TV

All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 3 Of ‘The Bachelorette’

In this episode of 'The Bachelorette', we try to remember a single male name. Ryan?

The Bachelorette Australia recap episode 3

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.


Oh hello there…wait, what the HELL are YOU doing here? Oh you’re here to read my recap of The Bachelorette? Okay then, that checks out. Welcome.

Can you believe it has only been one week since we were last together watching as streams of men and other organisms came along the red carpet and unfortunately into our lives? So much has happened!

Well mainly, one thing. Jess, the councillor from Noosa got kicked to the curb in a wonderful display by Angie and the other men, and I think has lost his job because he didn’t tell his bosses he was going on The Bachelorette television show and would be talking about Noosa and also being extremely creepy while doing so? No Sir! (Noosa).

Anyway I think we even have an image of him taking his office chair home.

God I hope Noosa will be okay without him!

Anyway yes we are back again and here together as a FAMILY for ONCE, even though your dad isn’t home from work yet. Because he’s recapping The Bachelorette! That’s right, I’m your dad, and the doctor was a woman! Stay on your toes, everyone!

My main concern this week is that I have absolutely already forgotten every single man’s name from last week. There are only so many straight male names that one lesbian can be expected to keep in her brain. I have three brothers and a dad, so already I am at at least 40% capacity.

I can only retain a certain number of brad, tim, michael, steve,sams and james before they start leaking out of my ears. I’m sorry! It’s not my fault, it is biological.

Figure 1: lesbian’s brain

Last week’s episode had a brain busting amount of bullshit heterosexual nonsense and dumb toxic male behaviour, so let’s see who annoys the ever-living shit out of me this week!

As Jackson the pie guy asks in this episode “Is there any word bigger than excited?” to which I say, oh…honey.

Let’s go!

LEAST ANNOYING

CIARRAN

Guys, I think I might…..be in love with Ciarran? He is simply a joy to watch, he is handsome, he is funny, and he has a hilarious accent! What more could I ask for? Besides him to be a woman and dating me.

So cute

Last season we were all about dog cunts, and this season is all about dogs.

The episode started out with a dog show, because Angie LOVES dogs. We get it. Angie loves dogs. And anyone who dates her MUST LOVE DOGS. It’s like that movie, John Wick.

The dogshow threw a spanner in the works because also attending the dog show was Ryan, a guy who works with dogs, and a guy who Angie has INSTAGRAM DMd with BEFORE the show, because again: they love dogs.

Ryan had planned to ask her out before she announced she was going on the show, so now he has just…appeared on the show!!! The other guys are nervous, and to be honest they should be, Instagram DM slides are no laughing matter!

Get out of my DMs and into my heart

Also, he’s known apparently as the “Aussie Dog Guy” and he holds up his dog tattoo when he says this so you know he’s committed.

I bet a lot of your boyfriends could also be called the ‘Aussie dog guy’ but for different reasons. Am i right ladies? Is this relatable? Am i doing stand up?

Anyway, after his arrival the guys all split into groups of two and they have to take a dog around a course. Some of them are very bad at it, causing the dogs to fall.

Which is funny. But Scot (with one T and no sleeves on his T)

teamed up with Ciarran, and they absolutely destroyed.

Sidenote: proving my earlier point about names, when I went to find this screenshot of Scot, I had it saved as “Ryan” — I don’t know who Ryan is (editors note: Ryan is the new dog guy, this is peak lesbian). Moving on, the two of them looked adorable in pink with their dog Rusty, also wearing pink.

They smashed the course, I think honestly because Rusty just seemed to be the most well-trained, even doing hi-5s.

But in any case, who cares, we got to listen to Ciarran say “Loooovely stoooof Roooosty” and then they won, and he got taken on the solo date.

Orright love how’s ya father

I loved this date because Angie asked Ciarran about himself and he was straight away like “I’ve been a dancer, danced in a g-string, used to dance in gay bars with drag queens, also i’ve had a nose job” and Angie is like “hell yeah I love all this shit” and I just think it’s all great.

Also when they arrived there were some dogs, of course, and this dog is me.

Thanks.

HAYDN

Scot, Timm, Haydn, what is going on with the too many letters and not enough letters in this season!

Anyway, I thought Haydn was very respectable in the way he dealt with Jess last week, he obviously hated his guts, and I liked that. He is also similar in the way he is dealing with Jamie, who is a giant buffoon, and I also like that.

Also he looked very cute (like a lesbian) this week, and I also like that. Congrats Haydn.

CARLIN

Okay look, Carlin has still not impressed me, I think he is perhaps boring. However. However. He wore glasses at the rose ceremony and looked EXTREMELY HANDSOME.

He is giving the audience (thirsty viewers) what they want (being handsome), and who am I to judge him for that?

MOST ANNOYING

MITCH

At the dog show they were like “where’s Mitch” and the boys were like “Mitch hurt his ankle so he didn’t come” and Angie was like “that’s a bit shit, he could have come and sat and watched” and later at the house instead of begging her to give him a chance he was all “I’ll sit back and see if she comes up to me” and then Angie was like “hey why didn’t you come today, we’ve barely spent any time together?” and he was like “Yeah well, if you don’t say I’ll be here at the end don’t give me a rose tonight” and I was like……

WHO THE FUCK IS MITCH?????????????????

who

Apparently it’s this guy who looks like he’s on trial for some off-field NRL related incident. Anyway no thanks Mitch.

JAMIE

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. For someone who puts out fires for a living, he sure knows how to start them in my annoyance furnace! Or some other clever analogy, leave me alone I’m tired (of men). Jamie started out this episode by talking about how he wanted to run in the last episode when they were doing photoshoots and pull Angie and Penguin Jackson apart.

Clap if you’re creepy

At the cocktail party, the boys, led by Timm, made a pact. They decided because Angie had such a rough time at the last cocktail party, that they would not be “vultures” this time and would instead let her have a peaceful time and come up and decide who she would like to talk to, instead of being attacked by a pack of man-wolves.

A good boy

Timm I think mostly did this for Angie’s benefit, but also partly to wind Jamie up. Which, is funny. And also worked. Jamie was already on edge because of the existence of Ryan, and went incredibly pale when Angie came up and took Ryan away for a chat.

He then went ahead and broke the pact by going up to Angie and taking her away for a chat, and the boys were ropeable. This was the REAL dogshow.

Jamie wins

At first he made a sort of solid point — the pact is sort of dumb, and he is not here to be friends with the men, he is here for Angie, so he should do what he needs to do. However, he ruined this by saying “I’m not here to be part of the BROZONE” and doing quotation marks.

He is a character from The Office.

Lmao

But yes, you’re sort of correct, but that doesn’t mean that you get to be a piece of shit and awful to everyone around you. Especially when you have to LIVE with these people. That is essentially what Haydn says to him, which in return Jamie says things like “You gotta get over that big fella” and calling him a “smug bastard.”

Sip sip motherfucker

Anyway, Jamie sucks, yet again, and I’m sure it won’t be too long before Angie realises that he is showing signs of possessiveness and weirdness, and boots him. Because Angie is great, and probably too good for most of these men, but especially the possessive and weird ones.

NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN

Bye Mitch, happy we never knew you.

Also farewell to the Zac Efron “lookalike” who unfortunately did nothing this episode besides wear a hat. I’m sure he will have a wonderful time hooking up with lots of women after this by talking about being on this show and about how much he looks like Zac Efron. Good on him, but as always I must say: Ladies, please love yourselves. Sometimes it’s better go home alone.

And sometimes you want to have sex with a guy who looks sort of like Zac Efron after six G&Ts, and that’s fine too.

Thanks for joining me again this week as yet again my homosexual lifestyle is reinforced as superior over and over and over. I love you all, I think in the next episode there will be a lot of talk about Ciarran’s penis, and the wonderful Yvie makes an appearance!

Can’t wait to read what my co-recapper Patrick has to say about all of that, as between the two of us he is more capable to speak about penises.

Goodnight!


Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch