Culture

A Parenting Advice Column Specifically For Grimes And Elon Musk

Remember, it's totally normal if your child screeches in binary and also inherits several billion dollars.

by Fraser Harvey  25 February 2020
Grimes and Elon Musk baby

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Grimes and Elon! You’ve taken the first step to having a child — having a baby.

That is the order in which it happens, and you’re on your way to being the proud parents to something like a baby! Congratulations!

Now look, we’ve never actually met but I definitely know about parenting, and I’m thrilled you’re finally delivering an heir to your Manic Pixie Battery Empire. You probably thought the hard part is over though, and you’d be right. It is. Fitting sex into a busy production and tour schedule would be difficult, I imagine.

The world of prams, nappies & dummies can be daunting — but luckily I’m here to gently guide you down the river like Grimes careening a houseboat down the Mississippi.

So, let’s do some parenting advice!

Home Birth Vs. Hospital?

One of the most important questions you’re going to face is where you’d like to be when the time comes to pop little Grelon (working title?) out.

An essential element often overlooked when birthing a child is the aesthetic choices you make to welcome your baby to the world, which can really only be controlled in the home environment.

This is going to have the second biggest impact on your baby’s initial development, right behind any AI alterations you may have booked in for it already, so create a mystical soundtrack full of bleeps and blops, perhaps coupled with scrapbooks you’ve each made with some photos of yourselves, and a long list of demands you expect your baby to adhere to.

“We Need To Get Back To Basics With Parenting”

This is a helpful line you might want to use should you ever be accused of ‘underparenting’, or ‘forgetting you have a child’. Easy to do!

Can I Immunise My Child By Spinning A Crystal Counter-Clockwise Over Its Head?

Yes. I’ve just gone online, and it turns out there’s a bunch of compelling literature around this.

I’m frankly alarmed by modern medicine, and so should you be. As a power couple, you know better than any leading health professional.

Really, the only threat to your child is if it goes into a cave for whatever reason, let’s say a soccer team building exercise, and some slimy pervert rescue team member tries to go in and help when they become perilously lost.

This Baby Won’t Shut Up, How Do I Get It To Sleep?

This is why you recorded that song, Elon. It’s your time to shine!

You Can Buy A College Degree Online, So Should You Bother With School?

Now if you’ll allow me, I’m going to make this decision for you; Home School.

You don’t want your kid turning out as some weird little isolated nerd with social issues, so this is your only option. Develop a daily lesson plan tailored to your wants, and by that I mean, get this
kid into the workforce immediately. You’ve got factories, and we both know many tiny hands make light work.

It’s also important for any child to develop extra-curricular activities. Luckily yours will be working far too hard in the factory stitching Cyber Truck upholstery or serving as a laptop
stand for Grimes whilst playing live, so this too won’t be necessary.

Azealia Banks Has Been Wandering Aimlessly Through Your Mansion. Are You Aware of This?

I installed a camera surveillance system in Musk Manor to aggressively follow up on my suggestions and also keep tabs, and it looks like Azealia Banks has just made a sandwich and is taking it to the rumpus room to watch Arrival (2016). Can I leave that with you???

Do Children Really Require Food?

I really can’t overstate just how important nutrition is for any growing child, and that means one thing; getting someone to feed them occasionally.

And alongside nutrition sits a good home environment. Now you’ve got two options here; free range or battery. We all know the advantages or keeping your child locked in a cage, they’ll never get taken by a fox, or worse; be able to access articles about you both online (must be avoided at all costs) but most importantly, allows you to control their consumption — but these days parents seem to opt more and more for the natural approach, or “non-caged” children.

I can’t help but disagree until we can be absolutely certain that the research is in and conclusive, so I’m gonna say just buy a cage anyway, and if you decide it’s not for you, you could get some chickens I guess, but frankly that seems like more effort than raising children.

So there it is, I’ve passed on everything I could possibly assume would be involved in parenting. Some say misguided intent is the greatest gift you can ever pass on to anyone.

Fraser Harvey is a musician and writer who has accidentally appeared in the Guardian over a dispute, and will be performing his show Rockin’ the Boat with Rick Sextant at the Adelaide Fringe and Melbourne International Comedy Festival.