All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 10 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.

Hello everyone! That’s right, it’s me! Rebecca! Your favourite recapper of The Bachelor besides Patrick “Longboy” Lenton and ten to seventeen thousand other recappers.

And yes, do NOT adjust your sets, it is Friday! I know I usually recap the Wednesday night show, but I decided to keep you on your toes, keep you guessing, keep the mystery alive, so that we don’t lose our attraction to each other and have our weekly sex appointment become perfunctory and boring!

I’m doing this for you.

Last night Patrick “Bisexual Slenderman” Lenton was kind enough to take over the heterosexual duties of recapping the show, while I was out in the world “living” and “being gay.” Sorry. Patrick’s recap led me to believe last night’s episode was so boring it could send an innocent man mad, and also leading me to that fact is that he said it to me on Facebook messenger.

So, it seems I may have dodged a bullet, which incidentally would have been a MUCH more interesting ‘dangerous date’ idea, have them try to dodge bullets shot at each other from a big gun! If we are going to do this, let’s do it right!

From what I have seen of last night’s episode, Elly and Matt did fire twirling, which I didn’t even know existed outside of Camperdown Park in Newtown. It’s not dangerous except I guess for how SEXY and COOL people look doing it!

Personally I would prefer to see the contestants trying to have a date while using Diabolo sticks.

I AM sad that I missed the chance to say how funny it is that Rachael was hitting on a crew member and was asked to leave, so i’ll say it now:

“It’s really funny that Rachael was hitting on a crew member and was asked to leave” — Rebecca Shaw, 2019.

Love isn’t just for the horniest of horny science men! Camera people need love too!! Without camera operators we wouldn’t be able to SEE Matt’s glasses get fogged up, so please spare a thought for them.

So! What on earth will happen tonight? Do I care? Do you care? Does anything matter at all in this godforsaken world we call home? Let’s find out!

Okay so this was another “put contestants in weird situations” episode, which to me proves absolutely nothing.

They can pretend it’s about “seeing if they’ll have a go” or “communication and trust” but it isn’t, it’s just to see hot people in situations where they do dumb stuff, or not wear much. If the show really wanted to test people and how they cope in hard situations they would have episodes like “attending a co-worker’s birthday lunch” or “being single and sad and writing a recap of The Bachelor after working all day.”

Just an unrelated hypothetical!

Anyway the group date this week was going to a place I think was called P!NK’s Loungeroom, or The Inside of P!nks Brain

They were there to do acrobatics and circus or somesuch, but don’t worry, the guy who runs it looks nothing like you would expect him to!!

Let’s see how they went.

LEAST ANNOYING

ELLY

I am an Elly stan. She is not going to win The Bachelor. But she has won my heart. Every little thing she does brings me delight.

When the group date was announced, she was so excited for Emma getting to go.

When they arrived for the group date and how she looks at Matt.

When she was talking about how the group were going to do acrobatics and then Matt would choose one person to “learn a routine” and she said “I always want more time with Matt, so I guess you could say….danger is my middle name” which absolutely relates to nothing, but she laughed so much at herself.

And then when they came back from the group date and she yelled extremely loudly “GDAYYYY” and gave Kirsten/Kristen a real startle.

And was delighted at that.

And then she gave Matt a gift, which was a flanno, and got him to put it on, and he absolutely looked the most attractive he has to me this entire series. Because he is a lesbian, and so am I.

We love Elly and always will, thanks.

ABBIE

Okay so Abbie was annoying at points in this episode, but most of that is just the fact that she is 100% being set up to be the Evil Seductress who Seduces Matt with her Boobs, but then he realises she is Evil and her Womb isn’t immediately ready to create Babies, and doesn’t choose her.

But I like her!

I think she is bringing much needed personality to the show, she is funny, and Matt and her get on very very well. They have fun together! And yes, lots of that is sexy sexy fun. Valid fun!!!

Look, Matt has boring tendencies, and Abbie is the one person who I think makes him seem less boring for moments at a time. She also seemed to have genuine emotions when talking about Matt, and her eyes sparkled with tears as if she is a Disney princess.

BUT, the main reason she is on the least annoying list is because of the routine her and Matt did. They both looked lovely and really good together as it started.

And then they got wrapped up together and it all looked beautiful, and they started to spin. And spin.

And spin. And spin.

They spun so fast.

At this point all I could think of was how much they look like the spinning grandmother being rescued by the helicopter from earlier this year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I burst out laughing, and I could not stop laughing for as long as it went on.

WILD HELICOPTER RESCUE: Firefighters say a 74-year-old woman had to be flown off of Piestewa Peak this morning after she suffered an injury while hiking.

STORY: https://t.co/H4HavJnsgn pic.twitter.com/2FPQR0qiZ9

— FOX 10 Phoenix (@FOX10Phoenix) June 4, 2019

The grandmother is fine, she just spun so fast. Like Matt and Abbie. Enjoy.

This gave me the biggest laugh I’ve had for some while, on or off the show, so thank you Abbie and Matt.

MOST ANNOYING

MARY

I know I just said that the forced activities they are meant to participate in are dumb, but this episode had Mary once again complaining about having to do an activity, saying “surely there is an easier way to find love?” when told she would be doing the acrobatics.

And I mean, maybe there is and maybe there isn’t, and maybe love isn’t real, but the fact of the matter is you are on a television show to compete and do heterosexual shit in order to prove you are a worthy mate. So get in there!

Mary gives great soundbites, and she seems like a lot of fun. But her recent habit of commenting on Abbie (in particular) showing too much skin, or getting her boobs out, or being too sexual is a downer.

Let everyone do what they want, if you don’t want to do that sort of thing, it is also fine. But it doesn’t mean you should comment on other people’s behaviours and bodies! I’ve got my boobs out right now! Or DO I? Nobody knows, except the Russian hackers watching through my spycam.

CHELSIE

Chelsie is sweet, and her and Matt have a lot in common.

Unfortunately the main thing they have in common is being a bit boring and constantly telling each other how smart they are, and how attractive it is that they are both so smart. Congrats, you’ve read a book! You aren’t better than us!!

I did also find their dangerous date a bit annoying. First of all, when finding out they were going to be rappelling down the wall of a hotel Chelsie said “I’m so excited to be rappelling down a building in Sydney. It’s so crazy, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.”

Come on Chelsie.

Then, they were SO bad at the rappelling. Which is fine, but I had a really strange feeling that we were getting a glimpse into bad heterosexual sex. These are all real things said during it.

“You need to get horizontal”

“I’m basically sitting on you”

“Gonna have to pull out”

“Sorry I’m ruining your cool moment”

No thank you! Anyway, they pashed and sat on a couch and Chelsie opened up about her ex Dog C**T boyfriend who treated her really badly, and Matt was absolutely blown away that a man could treat a woman badly.

Anyway, it was all just a bit boring, as per with those two. Chelsie doesn’t annoy me that much, and partly that is because i have her in the office sweeps and I think she’s going to win, and I can never stay mad at someone if they are going to benefit me in some way.

NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN

Mary and Nichole

It was pretty obvious that this was coming, neither of the women had a single date, and it was their time to go. Yet another victory for team White and Blonde, who are growing stronger every single day.

May they spare us.

So that’s it! Nothing exciting or interesting really happened this week, but next week they are bringing in some Bachelor all-stars! Aka the only two couples who have survived after the show. And if the preview is anything to go by, there’s going to be some real splitting along gender lines as if you are closeted at your uncle’s BBQ!

Can’t wait!

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Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch