A Ranking Of All ‘The Bachelorette’ Contestants Based On Whether Or Not They Are A Magician
All straight men on dating shows look like magicians! Prove me wrong!
Can you even believe that it’s already time to watch The Bachelorette? Seems like only three weeks ago I was slamming my fragile body brutally against a lighthouse, just wishing for The Bachelor to end. There’s only two things you can rely on in this world, and that’s time and reality television.
Pretty much the only good thing about The Bachelorette is the age-old tradition of looking at all the men who have lined up to win *insert blonde woman’s name* heart, and ruthlessly ranking them based on how closely they resemble a stage magician.
You might think that’s a weird thing to do, but let me assure you: I wouldn’t need to do it if straight men on reality TV shows didn’t always look like magicians in some way.
Let’s rank how MAGICAL and MYSTICAL and LIVES IN A BASEMENT all 20 contestants on The Bachelorette 2019 are:
Despite the Jack London blazer, Glenn has the least amount of cursed magician energy. Glenn is apparently a refrigeration mechanic, and while refrigerators ARE inherently mystical (how food so cold????), the upkeep of them is a solid, sensible job, antithetical to the flashy lies of a stage magician.
Carlin is so confident that he is not a magician, that he’s wearing a bow-tie, or “the magician’s noose” as it’s known. But he’s not a magician! You can tell, because his eyes are healthy.
Warwick’s magician energy is so low that he doesn’t even play Solitaire, because all the playing cards are too evocative of a magic trick.
Mitch does a magic show every year for the local talent show, raising money for drought-savaged farmers. It is embarrassing how much he looks forward to it, how he practices for months, how his little eyes light up with pleasure, but people don’t saying anything: you know, because of the farmers.
Matt is apparently a “fun loving BMX stunt rider”, which simply means he is a bicycle magician.
Jackson, and I cannot stress this enough, has over forty scarves up his sleeve at all times, and he’s never washed them.
What are those magicians called who come into your house, and worm their way into your confidence, only to extort your good will later in the form of money or goods? Oh yeah, a huckster, or a scam artist. He’s that kind of magician. He will date your mother for three weeks and then sell your washing machine on Etsy.
Oliver is very excited about his new Adelaide Fringe show, a “cheeky blend of magic and stand-up”. It’s called ‘Oliver Twist: A Fantabulous Adventure Through Sleight-of-Hand’. Tickets are $5, but free for other artists.
This dude is definitely a “Mathemagician”, and that’s a terrible thing to do. We should never encourage maths.
Haydn has cursed CHILDREN’S PARTY MAGICIAN energy — no Las Vegas stage for him, just the muted cries of astonishment from children, some of the stupidest of all the types of humans. Of course they’re impressed that you disappeared a coin — everything’s new to them, they don’t know how anything works!
The greatest trick Scot ever pulled was disappearing the second ‘T’ from the name ‘Scott’.
Proposed to his high school girlfriend by releasing a dove from his top-hat at the school formal.
Niranga is wearing a VEST, also known as “the magician’s tshirt”.
Kayde is a luxury car salesman, which is simply a magician who has sold out.
Enjoys cutting women in half, both as a trick and as a murder thing.
Nobody expects a handsome man to be a magician, but that’s perhaps his biggest trick of all! The other biggest trick is guessing which card you have. It’s his card, and he is a realtor.
One of those magicians who wear a unitard and lifts heavy things! There’s a chance that I’ve gotten magicians and circus folk mixed up, but let’s get this straight: I don’t want you dating them, young lady! When the moon’s full, they steal babies for their feasts.
Alex’s biggest turn-ons include someone: “who is happy in their own skin without make up”, and it’s like, buddy, you do stage illusions for a living? How dare you.
Josh is apparently the owner of a mobile zoo — seems a slippery slope from that to making them jump through flaming hoops. I hate magicians!!!!
Adam is a competitive free-diver, or a “pool magician”.
Adam definitely proposed to his high school girlfriend by releasing a dove from his top-hat at the school formal.
There are two signs that Timm is actually a secret magician, and not just someone drenched in dank magician energy.
First off, he is apparently a Fireproofer, and I don’t know what that is, but you know who uses fire a lot? Those magicians that I see in the local park, who twirl it around or put it in their mouths. You need to be “fireproof” to use it in your little acts!
Second — he says his major turns offs are: “Close minded, self-entitled, girls that don’t swim.” You know where a close minded, self-entitled, girl who doesn’t swim ABSOLUTELY wouldn’t want to swim? One of those tanks that Hugh Jackman put his wife in The Prestige.
Abracadab-bro, it’s Ciarran!
Ciarran’s only fate is to be mauled by one of the two white tigers he uses in his act. Ciarran says “and now for my next trick, your panties are going to disappear” and it never lands, but he keeps doing it. Ciarran watches Austin Powers and doesn’t find it funny, because it’s like someone imitating him. Ciarran, in his defence, doesn’t just have magician energy — he could be a very successful magician. He could make it big.
Apparently he used to be a rifleman in the army, and I don’t know what that means exactly, but he definitely quit so he could take his act on the road.
The Bachelorette Australia is on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursdays. We will be recapping every episode, like an idiot.
Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.