All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 5 Of ‘The Bachelorette’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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Hello my dear, dear, dear, dear, dear best friends in the entire world.

Thank you once again for clicking on the link that brought you here, to read these words that I am typing after drinking several thousand coffees. I hope you have had the level of caffeine you require to get you through your day.

If you don’t require any caffeine, congratulations, you are better than me in every single goddamn way, and I hope you are HAPPY.

Yet again we are here to watch one lovely woman woo and attempt to be wooed by a bunch of men, who are very much more yiew than woo, thus far.

Last episode saw a visit from Angie’s best pal Yvie, and I wish she was going to be in every episode, and also that she was my best friend, and that Angie also was, and also do you think I should apply for Gogglebox? Serious answers only. Who am I talking to right now? Impossible to say.

Anyway, I can’t wait to find out tonight which of this Yiew of men annoy me or do not annoy me, or make absolutely no impact and are let go at the end of the episode never to be seen again, until they hit on my straight friends at a bar somewhere or appear in a shopping centre trying to get me to sign up to a gym.

There are still far too many men on this show for me to know all of their names, let’s revisit my chart from last week if you need a reminder why:

I have remembered three or four key names, and I still have to look up how to spell them every episode.

It’s like when I used to foster a lot of kittens, you don’t want to get attached to them, so you don’t give them a name that they’ll keep forever. Except in this case, there’s almost no chance that I will get attached to these men, and I simply just don’t want to bother remembering their names. But still. Kittens.

Let’s get into this week’s episode and find out who will shit me to tears, or who will shit me to cheers!

LEAST ANNOYING

CIARRAN

IN THIS HOUSE WE STAN CIARRAN.

I am obsessed, and I am right to be. I actually am truly surprised that he is still here, but that’s because Angie is really unlike any bachelorette we’ve had. She is obviously more varied in her taste than wanting some meathead, and I love that she is so into Ciarran and his quirks.

A bunch of the boys had to do a stand up routine (more on this later), and Ciarran smashed it by telling a funny story — he’s very natural on stage and had a quick contained story and jokes and a solid punchline.

I love him. Obviously I didn’t find him *that* funny, because he is a man, but he won the single date because he was the funniest, according to Angie. And comedy is subjective as well know, except the verified fact that spinning helicopter grandmother is the funniest thing to happen all year.

The two of them had a cute date, including Angie opening up and saying that she needs a certain kind of guy who would fit into her life, because she has a gay brother and a lot of queer and trans friends. Ciarran basically levitated at that, saying that he’s the same in his life, that it’s probably why he’s so flamboyant, and that he’s obviously not a masculine guy.

“If you want someone to change your tyre, i’d be like…but i just had my nails done.”

Now look obviously being gay doesn’t mean you can’t change a tyre or be masculine, but I think what he was getting at is that he’s a different vibe to a lot of the other bros in the house, and in this show historically.

And look, as a queer person who has spent a lot of time with straight men, you can definitely tell when they are comfortable with you, or just pretending to be comfortable, or even just trying their best to be comfortable but not quite getting there. The vibe is real, and it affects how comfortable we feel, and someone like Ciarran you can tell would just be chill and fun! Anyway, I love him sorry!!!!!

He got a kiss from Angie, and he gets a kiss from me too.

SCOT

Poor poor precious Scot, and his beautiful eyebrows. Scot was very cute in this episode because he was SO incredibly scared about doing stand up, and men with low confidence is pleasing to me. More men should be less confident about trying standup, he set a good example!

He even said the most beautiful sentence I’ve heard a man on this show say: “I don’t claim to be funny.” Wow, I love that. The poor guy just had full-body terror at the thought of getting up and doing jokes.

And obviously could think of no jokes, so got naked instead.

As someone with a huge public speaking fear, I felt for the poor lad. Good try mate.

MOST ANNOYING

STAND UP COMEDY NIGHT GROUP DATE

This was so annoying, for various reasons. First, the Comedy Store is relatively close to my house, and the following scene from the streets of my neighbourhood is terrifying.

Get off my streets!

 

Look, this date was probably fun for some people to watch, but I happen to hate watching people be embarrassed, even straight men, because I do it so much in my own life.

But even more than this, WHY would I want to see a group of straight white guys who have never done comedy before get up on stage and tell mediocre jokes? I can see that every week at open mic nights! (A little joke there).

But seriously, the show shouldn’t be encouraging this sort of behaviour! It’s dangerous! Now even more of them will want to get up and tell jokes, and that is NOT what we need. Please use your powers for good, The Bachelorette.

However, I did enjoy Harley Breen, especially his evil face as he imagined the guys bombing.

I will put up with the show making me sit through this because I want Angie to have what she wants. I do love that Angie is making such a point of wanting a guy who is funny, but so far I am not seeing that many of the guys be funny.

Maybe because she is funny she will end up with one of them who laugh at her jokes, but aren’t actually that funny? I don’t know. All I know is that I’M funny, and also single. It’s a topsy turvy world.

RYAN

Sorry, Ryan is boring so far. But he’s tall, so I think Angie is fooled.

He also sort of does have an unfair advantage, having talked to her for a YEAR on social media? If you are talking to someone you want to date for a year on social media and you don’t meet, you are being catfished. A year is too long, sorry.

Also on the date Ryan said that he had a “cybercrush” on Angie, and that made me want to die! Anyway, Ryan got an individual date where they went and spent the day as fireys, which was pretty funny considering there are at least two fireys in the house. They had a great time, he was boring, they bonded over the fact they both have sweaty hands as if its a unique thing, he was boring,

they made out, he was boring, he got a rose, boring, and then later he did a not-boring thing of pissing off all the other blokes at the cocktail party.

Basically, Ryan got back from his date with Angie, and then at the cocktail party stole her away for some alone time. This is very much frowned upon, because there are some of the men who haven’t had any time with her, and Ryan not only had just had a single date, but already HAD A ROSE.

Ciarran was in the same boat, where he could have approached Angie, but knew he was safe, so let some of the other men talk to her. All of this propriety and rules and time is usually quite dumb, but in this case I think Ciarran’s righteous anger was warranted.

AND he was mad on behalf of the other men, because of being CONSIDERATE and JUSTICE!

We love him. Get on board.

JAMIE

Jamie is not exactly “annoying” me, he is just how would you say, “extremely weird all the time”.

When the clue for the group date was “I want a man who can really stand and deliver” he suggested that they could be “delivering anniversary presents to people together”

which rightly got these faces in response:

He then said he goes to bed thinking about the single date, and wakes up thinking about the single date, it’s all he thinks about all the time.

Very chill and cool. At the cocktail party Jamie gave Angie a gift, which was these ugly socks.

 

And explained the gift, weirdly, saying that Yvie had said Angie didn’t like her feet, so he got her socks, except don’t worry because “I think your feet are beautiful.” Thank you Quentin.

He said some other things and also “because after every storm there is always a rainbow” which I don’t think is true but whatever! I just feel concerned for him whenever he is on screen, and also Angie, and also concerned for myself.

NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN

A guy with a manbun left, poor Scot left

and also Tom.

They were very bad at the comedy night, not funny at all, and in return Angie sent them home. I simply must respect and love that, and also her.

If you don’t think I am funny and would like to send me home, too bad, you don’t have that power! If you think I am funny and would like to date me, slide into my DMs! Is this a pathetic attempt to get dates? Yes of course!

But if necessary I can justify it with a monologue about how it’s actually subversive to do this using a heterosexual dating reality show as a mechanism to create more queerness in society!

And remember to join Patrick after the next ep as we delve deeper into this wild world, and see which Yiewer comes out on top. Love you bye!

The Bachelorette Australia is on Channel 10 Wednesdays and Thursdays. We will recap every episode like FOOLS.

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Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch