All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 4 Of ‘The Bachelorette’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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OK, I’m sorry, WHAT is happening to me?

I’ve experienced a lot of cursed moods, a lot of big witchy energy while doing these bad recaps. The dark miasma that has hung over me has been stanky and dense, like how I imagine the bunk beds in the Bachelorette mansion smell.

But never have I been struck with a feeling as cursed as the one I am having right now.

I’m… enjoying… myself???? I like this season of The Bachelorette?

Is this how the heterosexuals get me? Am I going to suddenly find myself sadly mowing the lawn outside my suburban bungalow, or becoming a university lecturer so I can cheat on my unhappy wife with my students, or whatever else straight people do? Are my cargo pants on the way?

Like, I was weirded out when last episode my fellow recapper and brilliant ray of moonlight Rebecca Shaw started to wax rhapsodical about Ciaran — the man that won the cursed top spot on my LOOKS MOST LIKE A MAGICIAN list. That’s not what we’re paying her for — she gets the big bucks to be MEAN to men.

Angie just seems to be mowing through the worst of the men, booting them out. I think maybe the mayor of Noosa had such a high concentration of evil energy in his ratty little soul that his removal cleansed the aura of the mansion, cleared everyone’s skin, rehydrated the show.

Now, apart from one or two notables… I like everyone. I LOVE Angie, and I want the best for her, and she seems to be having fun with a bunch of weird, oddly endearing ratbags, scamps, and handsome men. What the fuck?

I think the most cursed heterosexual thing that’s happening in these episodes is that the show is still editing it all together to make it feel like they’re having a massive bro-competition, a big old jealous boof fest, whereas most of these men are gentle idiots, hooting pirate boys, yodelling friend guys.

Maybe I’ll be proven wrong — but at the moment, they seem to be engineering conflict in a peaceful chill-zone, throwing rocks in a placid pond.

Anyway — let’s rank these babies.

Least Annoying

Ciaran

I don’t ask much from heterosexual men, except to stay away from me and stop yelling slurs out of car windows — but if that’s too hard,  honestly the least they can do is have a very nice body and get naked for me.

And that’s what Ciaran does in this episode, and it’s appreciated. I got the same weird thrill as I did from staying up to watch Big Brother Uncut — this is so naughty! I can see a little butt! Is this ALLOWED????

This group date was a bachelorette party with Angie’s best friend and fellow Gogglebox star Yvie, and I gotta say I love how keen everyone was to shift the roles just a tiny bit, and embrace a hen’s party. All the guys were keen! They were fun! There was no chicken suit crying.

And Ciaran absolutely took this to the next level, volunteering to take his kit off and pose naked for everyone to then draw him. It was brave! He was hot! What a good sport. To use straight man parlance “what a legend”. To quote Yvie “good on Ciaran for getting that wang out”.

One of the best parts of it was how flustered Angie got — Angie has definitely had a lot of control in this process (which I love) and this is one of the first time’s I’ve seen her really off centre, and it made her very funny.

The other thing I loved was that a bunch of straight guys sat around drawing their mate naked, and I saw NO overt homophobia — maybe it was edited out. There was some joshing, some ribaldry, some jabs, but no homophobia. Heck yes! I love that for them, and me.

Yvie

OK, I didn’t watch Gogglebox, so I had no concept of how delightful Yvie is. I loved her and Angie together, and would 100% watch an entire show of them together… which I guess is Gogglebox.

She won my heart when she asked Angie “Do you think you could go out with a guy with a made up name like Carlin?”

Timm

Timm got a single date, and it was DELIGHTFUL.

I’ve been sceptical about him. Sure, he’s laconic and funny — but what’s the catch? What’s he trying to sell? Why does he remind me of someone who would call me a shitcunt at the Wollongong Uni Bar, and then eat half my chips, but then buy me a beer?

I don’t have a lot of experience with this kind of guy, and maybe that’s because Timm is pretty unique?

“He’s such a weirdo” says Angie, and it’s… true? He is strange for TV, for this show. I love it. Everyone is SO NORMAL usually in this franchise, or utter freaks. It’s nice to have a weirdo.

Timm won my heart when they walked under a tree of screeching cockatoos and he just started yelling at them! And Angie got in on it! They called them a choir of assholes! That, in my opinion, is love.

I stan.

Most Annoying

Jamie

I became extremely aware during the rose ceremony that there’s an odd smattering of dudes whose names I just don’t know, and may have never seen before. Some blonde guy, who I’m sure has never been on the camera, says at some point “with all the big personalities in here, I’ve struggled for time with Angie” — and yes, that’s the truth. Whomst are you? I think his name is probably Carl.

I guess what I’m saying is that there’s a bunch of virtual strangers who may annoy me at some point. But at the moment, the only annoying man is Jamie.

He’s still doing his whole possessive, jealous, red flag bullshit. It’s… exhausting and worrying. I don’t like it, or him.

In this episode, he didn’t get to do much of that in any notable way, except for attempting a CLASSIC cocktail coup. Except he borked it — he didn’t try to steal her away, instead he loitered weirdly between Ryan and Angie, trying to neg her about not getting any time with Yvie, and just basically being a gibbering, embarrassing mess.

I wanted to die. It was the worst thing that’s ever happened. I blame him. Oh god, why can’t he just be kicked out. I know Angie wants to.

Never To Annoy Or Not Annoy Again

Niranga And Jesse

I have no feelings about either of these choices, except that every time I glimpsed Jesse, his fringe upset me mildly. Bye guys.

Anyway! Someone better get their dick out next episode, or I’m gonna fucking riot!!!!!!

The Bachelorette Australia is on Channel 10 Wednesdays and Thursdays. We will recap every episode like FOOLS.

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Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton. The Bachelorette Australia!!!