All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 3 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Edit: Read our latest recap of episode four!

Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.

Well, well, well, look at what the cat has dragged in! It’s us!

In this metaphor, we are what the cat has dragged in, and the Mattchelor has his fine feline mouth around the scruff of our collective necks, encouraging us to suckle at his sweet teat of prospective romances (sorry).

Sidenote: If any networks want to cast me in The Catchelor, a reality show about a lesbian trying to find her perfect cat match, email me! 

SO!

We have had a full week to process what went down in the premiere of The Bachelor last week, and even though we all probably experienced many wondrous and beautiful things in the real world in the meantime, such as the miracle of flowers, or the warm embrace of loved ones, we have nevertheless decided to be back here again, together, watching, and in my case, writing about it.

Science can’t explain why any of us are doing this, so let’s just lean into the eternal darkness and go with it! 

Once again, I will be ranking the episode based on who annoyed me the least alllll the way to who annoyed me the most.

There is no real rhyme or reason to this, no predetermined categories, no parameters, it is simply who inspires what feelings in me as I watch each episode and am easily manipulated by reality television producers, as if the thousands of years of human evolution have been for nought.

And as always the main feeling I have at all times during this show anyway is “I am so glad to be gay, holy shit thank you to whichever biological gene or seeing Miss Honey in Matilda or whatever happened to make me turn out this way.” 

Is that….girls turning gay? 

In case you’ve forgotten, last week some NEW GIRLS came into the house, approximately ONE DAY after the ORIGINAL GIRLS came into the house, which caused DRAMA!

And I haven’t seen that kind of drama since 30 to 50 feral hogs tried to get to my children. Please google this if you don’t understand the reference, I’m not calling women hogs, it’s a funny INTERNET reference, and it will NOT be relevant after today, but I WILL continue to use it for my own amusement. 

Anyway all the new women met Matt last week! There was a boxer! There was a cheerleader!

There were more than two non-white women for a brief moment! No wait, that can’t be right. The Mattchelor ended up ditching three new girls and three old girls, or something like that. Why aren’t we calling them women?  I have no idea!

I also have no idea which or whom woman is still there, but absolutely who cares because most importantly Vakoo, who was sick at the rose ceremony, is back!!!!!

Let’s see if I can remember anyone else’s name! 

LEAST ANNOYING

MARY

Mary did a 180 this week, and I don’t mean Matt’s IQ! What does that joke mean? Who cares, i’m tired!

In this episode, Mary killed off everyone else and became my favourite person on this show, and possibly on earth. She really shone in the group date, where an equal number of Team OG and Team New were taken to a field where they were introduced to an AFL player and a male AFL player.

This also allowed us to see how similar Matt’s physique is to an AFL player! Which seems like it shouldn’t be similar considering he is a scientist! But it is!

Also Osher looks hot with a beard!

Anyway, the women were told they were playing touch AFL, Matt would be refereeing, and after the game he would choose one of them to go on a single date.

They were informed that they were not allowed to tackle or they would be sin binned. Mary immediately got warned for being too aggressive. Almost immediately after receiving the warning she says “I saw Julia getting the ball and I was like, bitch, bitch you better run” and then this happened

She bowled over Julia and was sinbinned!

Amazing, we love her, she is an icon. She was then terrible at AFL for the rest of the game, and said about having to play “There should be an easier way to find love.”

When her team ended up winning in spite of her, she celebrated as if she was the MVP.

And look at her eyeshadow in the rose ceremony!

She is a true queen.

ELLY

Sweet, sweet Elly was very sweet again!

The episode started with the date she won last time, which was a trip to Matt’s hometown, where she would experience Matt’s hometown. Turns out this meant going to Flemington racecourse, staying there, and then going home.

Turns out Matt was born on the racetrack and raised by horses.

Elly notices how many flowers there are around and says if Matt doesn’t give her one, she’ll just take one from the racecourse. Then she does a very long laugh at her own joke, and it is cute!

Matt comes on a horse-drawn carriage and collects her, and Elly says about the beautiful surrounds, “I really appreciate a good lawn.”

Then they get down from that carriage, and they meet Gai Waterhouse and Elly pretends to give a shit that they get to see the Melbourne Cup.

But maybe she is actually impressed by very little, because at one point she says about the horse-themed day “Matt knows I’m from the country, so he’s organised for me to ride a horse.”

Which first of all, are we seriously pretending Matt does any of this. Also second, getting someone from the country a horse ride seems like the worst and most boring possible thing?  Oh you’re a mermaid? Our date is in the ocean.

Also, I don’t know if it’s because Elly won this trip with a golden ticket, but Gai is giving me full on Willy Wonka energy, and I love it.

After the horse and carriage ride, and staring at the horseriding cup, Elly and Matt do more horseriding, and Elly says “it’s just like riding a horse”, when they are riding horses, and laughs and laughs. I love it.

Anyway they go and have a little sit down at the racetrack after getting off the horse, surrounded by even more horses.

What the fuck is going on! Is this episode sponsored by… horses? And why the long face? Is it because Matt is going to KISS IT OFF?

Look this was actually not a bad looking kiss, especially considering who is doing it (heterosexuals).

Elly is cute, they like each other a lot, and she is not annoying. I don’t think she’s going to win this whole thing, but she is very sweet. Do I like her partly because she reminds me of myself because she says things like “bloody hell” and “crikey”, and did someone I was dating once admonish me for saying “crikey” immediately after sex?

I don’t think we need to go into that here but thanks for asking!

Special shoutout to my favourite episode character, the cheeky horse Matt was riding, for just randomly biting off a big piece of tree. I love you, be the next bachelor.

ABBIE

Abbie gave me important things yet again. Shocked reactions to mean things Rachael said..

And MOST important, some real Bend it like Beckham vibes when congratulating The OG women for winning the AFL match!

Is all it takes to win me over the slightest WHIFF of lesbianism? Am I that easily swayed? Abbiesolutely!

MOST ANNOYING

NIKKI

I thought that maybe Nikki would become less annoying once she changed out of the cheerleader outfit. In fact I was ready for her to Bring It On! Get it, that’s a cheerleading reference? Call me Eliza Dushku!

Unfortunately she is very annoying even in regular clothes. She says things like “we are pretty fabby fab” and also “Matt may have flown in from another planet, but I want to explore Matt!”

That joke makes no sense! Have I personally done several jokes in this recap already that make no sense? Yes.

Do I find her annoying because perhaps on some level I fear we are the same and I am annoying? Ask my therapist! Regardless of the deep-seated reason I simply cannot and will not face, I find her annoying, sorry!

EMMA

Emma didn’t have much to do this episode, but she did do one thing that annoyed me very much, which was to laugh FAR TOO LOUDLY at Nikki’s “exploring Matt” joke.

Don’t encourage men by laughing at their bad jokes, and don’t encourage Nikkis by laughing at her bad jokes. Everyone keep laughing at MY bad jokes though. I don’t have a therapist.

NICHOLE

Nichole was good at AFL and won the single date, but sadly remains the worst at being a person I want to watch on television.

She doesn’t even have whatever the opposite of joie de vivre is that other villain Rachael has. Such as Rachael’s face in the exact scene where Emma laughed too hard at Nikki’s joke. I’m obsessed.

No, Nichole is not witty or funny enough to be a true fun villain, and Matt found this out on their date where she simply listed all of the sports she has ever done. Look at Matt’s bored face!

This is the face I affix to my head on the very (very) rare occasions I want to make a man think I am interested in what he is saying.

Hmm, maybe it’s actually feminism for Nichole to be like this. Oh well no time to think about that, Matt still gave her a rose, which immediately broke and fell to his feet.

It was great.

Nichole got a rose, but did NOT get a kiss. She’s the first woman that Matt has not kissed on a single date, which earlier Vakoo predicted, saying that the pair have no chemistry, and Matt would realise Nichole doesn’t have much going on.

Because Vakoo is a great judge of character, a genius, and my future best friend.

I guess the no-kiss set Nichole on edge, because once back at the cocktail party, where they learned another single date was on offer, blonde and tanned Nichole got very upset when blonde and tanned Monique ended up receiving the card.

She’s very annoying!

NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN

Three women left tonight!

Two of them I had never seen before in my life, but sadly tattooed Jessica was also let go. I think she had potential, and Abbie and the other women all rushed to her, so I think she was popular amongst the women.

“Amongst women” is really the only place I think you should worry about being popular, but I guess that is why I am not a contestant on The Bachelor 2019.

Also probably because I wear jorts.

So that’s it, another episode down. Don’t forget to tune in (?) to the Internet next time and read Patrick’s review of tonight’s ep! I’ll see you next week, unless the world ends by then!

The Bachelor Australia plays on Channel Ten on Wednesday and Thursday Night.

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Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch