s dad and a bunch of others, at the climax of Robert’s Rebellion, confronting a dude called Ser Arthur Dayne who worked for the recently killed Prince Rhaegar. He was guarding a tower that it’s probably safe to say, has Lyanna Stark in it (would a dude whose master had just been killed bother keeping his hostage? Unless he’d been given specific instructions to protect her). What followed was a bunch of men circling each other and stabbing freely.

Bran is a bit like “wot” because the battle doesn’t play out like he thought; old mate Ned Stark who is known for being honourable to a fault, actually fabricated the story of beating Ser Arthur who was really done with a dagger to the back. “But my father beat him?” said Bran. “Did he?” said the Three-Eyed Raven. So what else did Ned lie about?

After Ser Arthur is dead, Yung Ned hears a woman screaming and approaching the tower (is it L giving birth to J?) and Bran is all, “FATHERRRRR!” and maybe Yung Ned hears, a bit? Bran is furious that he is not allowed to see more, but the Three-Eyed Raven sort of laughs and is like, don’t worry you’ll leave this tree eventually. “But when?” says Bran. “When you learn… EVERYTHING,” the three-Eyed Raven says.

Oh, shouldn’t take too long then.

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Game of Thrones is on Showtime at 11am and 7.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.