All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 9 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Hello, please read our latest recap of The Bachelor Australia episode 10, by Rebecca Shaw!!!

Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.

I’m back!

That’s right, for any eagle-eyed fans, you might be wondering why I am not Rebecca Shaw, and in fact, am Patrick Lenton. I often wonder the same thing.

Never fear, the actually perfect and witty Rebachelor Shaw will be doing tomorrow night’s episode, because I believe she needed to go to a netball game tonight?

I can’t remember exactly what it was she needed to do, but it was something devastatingly lesbian, and I was only too happy to help out. Maybe one side of her hair needed to be trimmed? Not sure.

Anyway.

So, what happened on The Bachelor Australia tonight? Was it overwhelmingly heterosexual? Sorta. Was it really stupid and also boring? Also yes. Aaaaaaargh!

Honestly, I’m having fantasies where everyone just gets up and leaves the mansion, and perhaps ends our suffering? Matt would be left wandering the empty halls, clutching at his hair, scrawling arcane equations on the slightly damp walls, bemoaning the loss of all his wives, using his horny science brain to create a horrible frankenstein creature for him to marry.

Apparently it was the Week of Dangerous Love, which is my least favourite Bachy romance trope. All the dates will be vaguely inching into adventure holiday style activities, like jumping out of aeroplanes, or plunging their enormous coiffed heads into roaring flame, or re-downloading dating app — you know, real crazy stuff, with huge risk and almost no reward.

And we get it! Falling for someone is just like a terrifying yet controlled leap into the unknown, and often there is a weird man strapped to your back. The metaphor about romance is obvious.

So let’s do the bloody recap.

Least Annoying

Elly

So, Elly got the single date, and the Mattchelor took her to learn fire-dancing.

I’m sorry, but this was just so boring. You always know the Bachy producers are pushing to make something *seem* romantic when they up the sparkle noise sound effect, and there was SO MUCH sparkle going on, it sounded like a dozen pixies all jerking off at the same time. Sparkle sparkle.

But, as boring as this all was, Elly remains incredibly cute, because she exclaims in basically the same way as my nan did when she something mild happened on TV.

“Streuth almighty,” she mutters, as she’s handed a big handful of fire.

“Holy moly, aww crikey, gee whiz” she continues, like a little orphan kid from Victorian era London, discovering a fresh rind of cheese to chew on.

It is honestly very wholesome.

There’s also a cursed moment where Matt puts on a fire-twirling vest, and they joke about how ugly he is, and how he actually looks like a time-travelling steampunk pervert (my words, not theirs), and she’s all “take it off slowly” and then says “that’s a fine slice of apple pie” — and it’s cute, until Matt starts to wonder if she’s actually being serious, and then Elly picks up on this, and tries to walk it all back.

“What if Matt think i’m into nerd leather cosplay as a kink?” she basically says, and it’s very lol. Once I made a joke on a date about being a furry, and watched as she laughed, and then paused, wondering if maybe, just maybe, i wanted to fuck someone in a fur suit.

Kristen

So, continuing the whole “let’s flirt with death so we unnaturally feel things for each other” theme, the Bachy took a bunch of the blondes and Sogand up into the very sky itself, and pushed them out of a plane!

Amongst these blondes is Kristen, who we might remember from past episodes, or we might not. I dunno.

Anyway, Kristen, very rightly, objected to the idea of having to skydive as a performative romantic gesture. “If anything, respecting my boundaries is even more romantic!” she might have said.

But basically, she freaked the fuck out. And this was not annoying, because skydiving is STUPID and I am SCARED of it, because it is UNNATURAL. I am also scared of submarines, which are also unnatural, and like reverse skydiving.

Mankind was never meant to leave the safe land-mansions where we were born.

Anyway, after she jumped out of the plane (winning her a rose), she watched Matt land and said “I’m so relieved he didn’t become one of those bad statistics, like I thought I was gonna be.” lol, catastrophising through statistics is basically a love language for earth signs. If i say “don’t get hit by a scooter in the financial district”, i’m basically saying “I value you”.

Most Annoying

Mary

Mary is fun, but she’s so annoying. She speaks in lots of fun little bites, like when she says “another day at the mansion, another day without a date, another day surrounded by panties”.

OK!

But the fact is, if there’s drama going down, we hear about it from Mary, we get her perspective, she’s always involved. And I am so bored by it! The drama this season has sucked balls, and the commentary has ranged from toothless to depressing.

“That’s why her lips are so big,” says Mary, about Rachael. “They’re full of secrets”. Look, her lips are big, but I feel we can do better with this joke. If Rachael likes big ol’ lips, then fucking go off, get some big lips, that’s cool. Everybody needs to stop being such narcs.

Anyway, today’s big thing is that Rachael is mildly keen on one of the crew-members of the show, and has even given him her number. Naturally everyone is chatting about this, this, treason! But it is very much led by Mary.

But let’s be real, Rachael has to KNOW that she doesn’t have a shot at this point — she hasn’t had a single date, and has barely talked to Matt. She might as well flirt with some hot camera dude? Why not. Get it.

But Mary very much rides in on her high horse, and rats her out to Matt.

“I don’t want to be a gossip or a snitch, but…” she says. Guess what! You are both a gossip and a snitch.

I don’t hate it. It’s smart game play by Mary. Smart, but dirty. But overwhelmingly: annoying. This episode was so annoying!

Matt/ Osher/ This Whole Show

Before he threw his girlfriends out of a plane, they played a fun game where they labelled a whole bunch of baggage with their fears, because the tortured-yet-literal analogy is that we shouldn’t go into a new relationship with too much emotional baggage. Get it? I get it.

And honestly, did this entire show subtweet me? How dare you?

NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN

Rachael

Rachael was booted by Matt! And you know what — fine. All I could feel was grateful, that maybe this meant one less episode that I had to recap? I dunno. I wish Rachael the best, she made me laugh at least once.

She also left by saying “You fucking dogs”, so she automatically wins the show.

Nikki

Nikki did not get a rose, and I am basically just sad that I won’t have her extremely expressive face to include in recaps anymore. She really left with a whimper, not a bang too. I expected that she’d do… something before she left. Oh well. Bye, you seem great.

I’m sad that you have left less expressive people in your place. Chelsie? Literally hasn’t had a facial movement in her life.

See ya’ll next week, you sociopaths.

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Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.