“It Came Right At Me”: A Review Of The Film Where The Train Comes Right At You

I have just seen a “film”, and let me begin by saying I am aghast, confounded — and mildly syphilitic.

This past Tuesday eve I was minding my own business, enjoying a casual stroll down the main street hoping to perhaps stop at the cobblers for a fresh heel, or find a tonic to cure my terrible vapours, or maybe even head out to the foggy pier and holler at the moon.

Instead, much to my consternation, before my very eyes appeared the Devil himself, disguised as a well-to-do gentleman with pearly white teeth and a moustache that curled back upon itself like the fabled ouroboros but one made of hair.

He said to me that he could give me a vision of the future if only I would deign to follow him. A “motion picture”, he called it, and if I were interested, he would usher me into a small dark room and show me something remarkable.

The man let out a terrible and foreboding chuckle, which was either about the grim fate that awaited me or he was thinking about something he’d remembered from earlier in the day, possibly a funny little incident involving a man’s hat falling into a puddle.

For my own sake, I’d hoped it was the latter, as that does sound very funny.

And deary me, on the first occasion I thought I had died and ascended, I’ll tell you what.

A Theatrical Experience

There I was, me, a humble manure sommelier, being treated to the finest luxury as if I were the King of Spain himself!

Around me sat a crowd of thirty or so of my peers, each equally baffled but pleasantly surprised by their surroundings. They placed me on the softest padded chairs that ever had the good grace to cushion my prodigious posterior and handed me a box of freshly-popped corn, the function of which alludes me to this day.

Next, the curtain was drawn back revealing a grey wall.

Now, I know that already sounds impressive but just you wait — for a moment later, the ugly boy working the front of house turned on a magic box holding a powerful demon he called The Projector and all of a sudden that grey wall was transformed into an amazing window into the world. What stunning magic!

Why, we were delighted! The crowd burst into spontaneous applause the likes of which I have never seen outside of a public hanging or that nasty fever that passed through the population two winter’s before which caused the bout of involuntary hand slaps.

hey, "cinephiles" – you're not a real film buff unless your favorite movie is the one where the train comes at the screen, ok?

— fran (@TrophyUncle) November 16, 2015

Alas, The Train!

That was when, on the horizon, we first saw the grim spectre of a train heading directly for those of us in the theatre, at quite a speed, too!

All of a sudden, panic! Screaming! Women ran for the exit, men threw children at the train to slow it down as they made their escape. Chaos reigned. It was just lucky I had enough hot melted butter on my popped corn to properly scald an elderly man standing between me and the exit.

We fearful masses streamed out of the room, trampling all underfoot as we burst back out into the light. My heart was racing like a colt from the castrator. And now, as I write to both you, dear editor and our local constabulary, I have to say I am outraged.

What a dreadful trick and indecent attempt at mass murder.

I must admit I fear the cold-blooded psychopathy that drives a man to performing such an elaborate ruse of inviting guests into a comfortable theatre only to hit them with a train, which I think you will find is quite illegal!

Indeed, I must question the morals of any train driver who accepts a commission to drive their train right through a magic window into a crowd of onlookers. Not to mention, the deliberate murder of your entire customer base is one of the most common and regrettable mistakes a new business can make.

Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat) in order to regain something of their decisiveness. These early films, made in a single continuous shot, declared that every detail of the moving world is worth considering and capturing. They were forced by the immobile camera to have a fixed 11/

— coney von einland (@connkun) March 1, 2020

My Review Of The World’s First Motion Picture

Beyond this, I found the plot to be predictable and derivative.

There is nothing in this telling of me being pancaked by an oncoming train that I had not already seen in the terrible thoughts that haunt me whenever I visit the local station.

For me, I cannot bear the thought of giving this production any more than 2 stars. One for the elaborate nature of the planning, which cannot be denied, and one for the attempt to end my hellish life once and for all.

Will having a train run you down in the privacy and comfort of a refitted theatre become a summer tradition? I can only presume, yes.

Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat (1895) – Lumière brothers https://t.co/22wpEOt35G

— Gabriel Sanches(z) (@san2607) February 27, 2020

---