‘The Bachelor’ Week Three Power Ranking: Richie Confronts The Bitterness Of Solitude

Well okay, say you’re making a dating show and it’s week three and you’re quickly running out of new situations that will simultaneously humiliate the contestants but also whip them into frenzied arousal. You’ve already made them dress up in sumo suits and rollerblades (great idea, Phillip in marketing, great idea mate) so what else is there left to do?

LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!

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Faith (5 points)

Faith was victorious in the Olympics challenge, which they didn’t actually call that because they don’t have the rights to that thing that hardly anyone is watching anyway. The contestants did a lot of screaming this episode — when they saw the group date envelope, when they opened the envelope, at the advent of being in an (empty) stadium — which makes me think that they’re not letting them out that much.

The first bit of the task was forcing them to shoot arrows at paper hearts and put on crop tops because, yeah okay, sometimes when I’m doing archery I also just get hot around the middle. Alex said: “Every time Richie does anything remotely talented, I’m like, ‘mmm my man’,” which like, calm down girl. Alex was bad at the metaphorical archery. “I liked being next to Alex and watching her fail,” said Keira.

Watching the women roll in giant plastic balls (Alex repeated “Richie” to herself as she rolled, just in case it wasn’t clear that she’s single white female-ing this thing) and then for some dumb reason, wrestle each other in kangaroo suits, was honest to god the most boring television I have ever experienced. You know who loved it though? Richie fucking loved it.

Richie loved the wrestling so much, it was almost obscene. Richie was on the ground manically yelling, “YES, HA HA, YES!” as his eyes rolled back in his head, slapping the ground. I have never seen Richie more animated than when he was watching two women dressed as giant kangaroos wearing boxing gloves, try to pin each other to a mat for his amusement. This is the weirdest and most disappointing realisation of a sexual fantasy I’ve ever seen.

Anyway, Faith won this dumb thing and so changed out of her crop top and into a dress and then they drank champagne in the middle of a stadium and discussed divorce. Salut.

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Nikki (4 points)

Nikki will probably win because she has the same non-offensive sweetness as Richie, but let’s all play along anyway because this show still needs to fill time until MasterChef is back on. Nikki won the group date that was purely designed to further reinforce the retrograde gender politics of The Bachelor by insinuating that women who don’t have an interest in caring for babies are undesirable life partners, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha oh my sweet god why are we doing this to ourselves??

Kiki, Nikki, Sasha, Megan and Noni were tasked with looking after baby dolls so Richie could decide which one of them was ripe for breeding, or something. Nikki immediately starts rocking hers because she has seen it on TV. Sasha can’t understand why her doll doesn’t look like her and Richie, can someone please explain babies to Sasha (and maybe dolls?). “I have a black baby!” she says.

Alex, being the only mother there, advises Megan to hold it over her shoulder. Megan is holding the baby doll like it’s a grenade covered in vomit. Megan then proceeds to dangle the doll over her shoulder by the foot, because babies have NOTHING to do with the ocean and are thus uninteresting to her.

Kiki thinks the task is revolting, but then realises it’s an opportunity to put on a cute outfit. “WHO SAYS MOTHERS CAN’T DO EVERYTHING!” she says, kicking a high heeled foot up into the air. Kill me.

Richie comes in with a baby doll of his own and they all simultaneously orgasm. “You never know what life will throw at you, ha ha,” Richie says, so maybe this task is about unplanned pregnancies? That’s a true test of any relationship! Oh no it’s not, it’s about shaming un-maternal women, haha, carry on. Noni picks up her baby by the head when it won’t stop crying and Richie suddenly yells, “THAT’S ILLEGAL, THAT’S ILLEGAL!!” Cool your jets, Rich! Richie reckons that after the car ride to the mini golf place, he knows the pressure of being a parent, which okay.

All Sasha wants to do is drink her goddamn champagne, but her kid won’t stop crying. She leaves a bottle suspended in its mouth, which in reality would choke and drown a child. “In Russia we are much tougher,” she says with a shrug. “Kiki is a natural!” Richie says just before she drags her baby by the arm, because positive men are easily fooled.

It turns out that these dolls have “happy censors” which same, I guess. Nikki wins the happy test and the others lose, on account of them frequently leaving their newborn babies on the ground and dropping them repeatedly on their heads. “Yay, mummy and daddy time!” Nikki says and everyone plans her death.

Nikki reminds him that a guy has never called her beautiful, just so he says it again. It works! “I don’t think I could ever stop complimenting you, Nikki!” Richie reckons. “Can I kiss you now?” Nikki says. Get it, girl! “Yeah, if you want, ha ha, “ Richie says.

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Keira (3 points)

Keira continued to be a joy this week, calling Kiki a “bogan”, relishing in the insecurities of the other contestants (“YOU DIDN’T GET A KISS?” she said to Kiki. “He knows I’m a serious person,” Kiki responded) and barely concealing her resentment at the absolutely ridiculous physical challenges they are forced to do on this show.

The cocktail parties are where she truly shines, and this week was no exception. “A lot of people say I look really good tonight, but I look like this every night” says Keira. I can’t express how much I enjoy Keira’s confidence. When Richie whisks her away at the cocktail party to discuss how much she hated the Olympics challenge, Keira says to him in a whiney voice: “As if you care, you don’t even think about me”. What a play! Richie is then obligated to say: “I think about you more than you think”.

Go home everyone, Keira has got this.

Richie starts dancing with Keira to prove how much he sometimes thinks about her, more than she thinks anyway, and the other contestants have conniptions. “I could make you smell better,” Keira whispers into Richie’s ear, and I’m not sure what that means, maybe I’m bad at flirting? “He deserves so much more than that,” Alex says, quite savagely. “I’m going to throw up in my mouth,” says Kiki. She takes another swig of champagne.

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Alex (2 points)

Although Alex still has the powerful advantage of the white rose, she seems to have fallen for Richie so fast that she is incredibly emotionally raw. More than once this week, Alex has cried when Richie has had a conversation with girls who aren’t her, proving that she has completely forgotten how The Bachelor works.

When Alex finds out that Richie has kissed two other girls, she is devastated. “This is so awkward!” says Georgia, with glee. Even though Nikki was tricked into telling the group about her kiss, she is forced to apologise to Alex for hurting her feelings. This is madness!! “Kissing is SO intimate,” Alex says in explanation. This is like Lord of the Flies but with chokers.

Nikki reckons Alex flirts with Richie more than anyone else in the house, which is SO UNFAIR because Sasha flirts much more, she just does it so cryptically that no-one really gets it. Richie has started tailoring the dates to each woman apparently, and so takes Alex in a limo to go shopping. “Girls love clothes!” says Richie.

Alex tries on a lot of boho chic dresses and each time Richie says “wow”. Alex is having the time of her life trying on boho dresses and getting Richie to buy them for her! Richie really must know Alex well! Alex forgets that he’s there for a while, until she teaches him the “undie tuck” and he says he’s going to do the undie tuck “after this” which I guess means he’s planning on masturbating later? I was very confused by this portion of the episode.

Alex and Richie once again discuss her child over cosmos and Richie seems panicked. “It’s a responsibility and it’s a big responsibility. I would be taking on a responsibility,” he explains. Alex tells him that the kid’s dad has him on weekends. Phew! Richie’s mind is now at ease. They both agree that love doesn’t have boundaries, whatever that means, and spend the rest of the episode dancing to some musician I have never heard of on a rooftop.

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So, Who Did He Ditch?

Bye Eliza! Guess he didn’t like that piece of velvet you gave him.

Bye Sasha! Really liked it when you ate that rose, bb.