All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 8 Of ‘The Bachelor’
In this episode, we learn about how friendship means sharing your enemies!
Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.
Ok, I’m SORRY. But what the heck is going on in this episode? What dank, mushroom scented, loamy piece of shit, straight nonsense is this?
I mean, I say that every episode, but this time I’m even more outraged. I am stomping around the office in my big boy shoes, utterly inconsolable! Do not console me, I am recapping!!! If the keyboard is a tappin’, don’t come a-knockin’. My other car is a bachelor recap!
Random thought of the day…
If @Brocklesnitch is The Rebachelor, is @PatrickLenton the Patchelor?— Emily McGregor (@limeytime89) August 22, 2019
Basically, all you need to know is the drama between Sogand and Abbie continues apace, and by apace, I mean interminably, a long never-ending drag of sighs and whispered gossip and endless conversation about people having the right intentions.
What even is an intention? When I enter a room, I make sure my brain is clear and empty and devoid of goal or thought, like a goldfish, like a sweet dad in search of keys.
This happens every season — at the beginning it all seems to be about romance, about a lonely yet extremely jizzed-up science boy who simply wants to meet a lovely blonde lady to go kayaking with. But after about 8 episodes, we see that the entire time this has been a ruse — there is a ticking time bomb at the heart of the show.
And that bomb is Matt Agnew’s penis, and the sperm stored within.
thinkin’ bout impregnating!
The ticking time bomb, the Chekhov’s biological gun, is apparently fertility — and the game shifts from who is the most alluring, who is the most sexy, who is the most loveable and psychotic, to whose womb is more receptive to baby spray. To whomst the Mattchelor can run down the aisle as quickly as possible.
The sheer heterosity of it all! These women deserve so much better, they deserve to monetise their brief fame into highly successful Instagram businesses.
Last episode, my co-recapper, the absurdly talented, inestimably funny, and extremely shiny-haired Rebecca Shaw hoped for one thing: that there would be no more weird hetero foot play.
She got her wish — unfortunately it was I who was lumped with more straight people touching each other’s feet (and not because I recently saw Once Upon A Time In Hollywood ! Quentin Tarantino wants to ejaculate on feet, and that’s funny!).
is… this how… bebe is made?
Anyway, thats only the beginning of the nonsense. Let’s recap, my extremely good bitches.
Least Annoying
Max, Sogand’s BFF
Frankly, we have no choice but to stan Max, Sogand’s surprise best friend.
So, the big thing in today’s episode was the group date, in which Matt brought in his best friend Kate, to grill his harem of wives.
I say this with no hyperbole at all, that this is actually the role of a best friend. One of my bffs didn’t like my last boyfriend, and she was right! I should have listened.
Anyway, not only does Kate get to come in and ruthlessly judge everyone, which is a dream job btw, but all the girls on the date got to hang with THEIR best friends.
Amongst them is Max, Sogand’s gay best friend (I actually don’t have confirmation on the status of his gayness, his gaiety, i should do journalism, etc, but if he ain’t gay, he is exhibiting all the good traits that one WANTS from a gay best friend, so I am reclaiming him for our community, it’s canon now. It’s a compliment.).
And frankly, this show needs Max. We have been crying out for Max.
Like, immediately, he’s like “I like Abbie, she’s funny”
And Sogand shuts that down, straight away.
“we’re doing the thing where I tell you who to hate”
And as every gay bff knows how to do FLAWLESSLY, he simply pivoted.
“this is literally the first thing i could find wrong with her”
This is QUEER CULTURE, effortlessly and unquestionably absorbing our friend’s feuds, gathering nemesi-in-law like Pogs.
He even continued to fight Sogand’s insane feuds, when he sat down with Matt, and they managed to get through the awkwardness of being dressed the same.
now kiss
“Sogand thinks someone else in the house isn’t being genuine… I forget her name actually.”
That is a tried and true method of spilling the tea for your BFF — get the info out, but keep it unspecific, so you’re not liable, and neither is your friend.
He also kept this face on throughout the entire conversation, which is the universal gay face for “humouring a straight person”
We cannot help but stan, i am being forced to stan.
“Sogand is like an onion, she’s very passionate,” he says, making me wonder if he knows what an onion is.
Later on, he gives this piece of timeless advice to Sogand, which I am absolutely going to steal:
“You know, you just gotta be you — except the crazy part”.
Helena
Helena got to make out with Matt, and she absolutely smeared him with makeup, and she has this great husky voice, and i’m into it!
“I dress like a Bond villain, and it works!”
Most Annoying
Kristen
Kristen is probably annoying on her own, but let’s ignore that. She unfortunately is the vanguard of all sorts of extremely annoying nonsense every time she’s on the screen.
First off, as we know about Kristen, she’s massively into China. We’ve discussed this. It’s weird.
She loves talking about China, she loves speaking Mandarin.
But every time she does ANYTHING like that, this generic “oriental” music comes on, and it’s very yikes.
that’s a big yikes from me, dogg
Anyway, she then proceeded to have the worst date known to man, which she gamely managed to turn into an innuendo. I had no idea that straight sex was akin to trying to board somebody’s kayak mid-paddle, but there we go!
is this how… bebe… is made?
There’s always one Bachy date where someone gets smeared in mud, and it’s NOT GOOD. Not good! They should absolutely replace the mud with Gak, or slime. They should replace this entire show with the Nickolodeon Kid’s Choice Awards, and just slime everyone.
i used to think kayaking sounded wholesome and healthy, so i put it on my resume as a hobby, bc maybe people would hire me, a wholesome kayaking boy. And look at me now!
Sogand And Abbie
I’m so bored by this.
If I wanted to watch two grown women fight, I would simply go to Menai RSL and enjoy some simple mud wrestling! And I would never do that, so I guess I simply don’t want to watch two grown women fight.
“this is deeply boring for everyone”
To think that only a few, incredibly long and banal episodes ago, these two were my favourites? Ridiculous.
They’ve ruined everything for the people who truly matter: the recappers.
The Mattchelor Himself
Do you know what’s INSANE? Just how badly they keep dressing Matt.
we live in a society
I was struck anew when his shirt was off and he was being smeared with coffee grounds that this is a very sexy man. But his outfits… his outfits are not good. We looked it up, and all of his shirts are from Politix, his shoes mostly from Aquila, and his suits from the depths of my nightmares!
“Osher, teach me”
Last year, they dressed the Honey Bachelor head to toe in Jack London, which is a brand I like. But it’s designed for the more slender man, and Honey Bachy was built like an enormous sentient chicken nugget. He made it work, but that was the vibe!
None of Matt’s shirts fit, his shoes don’t match, sometimes he looks like an old timey plane captain.
The Bachelor is on every Wednesday and Thursday night, we will be recapping them into eternity.
Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.