The 2021 Goop Gift Guide Is Finally Here And Yes, That’s A $50,200 Kid’s Play Set

The most wonderful time of the year is finally upon us. And no, I don’t mean Michael Bublé and Mariah Carey starting to defrost in time for Christmas. I’m talking about Goop finally releasing their bonkers gift guides ahead of the festive season.

If you’ve somehow managed to avoid it (lucky you), Goop is Gwenyth Paltrow’s wellness and lifestyle brand that has dished out some truly absurd advice and promoted a number of downright baffling products over the years.

For example, last year Goop was flinging ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’ candles for $75 USD, and before that the site was suggesting people with vaginas should shove rose quartz and jade up their coochie to ~strengthen feminine energies ~. Basically, the whole thing is a mess.

So really it’s no surprise that Goop’s much-anticipated Gift Guide for 2021 is filled with some equally deranged items.

the thing about the goop gift guide is that it doesn't disappoint pic.twitter.com/NIZz9Y9FHy

— Who? Weekly (@whoweekly) November 2, 2021

Broken down into ten different gift guide categories — including Under-$100, The Lover’s, The Wellness, The Host’s, The Forward-To-Your-SO, The Kid’s, The Cook’s, The Men’s, The Traveller’s and The Ridiculous But Awesome — the items range in price from $16 to a whopping $50,700.

Naturally, the most exciting guide is the self-titled ‘Ridiculous But Awesome’ that features the item that’s on everyone’s wishlist: A casual $14,100 Chanel Sled.

Oh, that wasn’t what you were looking for? My mistake. You must’ve been searching for Circu’s ‘Bubble Gum Gym with gold-plated details and lacquered wood’. It’s only a cool $50,200.

No? Sorry. You must’ve had your eyes on the rose quartz checkers set that’s a real steal at $2,500? Damn, still too much?

Well if overpriced sleds and pastel play gyms aren’t your vibe, you obviously want something cheaper like the Oishii Omakase strawberries, right? The ones that Goop describes as berries that are “a first-of-its-kind [because they are] vertical farm tended by bees and AI robots”? Just $67 for 11 bites! What a steal!

Or may I interest you in the sleek, matte grey ‘Luxee Garden Hose Kit’? It’s only $414 and it wraps up with a little handle that makes it look like a bag. A real two-for-one deal!

If that’s still breaking the bank, there’s always the $101 ‘This Smells Like My Orgasm’ candle in case you missed out on 2020’s vagina version.

But the Goop Gift Guides don’t just cover products either.

If you prefer experiences over material things, an easy $10,800 will get you a surf lesson on artificial waves at the Kelly Slater Wave Co. And while you’d assume 10 grand would mean Kelly Slater himself would be teaching you to ride a wave, you’d be sorely mistaken. It’s just you, a random instructor, and some fake waves in a pool for an hour.

Of course, there are also more classic, sensible items that the Goop team suggests you can buy for a loved one — or yourself — this Christmas.

For example, there are $18 leopard-print rolling papers, a $32 “plant-based sex serum”, $37 deodorant, and $54 socks on offer, too. But honestly, where’s the fun in that?

Now if you see me walking around with my Goop-recommended $11,200 carry-on suitcase this Christmas, please mind your business.

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All prices listed in AUD unless otherwise stated. If you have a couple of grand to blow, you can shop the 2021 Goop Holiday Guides here.