All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 12 Of ‘The Bachelor’
This episode is full of cursed portraits!
Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.
Well hello, looks like we’re back for another pass at the greatest show on earth, in the sense that much like The Greatest Show On Earth, I wish I hadn’t watched it? I dunno. Sometimes I worry that my hatred of the circus is deeply classist.
Last episode, the mansion was haunted by the ghosts of Bachelors past, and their beautiful pregnant wives, who came to dispense wisdom about this cursed dating show. It was actually an interesting experience — here’s two people whose strange reality tv dream worked, they have done the marriage and become impregnated with precious bellies full of squirming bachelor babies, just like everyone WANTS.
It makes the stakes a bit higher, and realer, plumper.
Inspirational.
“bebes”
My wonderful co-recapper Rebecca Shaw, who I once genuinely referred to as “the queen of lesbos” and the person I was talking to immediately realised it was Bec I was referencing, really got lumped with all the hetero nonsense last episode, as it was massively baby focused. This week, I just get the bachy boy back to his horny little regular self.
Six blonde women and Emma remain! Or around that number. Who can even tell. And as the old saying goes, when there’s only six blonde women (and emma) to choose from, things get tense. And everything is super tense between Elly and Abbie, and it’s pretty frustrating. Why can’t we all just get along?
But actually, what we have here is a fundamental difference in philosophy. Abbie, for example, loves to lie. Elly, for example, loves to be a big narc. Two different philosophies, both equally steeped in a grand tradition. Who can say who’s wrong? I could, but I also can’t be bothered.
I’m bored.
the most i laughed in this episode was when they accidentally made it look like the product placement car could talk, and was also super horny
Honestly, almost everybody annoys me now on this show now. I really only stan Osher, and we don’t get to see him much. I’d love to see a spin-off show, called The Wild Adventures Of Osher, and it’s mostly him trying to set up the elaborate dates at the last minute, screaming down the phone “we need more peonies!!!!”, but also trying to raise his new child, and fight off paparazzi with one of those old timey flick knives.
im a good boy
So anyway, let’s bloody recap.
Least Annoying
Helena
Alright, I’m sorry.
Helena was absolutely invited on a hell date, straight out of a 25 year old’s worst nightmare.
Basically, she was marched onto a paddock somewhere, and then given an actual timeline of the next ten years, where she was meant to plot out the next decade of her life with Matt, including marriage, babies, and probably some kind of Bachy reunion show.
“I wanna do something normal that all couples who have been on two-three dates do”
“what is the australian version of 911 again?????”
Naturally, she panicked, and had to go and have an awkward producer mutter half-hearted comforts to her. “Aww, that’s all right… babe.”
whenever i freak out, i love it when my friends question why incessantly
When I was 25, I didn’t even know how I could afford my next box of gross wine, let alone who i would let impregnate my bony body with a real life baby? I found her very relatable, and therefore not annoying.
Anyway, she made up for the panic attack by getting into a bath with Matt, where he could forget about the future for a while and just be horny. Also, he somehow summoned the moon, and that was powerful.
“one day we’ll live up there, and we’ll be the loneliest, floatiest, horniest people in the universe”
But we can be pretty sure the narrative has been created for Helena now — too young for immediate babies, and Mattchelor is horny and impatient. She will probably leave soon.
Abbie
I’m sorry, but even though she’s been given a full villain rewrite, I can’t help but stan! I simply must!
Everyone else is being such poopy little babies, and she’s just out there making it happen. Fuck everyone. Sure, she doesn’t really give a fuck about anyone else, and sure, she’s duplicitous, but honestly i’m SO SICK of this extended drama of manners. It’s a game for somebody’s heart, and she’s playing to win.
So, because of all that, I find myself taking her side.
Now, on the group date, all the blonde ladies and emma were taken to a place where you can drink wine and paint, and a fabulous drag queen would make snide comments about you, but also build your confidence up.
It’s extremely queer culture to be roasted by someone who is also somehow re-affirming you, and I love it.
FINALLY SOMEONE I CAN LOVE FULLY (genuinely sighed a breath of relief upon seeing her, but i missed her name!!!!)
But anyway, Abbie painted the world’s most TERRIFYING self portrait, and it fills me with dread and adoration. I simply MUST stan.
The brief was to paint a self portrait of your inner drag queen, so sure. But you have to see everybody elses first.
cool, good effort, follows the brief
i mean, this is probably art, but i dont think elly knows what a drag queen is
literally just you, this is a mirror
not. a. drag. queen.
more Bratz Doll than drag, but some bold colours at least
honestly yes, this is drag. rainbow hair? big sparkle eyes? some contouring? yassssssss
i genuinely screamed when this was unveiled.
“aaaaaaaargh”
but honestly, the fact that it is TERRIFYING makes it the most drag — this is camp, this is queer. Your inner queen should be terrifying. Somebody alert the MET gala.
Abbie’s earlier work!!!!
Chelsie
Chelsie got super triggered by her own self portrait, and it’s all because of her absolute douche ex boyfriend.
queer culture is hitting your angles for the camera while you’re comforting some random blonde straight girl.
I know this isn’t on her, but everybody should stop dating straight men! it will be like a strike. Don’t cross the line!
Anyway, she’s probably gonna win.
Most Annoying
Emma
She spends her entire time whispering things about other people. Also, she’s not blonde, so she is gonna get kicked out.
Also, she’s just TOO INTO MATT. She got horny over his weird drag self portrait, and honestly, it was desperate.
“I WANNA FUCK”
Elly
Elly, what happened to you? You used to be so nice, and now you’re tattling?
Honestly, I blame Emma as much as I do her, for putting unsavoury ideas in her head. But I also genuinely think this was a bad move on her behalf, and will probs lead to her losing. Nothing gets in the way of Matts huge horny boner like draaaaaaaama.
less
of these shots
and more of these pls
“She does not give a shit about girl code” says Elly about Abbie. I hate how the narrative is always pitting two women against each other.
Surely every single woman in the mansion should simply rise up and simply eat Matt’s body for power and energy?
Never To Annoy Or Not Annoy Again
Kristen/ Kirsten got voted out!
“it’s pronounced “kransky”‘
I genuinely believe she was going to get voted out eventually, but I was surprised that Emma lasted longer. I feel like Kristen/Kirsten started off extremely strong with the comedic potential of her strange China obsession, and then mostly just loitered.
She had mud smeared all over her, and she kayaked, but mostly she didn’t do much.
She also said that she’d never seen a drag queen before, and that’s erasure honey.
Byeeeeeeee.
Anyway — they’ve kept Abbie and Elly in for another week at least so they can draw out this stupid drama, so tune in next week for the most heterosexual nonsense possible — women fighting over a man.
Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.