‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 6, Episode 1 Power Ranking: WHO IS WINNING?
WE'RE BACK! (So many spoilers.)
Spoilers for the latest episode of Game Of Thrones. Seriously. SO MANY SPOILERS.
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Woah, grab your Braavosi wooden staff, check on your greyscale, pour one out for the Lord of Light and feed the rotting corpse of your mistress to the dogs of Winterfell — Game of Thrones is BACK!
We’re doing something a little different this year. This afternoon you’ll get your regular Game of Thrones recap but every Tuesday morning you’ll also get something much, much more arbitrary and non-essential: a power ranking of fictional characters!
By allocating points out of 10 each week, we will compare rankings to figure out who is rightfully winning the game of thrones (why would you want to rule that cesspool where there is actual shit in the streets, I get it, that’s not the point, sorry I can’t hear you I’m going through a tunnel).
Fark, what a cool place!
LET’S DO THIS!
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Winners Of The Week
MVP: Sansa and Reek (9 points)
THANK GOD! When we first see Sansa and Reek, they are still running through the wilderness like they’re in a goddamn Kate Bush video while trying to get away from Ramsay Bolton’s hounds (THE HOUNDS OF LOVE??).
Not only do Sansa — my new GoT fave because all my other faves have straight up died (still miss you, Robb) — and Reek get away, but Reek reveals himself to be kind of a non-asshole by doing some nice things. They’re the kind of things that in the real world make you a baseline good human but in Game of Thrones they make you eligible for sainthood. He hugs her and then tries to lead the Ramsey’s guards away (like, he does a terrible job, but that seems on brand). He even does some stabbing of guards! With a sword!
I just want Sansa to find some castle in the North, have a sit, listen to some fucking Lemonade and achieve self-actualisation, is that too much to ask.
“Thank you for showing me basic kindness.”
Brienne (8 points)
Guys, Brienne of Tarth just did something useful! She actually executed a plan at the time that plan was meant to be executed! What an emotional reunion.
Brienne: “LADY SANSA, I HUMBLY AND WITH AN OPEN HEART, OFFER MY DEDICATED SERVICES, I WILL BE WITH YOU UNTIL MY LAST RAGGED BREATH, OR UNTIL I AM FEASTED ON BY RABID —“
Sansa: “That’s tite.”
Daenerys (6 points)
Dany may be trapped in what appears to be Coachella, but despite having to endure a lot of Boi Talk about fucking grandmothers, at least she’s been recognised as Khal Drogo’s widow and will be mercifully free of assault for the next little while. Phew close call, what a cool universe!
Going to Vaes Dothrak, a city of widowed queens, may seem like a prison sentence but it’s kind of the best thing that could happen to a woman on this show — being sent to a lady-only community that worships nature to live out your days in quiet peace? MAN, SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE, SEND ME BACK TO THE MURDER STADIUM PLZ.
The real winners of her situation are Khal Moro and his mates though, who seemed to be auditioning for some kind of Dothraki version of Seinfeld.
“There’s nothing better than seeing a beautiful woman naked!”
“What about killing another Khal?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“What about breaking a wild stallion and burning cities to the ground.”
“Yeah, fair cop.”
“What about– “
“OKAY, OKAY.”
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Losers Of The Week
Davos (4 points)
It feels like Davos is cooking up a pretty cool plan, but look, his situation (hanging out in a room with three angry guys, a corpse and a bunch of people waiting outside to kill him) looks pretty desperate at the moment. But hey, that won’t stop him bringing some old school Onion Knight “BRING ME MUTTON!” sass.
Where does his salvation lie? With the Red Woman? With growly Ghost the dire-wolf? With friends who Jon Snow has saved in the past (that means Wildlings, right)? Stay tuned #MuttonWatch
Tyrion and Varys (2 points)
Although their “WE ARE BUT COMMON MERCHANTS!” trick seems to work on the streets, a hard rain is about to fall on Mereen, and Tyrion and Varys will soon be checking their privelege. In Mereen, Dany — once Season One Marissa Cooper in the popularity stakes — is now Season Three Marissa Cooper, i.e. hated by all.
Banksy?
Cersei and Jaime Lannister (1 point)
King’s Landing’s very own Jack and Diane but with incest, are planning on taking revenge on the whole of Westeros. ‘Cos you know, life goes on. Long after the thrill of livin’ is gone (I wrote that, please credit me going forward).
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Death count: 3
Jon Snow — We’ve waited a year to see him come back to life, another week won’t kill us (it won’t kill him either, he is alive, there is no way he is not alive).
Doran Martell — RIP, you died as you lived, with your heart bleeding out on to the pavement with sexually liberated women smirking at you. Side note: does anyone care about the Sand Snakes? I literally could not give less of a fuck about the Sand Snakes, AMA.
Trystane Martell — RIP, you died as you lived, without much of a speaking part.
Had to look up his name, sorry Trystane .
WTF, Who Knows?
Melisandre
WOAH. WOAH. WOAH. WOAH.
Okay.
WOAH. WOAH.
So the final scene this week was trying to tell us one of the following things:
1. Yes, Taylor Swift was right and chokers really are the new flower crowns.
2. Melisandre is about hundreds of fucking of years old, and her power is so great that she is able to disguise this, thus her powers would probably be able to transfer Jon’s spirit into something else.
3. She has officially given up on the Lord of Light because Stannis and Jon (dudes who she predicted would prevail) are now worm food.
Either way this make her deserving of her own category.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
Man, that was a good quality choker.
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Game of Thrones is on Showtime at 11am and 7.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap on this week’s episode.