Gwyneth Paltrow Is Selling A Vagina Scented Candle, And The Entire World Is Baffled
Everyone is scared of The Cooch Candle.
In what is likely the Goopiest Goop product ever launched, Gwyneth Paltrow has started selling candles that smell like her vagina.
The ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’ candle retails for $75 USD and has already sold out on Goop. Described as “a funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected scent”, the candle was created by Heretic Parfum, a company focused on products made of totally natural materials.
While it’s hard to guess what exactly Ms Paltrow’s vagina actually smells like, Goop has likened the smell to “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed.”
Goop’s suggested that you should start burning The Gwyneth™️ when you want to be put into a “mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth.” Because there’s nothing that quite gets you in the mood like burning a candle that smells like a random woman’s vagina.
Understandably, the internet were horrified by, not only the creation of the candle, but by the fact that it actually sold out. Meaning real people spent their hard-earned money to purchase the coochie candle.
i cannot believe
I CANNOT BELIEVE
I C A N N O T B E L I E V E
that some of you out there spent $75 on a fucking candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina
this goddamn candle IS SOLD OUT
all of you need a time out
you're all fired
TIME FOR JAIL
— Elizabeth May (@_ElizabethMay) January 11, 2020
Fifty seven pound for a candle that smells like someone’s vagina.
You can smell mine for a fiver.
— Sheena (@sarky_sheena) January 11, 2020
I’m just gonna say it:
If you have $75 to spend on a fucking candle that smells like a vagina, you should definitely sit down and stfu the next time you feel like saying “I’m not gonna pay for anyone’s healthcare”.
— Ida Skibenes ❄️ (@ida_skibenes) January 12, 2020
The candle apparently started as a joke between Gwyneth and a Heretic perfumer, according to People. While collaborating on a perfume, the Goop founder exclaimed: “Uhhh..this smells like a vagina.” So the vagina-like scent was turned into a candle, which sold out during a trial at the In Goop Health summit. And the rest is, unfortunately, history.
While the notes of the candle were listed on the website, people online started speculating over what the ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’ really smelled like.
Gwyneth Paltrow came out with a $75 candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina.”
So what do you guys think it smells like? I’m going with kale and turtle water. 👌🏻
— Mindy Robinson 🇺🇸 (@iheartmindy) January 12, 2020
Loving my new Gwyneth Paltrow vagina scented candle. pic.twitter.com/bo3FBWVHtT
— JMS (@JMScomedy) January 12, 2020
The smell of you goop vagina candle is your favorite flower and fruit juxtaposed with notes of your favorite tree reminiscent of something you think is sexy.
Rose and blueberry juxtaposed with notes of birch reminiscent of appropriate confidence
— Jennifer Gunter (@DrJenGunter) January 12, 2020
Beyond the predictions, most people were just really, really confused by the need for any candle that smells like a body part in 2020. But Gwyneth is no stranger to vagina-related content, so it’s not really all that surprising.
In 2018, Goop was fined $145,000 USD for their unverified marketing claims that vaginal jade eggs had magical, healing properties. Just last week alone, Gwyneth was dragged online for her new Netflix show, The Goop Lab with Gwyneth Paltrow, and it’s extremely vaginal-looking promo material.
But like with most Goop-related and Gwyneth Paltrow content, there isn’t much else to do in situations like this but make jokes and laugh, which is exactly what people did.
1970 Me: Gosh, I can't even imagine the wonders we'll have 50 years in the future! Flying cars? Moon Colonies? Nanotech immortality? Supercomputers that are actually phones we carry in our pockets?
2020: Gwyneth Paltrow invents the vagina candle.
And on that note: good night.
— Stonekettle (@Stonekettle) January 13, 2020
There's nothing like waking up on a #SaturdayMorning to the smell of bacon, coffee, and a vagina candle.
— A.G. Willliam Barr (@AGWillliamBarr) January 11, 2020
That Gwyneth Paltrow vagina scented candle is gonna be great for cheating men. "Nobody was here, baby. I'm burning a Gwyneth."
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) January 12, 2020
The soft warm glow of a vagina candle makes the perfect centerpiece for any dining room table.
— Kerry on Wayward Son (@EmissaryKerry) January 12, 2020
We have a president so stupid that Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina candle isn’t the dumbest thing in the news. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your day.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 12, 2020
However, if your vagina, like Gwyneth’s, happens to smell like citrus, seeds, and trees… maybe take a visit to your local GP.