Last Night On ‘Married At First Sight’, Nothing Went The Way We Wanted

During the last days before the fall of the Roman Empire, morale was low, nothing felt secure and traditional societal norms appeared to be rotting away. What can you count on when everything you knew to be true and normal is suddenly destroyed?

Whatever, what I’m trying to say is that last night’s Married at First Sight was terrible and it didn’t make any fucking sense. Urgh.

Getting my cowboy on! Getting ready to talk live with Sean on @marriedau Facebook page. Tune in now for all the goss. #9married pic.twitter.com/RJfNbyesTY

— john aiken (@johnaikenlive) March 26, 2017

NOT THE TIME, JOHN AIKEN.

Last night was one of the final times that the couples on Married would have the opportunity to reject each other on national television. The “renewal ceremonies” are where these strangers decide if their bonds are strong enough that they would want to hang out in situations when they are not being (knowingly) filmed.

Expert Mel reckons that it’s good that the couples spend time apart before this because it means they can’t influence each other’s decision to stay together or not. That would be truly terrible, better to make this decision in isolation, hey!! Sometimes I wonder if Mel believes the truly bonkers things they make her say on this show.

Horseman Sean is home. He says he doesn’t want to be away from Susan. He stares at a gold piece of plastic that says “Sean & Susan”. I wonder where he has gotten this piece of plastic from.

Sean is very confident that he wants to stay with Susan, despite the fact that the onus is entirely on Susan to adjust her living situation. “Of course I’m lonely sometimes,” says Sean, sitting on a horse. “Heeyyyy,” thinks the horse, hurt by this dismissal of his horse feelings. Sean, as we know, is a horseman.

Then Sean leans down to the horse and says: “Susan should come home, hey?” (I’m not kidding, he actually did this). The horse doesn’t respond, either because he’s mad at Sean and is not talking to him, or because this particular horse does not speak English.

Expert Mel explains that this is the “biggest week” of Susan’s life, something I truly do not believe. Apparently a large chunk of the biggest week of Susan’s life is spent watching an episode of Married at First Sight on her laptop.

Hey, how are Nadia and Anthony doing! Nadia thinks that they both have to be “real about what we’re feeling”. She explains — in the spirit of being real — that things between them were super bad, until Anthony filled the apartment with balloons for Nadia’s birthday.

When someone buys balloons, it automatically negates all of their previous bad behaviours. I can’t see how this isn’t true, let’s move on.

Nadia says that despite Anthony’s very controlling behaviour, she likes that he “allows me to look after him”. She says that it is “nice to feel feminine”. Okay! Anthony, meanwhile, is hanging out with his friend Hugh in a cake shop. He says that he can’t foresee there being an huge issue with making Nadia move to Sydney, where he lives.

Hugh agrees — it’s the “best city in the world” after all! They both decide that it would be a good move for her career.

However, Nadia’s friends aren’t so easily persuaded. “Do you think that Anthony is trying to mould you into something that you’re not?” says an inquisitive woman called Ella. Nadia does not really answer this question. “I just want him to be authentic,” she says. Ella agrees that being authentic is a good thing to be. “I don’t doubt that he’s genuine, but I am doubting it,” continues Nadia. Ella nods her head in silence, clearly unsure if Nadia is just deeply confused or is trying out some beat poetry for a captive audience.

It is very, very clear that this show is trying to convey that sticking with Anthony is certainly not in Nadia’s best interests. Hoooo boy, no! Nadia is extremely stressed about the upcoming renewal ceremony. She says that last night, she had the weirdest dreams. “I had the weirdest dreams!” she said.

Nadia then explains the dream, something that it turns out is also dull to listen to when it’s happening on television. Basically, Nadia says that the dream was about a black snake murdering her dog. The producers zoom in on a photo of Anthony and Nadia together. The producers think that Anthony is the black snake. Maybe that makes us Nadia’s dog.

Relax, though! Anthony says that he has treated her well. He says that she’s “intelligent enough” to remember only the good times, and not the times that he said Nadia was frigid and stuff. To remind her that she should be intelligent enough to think of the good times, he sends her flowers. “Nadia puts me first. She makes me king,” Anthony says. Alright. He spends the rest of the episode staring intently at things in a chilly silence.

First he stares at Sydney.

Then he stares at himself in the mirror.

Dr Trisha reckons this is “the hardest decision our couples have ever made”. It’s something she seems to say weekly. On the day of the renewal ceremony, Nadia is telling her friends that after her and Anthony’s last date, she felt a strong urge to “pack her bags and run away”. Hm.

She then panics and starts to cry. Her friend whispers comforting things to her. Things seem good, nothing to see here.

In other news, Dr Trisha got a haircut. Good haircut, imo.

Okay, so Sean’s dad says that Sean and Susan are a perfect couple, which should have been our first warning sign. “I could tell Sean was nervous,” he tells the producers. “Are you nervous?” he asks Sean. Sean says that he is.

Meanwhile while Susan is getting ready, the show plays some of the most dire and depressing music I have literally every heard in my life. Remember when the musicians in Titanic decide to stay on deck and play, knowing they were going to terribly drown in the next five to ten minutes? That was the kind of music they played while Susan was getting ready. I may sue.

Anyway! Nadia stops crying and gets in the car. “This is a huge decision and I am torn,” she says. John Aiken explains that the reason this is a hard decision for Nadia, is because Anthony is a “dominant alpha male” which is an extremely polite thing to say!!

“Did you miss me? I missed you,” says Anthony.

“Thanks,” says Nadia.

Nadia makes a bunch of pass agg faces while Anthony is talking about how strong their bond is. He says that the “burden of a long-distance relationship is not something that I look forward to” but also says that she makes him want to be a “better man”. When he moves hair away from her face, she flinches.

I honest to God have never encountered two people who seem to like each other less than Nadia and Anthony, but okay let’s keep going with this.

Nadia says that initially Anthony “expected me to more passive than I actually am” and made her feel that her opinions don’t matter. “In the end,” she says, sighing deeply. “The good outweighs the bad.”

Well! That’s that! “It was really good when Nadia said that the good outweighs the bad,” says Anthony. I bet it was, champ.

Perhaps the only thing worse than Nadia and Anthony staying together was Susan and Sean breaking up. “It was so hard,” says Sean, discussing their week apart. “Was it?” says Susan. Uh oh. Sean says he wonders what she was doing while he was feeding the horses. “I was walking on the beach,” Susan says. Uh oh.

Sean tells Susan that she is his perfect match and has changed his life. She is thrilled! Susan says that she “completely” loves him. He makes her feel alive! But then she says that she has “to be truly honest with [herself]” and that leaving her home and being isolated at the farm isn’t an attractive prospect for her.

“I’ve decided that I can’t be in a relationship with you. And I hope we can be the best of friends,” Susan says. It’s terrible.

They both say that they love each other and Sean says that he understands completely. Susan is not a horsewoman. He knew this from the start. They hug and kiss and Susan walks away. Sean and Susan’s break-up is more romantic than Anthony and Nadia’s entire relationship.

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Read our last Married at First Sight recap here.