Cocaine Bear Crashed The Oscars

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As the old filmmaking adage goes: never work with children, or animals on cocaine!

But that didn’t stop the hairy antagonist of Cocaine Bear. Despite not being up for an Oscar this year (it’s a cruel world) CB felt the need to crash the 2023 Academy Awards ceremony, appearing in a skit with co-star Elizabeth Banks that waxed lyrical on the importance of CGI in modern cinema.

“Are you trying to score right now? You need to wait till the afterparty like everybody else! Why are you dragging Sigourney Weaver into this?” Banks chided her exuberant mascot co-star, tongue firmly in cheek.

As host Jimmy Kimmel was attempting to ambush celebrities with questions from the audience, Cocaine Bear struck again. Wriggling on all fours, the mammal made a beeline for Pakistani activist and Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai, who was in the middle of responding to whether she thought Harry Styles spat on Chris Pine.

Present at the ceremony to celebrate the nomination of the short film she produced, Stranger At The Gates, Yousafzai patiently replied: “I only talk about peace”. Enter Cocaine Bear, stage left.

Upon hearing Kimmel deliver the line “Cocaine Bear leave Malala alone!”, a section of my brain went dark forever. I’ll never live, laugh, or love to the same extent again. Sure, cinema belongs to everyone, but why must someone who has taken literal bullets in her pursuit to eradicate terrorism be forced to occupy the same space as a person in a bear suit pretending to be addicted to cocaine?

While some have called for the swift euthanasia of Cocaine Bear in response to this transgression, I’d argue this method of punitive justice will do naught to halt the ever-worsening war on drugs. In other bear news, season two of the cooking drama The Bear was announced midway through this experience. If these events aren’t a very well-timed coincidence and actually part of some mastermind marketing ploy, I will retract my stay of execution.