‘The Bachelor’ Week One Power Ranking: Richie Is Crushed By The Tyranny Of Choice
Game on, moles.
Welcome to the first Bachelor Power Ranking! Just to be perfectly clear, this is a ranking of how much power the contestants are holding in the scheme of the game. We would never rank women on anything except how much terrible, beautiful power they wield. The show does that for us!
LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!
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Alex (5 points)
Despite being worried that she didn’t connect with him initially (the only two sentences she had said to Richie were “I have a son” and “Hello, I am Alex”) Alex came in strong this week. She was the only girl to get a single photo in the wacky 1950s photoshoot — a task that further reinforces the outdated gender ideals that provides the very premise of this show. “Let’s take some awesome pictures girls, ha ha,” says Richie. “I might wet my pants,” says Eliza.
You do you, Eliza.
Alex is a part-time model so for a minute she does serious model faces and kind of forgets that Richie is even there (more than once the photographer has to say “look at each other”). “THEY’RE GETTING VERY SEXUAL,” says Keira who is of course watching from the bushes and speaking deliberately loud enough for them to hear. “LOOK, IT LOOKS LIKE HE DOESN’T LIKE HER, HE’S LIKE ‘GET AWAY’”. Keira’s ability to find a vantage point to view and comment on whoever is with Richie — close enough that they can hear, but far away enough that she can pretend they are eavesdropping on her — is one of the things I admire most about her.
Richie says: “We have a cheer squad, ha ha” because boys can be dumb about how girls can sometimes be calculated savages.
Female friendship is so beautiful.
Alex wins points for drawing Richie in with tales of her knockabout youth making cubbies from hay and riding dirt bikes and loving football and she is a Cool Girl, oh yes. Richie even says he wouldn’t care if she had 1,000 kids! “Crikey, you never know these days!” he says. So true Richie, you never know if one woman has given birth to 1,000 kids and lived to tell the tale, you never do know.
Richie is bloody flabbergasted!
Later on Alex held her own in another clash with Keira, which they pretended was about whether a person is allowed to have opinions or not, and was more about Keira being dirty that Alex has the white rose. It involved them both saying very salty things while telling each other how much they respect the other’s honesty. They both really looked like they wanted to drown each other in the infinity pool.
By the end of the conversation, Keira changes her mind and decides that she doesn’t actually know if Alex is a good person at all and yeah, now it comes down to it, Alex is actually a bad person. Alex walks away with the support of the girls and Keira is left whispering maniacally to herself “it is what it is”, whatever that means.
The contestants were absolutely bloody shocked!
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Keira (4 points)
Keira is the person who is holding the most power in how this game is running between the contestants, mainly because everything that she says is lightly threatening. She seems to genuinely frighten the other women and loves to tell them that their interactions with Richie are not genuine.
Keira being supportive of Nikki’s date.
She loves it.
The only person who isn’t scared of Keira is Sasha, as she too appears to be mad in the most delightful way. Keira is thrilled when the photoshoot involves her sharing a milkshake with Richie – specifically, she hopes her “milkshake brings this boy to my yard” which is the most creative euphemism for a vagina I myself have ever heard – but then extremely not thrilled when Sasha is also in the photo. “I will make sure Keira will remember that milkshake for a long time,” says Sasha. Guys… is Sasha planning on poisoning Keira, or?
“You look like Sandra out of Grease Lightening!” Richie says to Keira, just completely getting the reference wrong. Keira then spends the shoot physically swatting Sasha away from her.
Keira makes some friends.
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Olenna (3 points)
Olenna made a very good impression on Richie during their date this week, mainly by aggressively prying into his personal life as soon as they left the mansion. This was a good move, because previous to that their conversations were primarily like this: “The road on the way here was a little bit bumpy” “Yeah, the road was a bit bumpy” “Bit bumpy, yeah”.
Olenna and Richie having yet another fire conversation.
They both agree that you “need to experience life together” before you ruin it with kids and Ritchie likes that Olenna knows that time is precious — a common trait in 23-year-olds. Olenna often talks to Richie in a bored and monotone manner, which seems to drive him wild (this is because she has “a wall around [him]” which sounds super cumbersome). Richie just starts describing her facial features like “your eyes are so big” and then says some more incredibly empty things like “they look directly at me”. He accidentally tells Olenna “wait until you see my bedroom” and they laugh, because they think it’s so funny that Richie wants to have sex with her.
Haha, being an attractive woman is so funny.
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Nikki (2 points)
Nikki made the most of her single date, in which Richie swept her away in a helicopter. As it descended, Nikki kept saying “I LOVE helicopters, I LOVE helicopters” which I’m sorry is just a lie, because no one loves helicopters. All the contestants start jumping up and down because they also cannot believe they are seeing a helicopter!!!
Nikki was overcome by the miracle of flight.
“I was in a helicopter, ha ha,” says Richie. All the girls wave energetically to Nikki like they’re never going to see her again. Keira looks at it like it’s the last helicopter out of Saigon. Richie and Nikki go to a private beach, which I assume, is used primarily for celebrity sex. They go in a rowboat just like The Notebook, but instead with two people who have nothing to talk about and so just keep describing whatever stimuli is in front of them. They laugh for 20 minutes about how corks come out of champagne bottles.
“Lucky you were pointing it up!”
“Ha ha.”
“It would have shot at me!”
“Yeah, lucky I pointed it up!”
“It would have shot at me!”
“It was so lucky that it didn’t hit you!”
etc.
You see, it almost hit her but then it didn’t hit her, do you see.
It breaks the monotony of their otherwise boring date which includes mundane details about their lives (“I like spending time with my family and friends”) and some of the least erotic ocean splashing I have ever seen. “Nikki told me that this is the first date she’s ever been on, which got me wondering what’s wrong with her,” Richie says. Nikki talks about Richie being on The Bachelorette and asks, “How did you go?”. He makes out with her regardless.
Back at the house Keira and Sophie talk about Nikki and it results in the most subtly salty conversation ever to be captured 0n Australian television.
“She’s amazing.”
“She is amazing.”
“I really like her.”
“I love her.”
Woah, watch out Nikki.
Sexy.
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Faith (1 point)
Faith is a wildcard, and very subtly made some significant power plays this week. During the photoshoot she was initially at a disadvantage, mainly because Kiki got the best costume in their photo.
It’s Kiki.
Hi.
Faith then turned her lack of modeling skills into a win by being very funny and complaining to Richie that she was “just sitting here like a potato”. Richie loved it.
He just loved it.
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So, Who Did He Ditch?
Bye Laura! Sorry I didn’t know anything about you!
Bye Mia! See above.
Bye.