All ‘The Bachelorette’ Contestants Ranked By How Much They Remind Me Of Magicians
A magical crop of weirdos this year.
It’s the most wonderful day of the year — the day where we get to see how many cursed magician-men Osher has managed to wrangle for the latest season of The Bachelorette Australia.
Why do the men who compete for the various blonde women who have been our Bachelorettes always have such a huge “close-up magic that nobody asked for” vibe. Why do these big Tarotcash’s (collective noun for straight men on The Bachelorette) of dudes all look like they’re going to pull their business card from behind your ear, and ask you out for an expensive seafood lunch?
Why
Why do these men look like they’ll whisper “hey presto” in your ear when they come?
We’ll never know. But last year I **accurately** predicted that Ciarran would have major bad juju, so clearly I am very wise. Let’s go through each contestant from The Bachelorette Australia 2020, and find out who the reigning magician will be.
16. Joe
“Pegging himself as a lover, not a fighter, 25-year-old Joe loses all sensibility when he falls in love.”
I’m sorry, he’s doing WHAT to himself?
No judgement, go for it buddy. But magicians don’t get pegged (it might **disappear**).
15. Saj
Maybe the only man I’ve ever seen on this show who is able to wear a suit. The fact that I think he’s hot means he is not a magician, I’ve never found a magician hot.
14. Frazer
This dusky rose suit is BEAUTIFUL.
But this guy isn’t a magician. This guy comes to your town to sell you a monorail. “I hear those things are awfully loud?” you might say, but don’t worry it glides as softly as a cloud.
13. Shannon
On the outside, Shannon LOOKS like a magician, however one of the primary traits a magician must possess is sharp eyes so they can quickly grift people, and steal your watch and give it to your friend Jared, permanently straining your relationship. Shannon does not have this trait.
“What is the first thing you notice about a woman?” he is asked, and he responded with “Her physical attributes such as hair, eyes and smile.”
That’s called “being able to see”. You’d be kicked out of magician school.
12. AB
AB is a film maker, and films are just a kind of trick when you think about it, an elaborate illusion made of lights and sounds.
The greatest trick a magician ever pulled was that film about the train where everyone thought it was coming through the screen at them. Show me the difference between the horror and wonder that those poor saps felt during watching that film, and the horror and wonder someone feels when a magician is coming directly at you from the stage, asking you to choose a card, any card?
Anyway, films are lies and tricks, and orange jackets are inherently a magician outfit.
11. Sam
“Warm, friendly, and with a fire in his belly, 35-year-old Sam is wasting no time to find the one,” is Sam’s official description.
While this COULD sound like a very bad description of Agent Smith from the Matrix trilogy, I think the key point here is the “fire in his belly”, which points to Sam being a FIREBREATHER. Firebreathers are some of the worst kind of magicians, because if God wanted us to breathe fire, he would have invented dragons.
10. Damien
A dinner magician. I said what I said.
9. Jake
Jake is clearly, from his getup, a kind of Criss Angel style illusionist — big stunts, big extravaganza lies, all flash and no substance. His job is as an “explosives handler”, which is a fancy way of saying he likes to blow things up and then appear later, and everyone is like “wow how did he do it?”
8. James
James is a “pro wakeboarder”, who are the magicians of the water world. Nobody likes them, especially not fisherfolk or dolphins.
7. Samuel
Samuel is one of those magicians who don’t look exactly like a magician — because their lies are bone deep. In fact, bones are big business for Samuel.
“Describing himself as a musculoskeletal therapist with an old soul and slight psychic abilities, you know that you’re in for a wild ride with Samuel,” says his bio. The psychic abilities are enough, frankly, but I’m also dismayed at the idea of someone taking a skeleton to therapy. Skeletons do have a lot of issues, mostly from fighting the never-ending Bone War, but therapy only works if someone WANTS to change. Skeleton’s don’t want to change, they just want to kill you and use your bones to become taller so they can get mugs from the top shelf.
6. Pascal
You know how a magician will often ask you to do a bunch of inexplicable things before a trick? Pick this card, tell me your favourite number, touch this dog, guess a number, give me your medicare card? And you are desperately trying to work out what it all means, but you have to do it because everyone is watching you?
Looking at Pascal makes me feel the same way, confused and angry. Why… green. why blazer? why pascal. why emus.
But also much like a magic show, I would prefer to leave, than to ever find out — because also like magic, I’m sure the payoff is underwhelming.
5. Adam
Adam looks like he was born on a Las Vegas stage, his mother one of those women who get sawn in half, his father a man named Mysterio. He ate playing cards for breakfast, he was suckled by a rabbit that lived in a hat, instead of school he was dumped into one of those tanks from The Prestige and he just swam around, happy as a clam.
4. Rudy
This isn’t problematic, but I’m not always sure what the difference between an Italian and a magician is. One lives in Italy, and one lives in my nightmares, I guess.
3. Trent
A lad magician? In this day and age? North of Liverpool? Entirely localised within the Bachelor mansion?
Trent will shiv you, and then make your body disappear! Trent is a smooth talkin’ street magician, who probably started out doing that magician game with three cups and a ball on street corners, and then graduated to one of the greatest tricks in the world: cooking meth.
I dunno, Trent seems bad news.
2. Adrian
How DARE you come in here with your steampunk hat and your GOGGLES.
Steampunk is the only thing in this world that I hate more than a magician, and I hate magicians so much. Adrian is clearly a steampunk magician, and what does he pull out of his hat? Steam and despair, my friend. Steam that smells like an old dick sock on a hot summers day, and rich anachronistic despair.
Yikes.
1. Agostino
Agostino, the magnificent! That name. That rich magician hair. That Jack London spring season jacket.
Agostino also reckons he is “a frog looking for his princess” which I don’t understand! And you know what else I don’t understand? The cursed pastime of magic.
Agostino is the king magician.
Well, we did it. The Bachelorette is on Network 10 starting this week on Wednesday. Junkee will be recapping every episode.
Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.