All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 4 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.

Ding dong, bitches, we’re back on this again, and the energy can be best classified as ENERGETICALLY SAD.

What is this? It’s the bachelor recapping business, and baby, it’s a dollars game. What does that mean? It means this is serious business, big money, high stakes, fame and fortune. Piles of cocaine. The most plush llamas in the galaxy. Anybody who’s anyone recaps The Bachelor, baby, and they’re lucky to do so!

I’m so exceptionally tired, this show is so long!

So, it’s hard to believe that we’re already four recaps in to The Bachelor Australia, in the sense that sometimes it’s hard to believe that this is what my Creative Writing degree has led to.

What have we learned so far? We have learned that the mansion is permeated with a dank heterosexual smog, and that it is sometimes infuriating. Nobody has been too bad yet, just regular “dinner at your parent’s friends house” levels of straight nonsense.

We have learned that The Mattchelor is a nice Adelaide boy, who’s just absolutely erect for science and meaningful connections with beautiful women. He’s probably Adelaide’s most famous export, apart from murder.

We have learned that there is a huge selection of ladies in the house, way too many for one man! Seems like a fundamental mistake with the show — it would be more efficient if there was just one or two people, and instead of all these dates, they just messaged “hey :)” to each other on an app, back and forth, until one of them dies from old age — just like god intended.

There are just too many people right now, every time I try to remember who they are, all I can see is this:

Anyway, in this new episode, there’s a bunch of things that happen, and people are extremely heterosexually annoying, so let’s rank them! Rank rank rank! Judge judge judge.

Least Annoying

Mary

What a wild turnaround. Last week, Mary was on my most annoying list, now — slightly less annoying!

What a perfect summary of meeting new people — you meet them, you think they’re super annoying, but then you wait a while and keep getting forced to watch them do stuff, and you discover they are a little less annoying. Then you get married! Then you give birth to a rescue dog.

Honestly, Mary mostly gets points for just being energetically engaged with the subject at hand. Compared to say, Nichole, who is a bleak void of wet spite, the human embodiment of the swamp that ate the horse in Neverending Story. Mary becomes a welcome contrast, with her enthused commentary and like, facial expressions. She’s very herself all the time, and as someone who keeps blacking out and losing time and finding myself standing in dark corridors, hands covered in blood, I respect this about her.

Mary’s biggest moment came during the group date this episode, which is the always cursed TV Week photoshoot, where a bevy of perfectly nice looking people get made to look absolutely insane for no good reason.

Mary, however, decided not to put up with her costume of… sad governess? and decided to open up some bloody cleavage instead.

“I would like to be Cinderella, but I don’t think they created black Cinderella yet — so I gotta do what I gotta do.”

You’re in the prestigious pages of TV Week! Get those sinful meat clouds out into the air. What a power move.

Abbie

Abbie is still delighting me — she didn’t spend this week being a cheerleader for the other girls, but she did manage to stick up for herself, which is a big mood.

“I will say whatever in order to win, trust me on this” she says, before literally promising everyone that she wouldn’t kiss The Mattchelor. Then, what does she go and do? She fucking extends her tongue all the way down to the ground and laps up that poor befuddled nerd like an anteater at a spilled-cordial party. And it’s powerful to watch. Nevertheless, she persisted… TO GET SOME.

As if you fucking wouldn’t kiss that beefy geek? That’s what this entire show is about. I didn’t come here to fuck spiders, I came here to steal the heart of the man who lives in the moon.

Anyway, they have a very hot kiss, but I know the narrative is gonna turn on Abbie.

Sogand

She is still on the least annoying because she is so beautiful? I dunno, I don’t make the rules. (I do).

Anyway, they very much pitted Sogand against Abbie this episode, with the whole split vote thing. I feel like it’s a real curse to have the early dates, because then you get made to look jealous and possessive when you watch 728 other women make out with someone who you’re just starting to forge a connection with.

Vakoo

OK, so Vakoo wore a magical dress at the cocktail party. MAGICAL!

Most Annoying

Monique

Monique got the single date this episode, and was flown around a whole bunch and sat in a car, and spent a really long time standing in a park looking lost.

She was mostly annoying because she laughed at the stuttered, aborted attempts at sentences that Matt manages to throw in her general direction as if they were proper hilarious quips. She also seemed to truly believe that The Mattchelor had even the slightest responsibility for the organising of their big aeroplane date, when it was absolutely a crack team of reality tv producers. “He’s SO thoughtful” she kept saying?

She also got very excited about a shed, which was probably kinda endearing. “We drive in front of this big shed, and I’m like, WHAT IS GOING ON?”

I guess anything could be in a shed.

Rachael

Mmm, she’s not funny anymore. She’s still got a turn of phrase to be admired, but she spent her entire time just being bitchy about other people.

Nichole

Imagine taking the largest bite of a sponge cake that you can, and you also don’t have any teeth, and you also have to say “Nicole”. That’s all.

The Mattchelor

What? Can he even do that? Can he put THE BACHELOR HIMSELF on the Most Annoying list? What a rebel, what a tastemaker, what an icon????

Just watch me.

Here’s the thing, I didn’t think we could get any hornier than the ol’ Honey Bachelor. “Hoo-roo, now that’s a lady who manages to breathe on her own, I’d love to float her out on my billabong if you get my drift” he’d say.

But The Mattchelor is SO HORNY. I didn’t sign up to see this handsome lab romeo get all flustered and stuttery and have his glasses fog up? I didn’t sign up to see him think he actually had a connection with Monique? They talked about their experience IN THE MINES, which is a very goblin topic of conversation.

Anyway. He’s annoying me. I like him being romantic, not a zesty little horn rat, a big ol’ teen boy at the lady parade.

NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN

Isabelle left! She was one of the taller blondes. She was also who I drew in the office sweep, so sucks to be me I guess.

The Bachelor Australia plays on Channel Ten on Wednesday and Thursday Night.

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Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.