The ‘Married At First Sight’ Finale Dinner Party Was All About REVENGE
The Boy High couldn't last forever.
When Married At First Sight started, in the year that you were born, it was basically just a countdown to the finale. If the beginning of this show — or The Experiment — was about optimism and hope, then the end is about bitterness, regret and revenge. Or at least, that’s what Channel Nine had promised!
Haha, I’m so glad this thing is almost over, I wish to skull a whiskey in a pint of beer now thank you.
“I love the experiment.”
All the contestants are being rounded up for one last dinner party, traditionally the time in which they all get drunk and start taking their past relationship issues out on each other. This is exciting for many reasons, one of which is that 99 percent of the people who are attending the dinner party are worried about seeing Cheryl.
Not Andrew though — he’s worried about seeing both Cheryl and his runaway bride, Lauren! It turns out, with very good reason.
“Ima kill you.”
The experts are so excited. This is like Christmas for them. “It’s a great opportunity for those people who didn’t make it past the first few weeks, the ones who Failed The Experiment and will never find happiness in a monogamous relationship,” explains John Aiken. “For some it’s going to be a lovely catch up, for others it’ll be awkward and probably quite stressful!” says Dr. Trisha, salivating at the prospect.
(If it’s awkward and stressful it’s not the expert’s fault; these people failed The Experiment okay.)
“Once again, I’d just like to congratulate the team on matching up these difficult cases so spectacularly, we really did a great job, fam.”
Andrew turns up and he is apprehensive. He is most apprehensive to see Jonathan (who was originally married to Cheryl) which tells you everything that you need to know about Andrew. You cannot steal another man’s missus. That is the worst thing you could do! They hug twice, because if Andrew believes in anything, it is the Business of Boys.
“Jonathan and I are just drawn to each other like magnets,” Andrew says. “Jonesy is a good dude,” says Jonathan. They immediately start sledging Cheryl and Cheryl’s dad. “It’s almost like the people who have been through the hardest experiment are clinging together,” says Andrew. You know how Andrew and Jonathan have had the hardest time out of anyone on this show? Man! I feel sorry for these blokes, I tell ya.
The Boys Are Back In Town.
Andrew gets lightheaded from the Boy High.
Contestants who dropped out early keep filing in. Hey, remember John and Deb!
“John will feel nervous seeing Deb for the first time, given his continued failure to be a Polynesian man,” explains John Aiken. John certainly failed at that, that’s for sure.
Update: John is still not a Polynesian man.
Sean and Susan remind everyone that they are in love. They just kiss so much. Sean bought Susan an eternity ring and Susan is telling everyone that they’re going on an overseas trip with his kids soon. Seems like their break-up is going really well.
Sharon and Nick come in, the first couple to survive, and John Aiken is smug as hell. “They are making a STATEMENT, ‘We are together and we look fabulous’,” says John Aiken and the other experts agree. They continue to smile smugly at each other for several minutes.
“Guys, once again we have done a magnificent job.”
“We are the puppet masters, what a rush John, can’t believe these two really good looking people are still making out, how good is The Experiment.”
Scarlett, an “aspiring author” who left the competition very early on (to continue aspiring?) is exhibiting some very, ah, interesting behaviour. She seems to be wanting to make someone, or several people, jealous. I guess? Whatever, at one point she says to Andrew — a man who she does not know — “I WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT YOU, I WOULD HAVE STAYED”. “Thanks Charlotte,” Andrew says and holds her hand. Then they joke about Scarlett being stuck up a tree and Andrew looking up her dress, it’s good stuff.
The judges hate this behaviour. “She does that, that’s how she relates to men,” says Dr Trisha, which is an extremely shady and exciting thing for Dr. Trisha to say.
no.
Cheryl arrives! Jonathan says, “This is going to be a fucking crack up, where’s Jonesy?” Jonathan then says “We should have planned it like me on one side and Jonesy on the other side, like ‘Hey what’s up girl, how’s it kicking?’”. Jonathan is the kind of person who puts on an American accent to try to make the things he’s saying more interesting.
Cheryl does not hug or kiss Jonathan, a tiny act of rebellion which Jonathan references for the rest of the night. Andrew and Scarlett (who would NEVER LEAVE ANDREW) ignore Cheryl, but pretend to each other that Cheryl ignored them. “I just don’t want to be fake,” says Cheryl, blankly.
“She is taking a STAND,” the experts say in glee. The experts are team Cheryl.
Jonathan doesn’t care, okay.
(Cheryl genuinely doesn’t care.)
slay, etc.
Alene and Simon are in love. “What a meeting together of different cultures!” says John Aiken.
The runaway bride, Lauren, turns up to much fanfare. “I’m going to be the first to say hello to you!!” says Cheryl, running up to Lauren and hugging her.
“These are two formidable women,” says John Aiken in admiration. The women have a long hug and laugh the laugh of two women surrounded by enemies, with nothing to lose and everything to gain. It’s a long laugh.
fuck ’em up.
“uh oh.”
Jonathan — who doesn’t give a shit, not at all — tells a fifth person that Cheryl didn’t hug him hello. “Did you call her ‘Whoppers’?” says Andrew. “No?” says Jonathan. The men laugh at Cheryl’s boobs. Cheryl cannot laugh at their boobs, for they have none. They are safe.
Meanwhile on the other side of the room, Cheryl tells Lauren: “I wish I ran away too, babe”. Lauren asks Cheryl to point out her original husband. “The little one in the middle,” says Cheryl. Lauren is amused.
Nadia comes in by herself! “WHAT DOES THIS MEAN” the experts say to each other. “Where the fuck’s Anthony,” slurs Nick. Nadia explains to the women that as soon as the cameras stopped rolling, Anthony “dropped me like a hotcake”. One day after telling her to move to Sydney, he said “my feelings haven’t grown for you”.
Nadia is furious. Nadia cannot believe that Anthony would treat another human being this way. Nadia is flabbergasted that he claims to be a genuine person. Nadia has never looked more happy and radiant.
“Nadia is obviously experiencing a lot of pain right now.”
Even though Nadia is very disgruntled at the way she has been treated, she has never seemed more free and alive. Michelle says she would have loved to have gotten ready with a partner tonight, to which Nadia replies: “I was happy being on my own”.
Lauren and Cheryl, who are taking names and airing receipts tonight, start talking about Anthony. “He has so much to say but doesn’t show up, hmm,” says Cheryl. “Obviously he doesn’t have the balls,” says Lauren. Then Anthony turns up because, like Bloody Mary or Voldemort, if you say his name enough times he just materialises. “I’m not hungry anymore,” Nadia says.
“Anthony! I forgot you were at the table, usually you’re so loud,” says Cheryl, who seems to be working through some sort of revenge list, Kill Bill-style. “Oh, I just got here Cheryl,” Anthony says, kind of limply. The power dynamic has shifted. Something is happening.
The pass agg faces the women are making in this episode deserves every Gold Logie.
“Nadia was really happy that I spoke to her tonight.”
“Love you Nadia,” says Lauren, across the table. “Love you too darling,” Nadia replies. “I love you more,” says Cheryl. Aw hell yeah, this is the best GHD-using, revenge-seeking girl gang ever.
Anthony asks if he can sit next to Nadia and the girl gang continues to make faces at each other. Even the experts are like “ooft”. “Look at him trying to fucking save face,” says Lauren. Anthony says “Hey, sorry it didn’t work out!!” to Nadia and she thinks that he is “inauthentic”. She believes he is only acting this way because he is being filmed and wants to appear “admirable”. Then in earshot, immediately after this conversation, Anthony explains to someone else that he was relieved for the relationship to be over and that he “didn’t fall in love”. Nadia is so happy about this.
“NADIA IS FINDING THIS VERY HARD” says Dr Trisha. “Terrible, terrible,” says John Aiken. They are flabbergasted and think that it is terrible!!!
“I will ruin you.”
“Nadia is fine with it, so glad that Nadia is fine with it.”
Cheryl, working down her list, decides to confront Scarlett on account of Scarlett texting Cheryl’s husband so much. Cheryl does not want to solve anything and has the express purpose of fighting. “It’s not a forgiving circumstance, because I don’t forgive her,” she says. “Hell yeah,” say the experts, pinning ‘TEAM CHERYL’ badges on their cashmere blazers.
Cheryl and Scarlett call each other “darling”, “baby” and “sweetie” a lot, which are the worst words you can possibly call another woman. Cheryl accidentally calls Jonathan “Jordo” because that’s how little she cares about this man who she is fighting with Scarlett about. Scarlett thinks the conversation is stupid because neither of them care about this man. Cheryl thinks it’s not stupid because she gave the competition her all and Scarlett was manipulative.
Scarlett says, “You’re the fakest girl I’ve ever met”. “The only thing fake about me is my boobs and maybe some of my lips,” says Cheryl. So there you go.
“Sweetie baby darling, can you not, thanks cookie angel princess.”
Almost 100 percent real.
Scarlett walks back in the room and says that Cheryl is a “psycho” who called her a bitch and accused her of stealing Jonathan — two things that Cheryl certainly did not do. For the 15th or 16th time that night, Jonathan says: “I just don’t give a shit”. Never has someone given MORE of a shit than Jonathan gives in this moment.
“She called you Jordo.”
“I just do not give a shit, let’s all talk about how little of a shit I give, where is Cheryl I need to tell her I don’t give a shit, please.”
And so the night is over, with everyone airing their grievances and adequately — oh no wait, Lauren is having a go at Andrew now. “Bring Cheryl over, we’ll have heaps to talk about,” says Andrew. “Shut up,” Lauren says.
Andrew can’t bloody believe it! This isn’t how the the dinner parties usually go!
“Why is everyone being so mean to Jonesy.”
“Guess what? Your joker cards are all fucking gone,” says Lauren.
“I think she is confused, I am Jonesy.”
“You know what? You’re a cocky little prick,” says Lauren.
“lol.”
Andrew turns in shock to the person next to him, looking for support. Unfortunately, the person next to him is Nadia. “HAHA, I LOVE YOU LAUREN!!” says Nadia. The girl gang has resourced well. The experts like that Lauren “makes Andrew accountable” which is code for “calls him a prick to his face”.
Ah, what a time. Can’t wait for Cheryl and the gang to be confronted with Andrew’s “Boy’s Night” video tonight!
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Read our last Married at First Sight recap here.