All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 11 Of ‘The Bachelor’
In this episode, ghosts of Bachelor's past come and visit the mansion.
Hello, read our newest recap of The Bachelor Australia, episode 12, here!
Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.
Hello everyone, and welcome to another round of Heterosexual Bingo! I can’t wait to see who wins and who is declared “Legs Eleven!”. I may not know exactly how Bingo works. I also definitely do NOT know how heterosexuals work.
So, I’m glad you’ve joined me here again for another week, as I expertly recap the episode! A lot has happened since last week in The Bachelor and Bachelorette extended universe, with ex-contestant Georgia Love getting engaged to the man she met on her season of The Bachelorette.
I have read several posts about her engagement and yet I cannot remember her fiancés name, and I refuse to go to the effort of using a shortcut to switch tabs in order to find out. But congratulations to them both, she got a huge diamond.
I did not watch Georgia’s season, and even though it seems like she cheated somehow with her surname implying her destiny was predestination (poor Cruella De Vil), I am thrilled for her good news!
Because I am currently thrilled by the mildest hint of good news Because the world is an incessant avalanche of terrible things causing me existential crises!
I imagine everyone involved in the franchise is also absolutely OVER THE MOON with this news, because it will help them advertise that this is a valid way to find love, and also helps everyone in the country keep up the pretence that love is real, when we all know it isn’t.
Have I mentioned I recently went through a breakup!
Anyway a friend of mine texted me yesterday that her mother only just found out about the existence of The Bachelor while they were watching Media Watch and simply uttered softly “…..no…no.” So a big warm welcome to my friend’s mum, who I assume has already caught up.
Now it’s time for this week’s episode, and who knows what the heck is going to happen! I know that in keeping with the extended universe, this week’s episode features some of the other Avengers (successful couples from the show), and what a nice coincidence that is!
What advice will they have for Matt? Which one of them is The Hulk? What women doing there?
Let’s get into the episode before I lose all of my energy and will to live!
MOST ANNOYING
HETERONORMATIVE GENDER ROLES
As we knew was going to happen, some successful couples from the past came to visit the mansion, and brought with them the ghost of gender roles past.
But FIRST, all the women came out to the loungeroom to find a big present. Exciting!!
Inside that box was the thrilling present of baby shower decorations that they then had to decorate the living room with!!! Wow thanks!!!!
Me
We then went to Matt’s house where he welcomes two couples, Matty and Laura, and Wolverine and Snezana.
They all have a chat about how weird the entire situation is, and how good marriage and babies are, and babies, and how babies should babies instead of career and women babies babies.
Then the ladies go off to talk to the women and choose one of them to come back for a date. Meanwhile the men play football, just to make sure we know that even though they are talking about dating and feelings, they are NOT gay.
Not gay
Also throughout all of this, EVERYONE refers to the contestants as ‘girls’ and they do it CONSTANTLY. It is extremely annoying to me! Especially when coming from Wolverine, and I don’t know why!
Girls
The entire thing made me feel like I’d arrived at a family BBQ where the men were outside cooking steak and the women were inside, and everyone is calling my girlfriend my friend, and I didn’t feel comfortable at either location, and I hate every second of it.
Also at one point Sam said “Most guys don’t break up with 20 girls in their life, who are all friends with each other, that’s the double whammy.” WELL WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF BEING A GODDAMN LESBIAN SAM.
EMMA
Emma. Please. Your excited vibrations are going to cause an earthquake. I am sending you this message in the hopes that you will read it, and relax. Otherwise we are all in danger.
Emma started the ep by crying at the arrived of Snezana and Laura! Why!
Look her excitement and deep feelings are whatever, but I simply cannot abide that they sent Emma and Matt on yet another FOOD DATE! Last time it was chocolate cake and blindfolds and truffles and this time they went to some sort of chocolate factory where instead of Willie Wonka there was a woman named Rebecca in a hairnet.
Great name
Rebecca explained to them that they would be making aphrodisiacs, because “in chocolate we have the serotonin that’s supposed to make a passionate feeling of love.”
Ah yes, I personally love eating a yummy piece of chocolate on a Saturday night for the serotonin, so I get this! This for some reason reminds me of one of the scenes in the house where I noticed that everyone’s pupils were ginormous, as if they’d eaten several chocolates.
What came next was a solid fifteen minutes of body horror for me. They acted like it was fun and sexy, pouring out chocolate and putting it all over each other but in fact it was actually disgusting?
Disgusting
Yuck
Sorry bad
Kill me
Now
Where was Rebecca during all this? Just awkwardly standing by while these two smeared chocolate all over each other? Poor Rebecca! I mean me!
Okay so there WAS one cute moment when Emma used the heat temperature gun on Matt’s arse…
And then he seemed actually upset to find out that it was cold. It was cute, sue me!
Why me bum cold, guvnor?
But then they poured brown chocolate all over my goodwill by going and lying down together and showing me close up kissing! No! Why do you choose to inflict this upon my very eyes.
I love kissing! But I know nobody wants to see me kissing this close up, or anyone! Who is this for. Please never do this to me again, I am in a fragile state.
Anyway I fear that even though Matt explored the inside of her mouth with his tongue, I don’t think Emma is here for much longer. She is the last brunette standing, she doesn’t have a chance.
KRISTEN
When Laura and Snezana were conducting their interview with Kirsten or Kristen, she said to them that she wants her business to take off, which is teaching children another language, and that she would hope THEIR babies could learn.
It was something like that, but I can’t be sure what, because all of the blood immediately rushed to my head when she just leaned over and put her hand on both women’s stomachs seemingly without permission.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. You don’t touch! You never touch!
People having a baby in their belly does not give you permission to touch them. This is a good lesson for us all to take forward, moving forward. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk, TED stands for Touching Everyone? Don’t.
LEAST ANNOYING
ELLY AND ABBIE
I’VE PUT ABBIE AND ELLY BOTH ON THE LEAST ANNOYING LIST BECAUSE I REFUSE TO PIT THEM AGAINST EACH OTHER AND I KNOW MOST OF YOU HATE ABBIE BUT I BELIEVE I AM CORRECT ABOUT THIS AND YES SOME MIGHT CALL ME A HERO TAKING A STAND LIKE THIS AND THEY WOULD BE RIGHT.
So, basically during the rose ceremony, Osher told the women that tonight Matt wanted them to “take initiative” and he then put two date cards down.
Sogand immediately grabbed one, which the women applauded. Elly also at some point grabbed one, and then Abbie talked her into giving it to Abbie. What this was meant to show is that Abbie is evil and manipulative and poor human-puppy Elly was bamboozled.
And most people agreed that’s what happened.
Yes, Abbie is very competitive, there’s no denying that! And she wants to stay on this REALITY DATING COMPETITION show. They are all COMPETING in this COMPETITION, and I do think she likes and connects with Matt just as much anyone else.
So she talked Elly into giving her the date card! That is true. But it is ALSO true that Elly has had more dates with Matt! It is also true that Elly is a beautiful angel gift from heaven, and willingly offered it over.
Elly regretting it is understandable, and as someone who apologises if someone walks into ME, I get that instinct in not putting yourself first, and Abbie definitely took advantage of that. Which is smart.
ALSO the entire night was about showing initiative, and those such as Emma and Sogand, who were mad at Abbie after getting the card, told Elly that she has to be more selfish in order to get time with Matt.
But by that logic, Abbie should also be selfish! And she did and it worked. I think it’s fine. I did however find Elly’s face when Abbie came back mainly talking about the cheese board very very funny.
Obviously Abbie is not going to win this, but so far I think she has been great for the show, has been smart and funny and charming, hasn’t done anything too egregious, and I hope enjoys whatever tv or radio job she is going to get after this.
And while I don’t think Elly will win either, I hope she enjoys being made Australia’s newest saint and being adored by the entire country forever. If she needs someone to give her a big cuddle and pet her head and whisper compliments to her, send her my way.
LAURA AND SNEZANA
I didn’t watch the seasons featuring these women, but within a few short moments I became fully invested in their lives and happiness. Snezana is pregnant and absolutely stunning and wearing leopard print, what an absolute icon.
I just also really liked the points they both made!
They seemed nice and gave good advice. They liked that Emma was older, but also wondered if she is just in love with love and not Matt (yes). They also pointed out to Helena that things can be different after the show, and that Matt doesn’t come with the chopper.
None of this is funny, I just genuinely liked them and would love if they could come do some life coaching for me.
Also Matty was very sweet and did cute suspicious faces while considering if Helena was the real deal.
See I don’t hate men!
NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN
SOGAND
Oh beautiful Sogand, what a shame!!
Unfortunately it all started going downhill when she let Abbie start taking up free real estate in her brain. I think Sogand probably rules in real life, she just succumbed to how hard and weird this entire setup is. I hope she finds a lovely man soon who will also gain approval from her gay best friend.
So that’s it for yet another week – we are really getting down to the (blonde and white) wire now! Matt’s going to have to start making some tough decisions, and we are going to say tough goodbyes to people we love, for reasons that are completely out of our control.
Just like real life I guess!! Nothing matters, goodbye!!!!!!!
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch