‘The Bachelor’ Power Ranking: Love Is A Tall Building And You Have To Jump Off It
The Bachelor gets UnReal.
Remember that TV show Sliders from the ’90s, where Jerry O’Connell travels into other dimensions, similar to our own world but with one crucial difference? Like, there’d be a world where there are too many bats, or a world where there is only one giant bat and he is sassy and powerful?
Well, sometimes I feel like The Bachelor is an episode of Sliders, and the world they have travelled is to one where bland little flan boys are worth their weight in plutonium.
“I love this giant bat so much.”
Anyway, let’s have a look at the winners and losers from this week!
The “Winners”
Jennifer & Jen: 10 points
In my first power ranking, everyone got really excited because in that literal sea of similar looking haughty women, I got confused and thought that Jen and Jennifer were two different people. Well, we all make mistakes, Just Shoot Me, why don’t you?
But it looks like maybe I was onto something, as the power-hungry Jen realised that the best play on her double-date with Liz was to pretend to be emotional and vulnerable and stuff. Thus she let loose “Jennifer” which is just Jen with a very thin coating of ‘real feels’.
“Umm yeah, I guess that there have been times where I’ve felt… sad? Is that the word? And I made the water come out of my eyes, because of the… sad.”
THE TINY FOOL HAS FALLEN FOR MY BLUFF
Not only did it win her a rose, but this very easy play also bumped off her nemesis, Liz. Liz honestly had all the enthusiasm of a substitute bus driver on a long school excursion to a fish factory, but we have to give her credit — she died as she lived: only partially interested in any of it.
Anyway, after winning the group date, Jen was able to revel in the only emotion she truly values: victory.
“Liz is going home and I’m standing here with a rose and IT. FEELS. AMAZING,” gloated Jen.
Florence: 9 points
Florence jumped off a building.
“This doesn’t feel safe at all,” she muttered, looking over the scenic construction site that is Sydney. But more importantly, she told Matty J that she hasn’t decided if she likes him yet, and that poor boy was absolutely lady gaga that he was with someone who wasn’t inherently Mad About You about him.
TFW you realise you’re better than Matty J.
The Scary Face On Sian’s Back: 8 points
This is some Voldemort on the back of Professor Quirrell shit, and clearly it’s trying to get close enough to beautiful pure Matty J so it can drink his silver blood.
Matty J: 3 points
This is the best photo I got where it kinda looks like he’s about to kiss Osher, not that I collect these.
Ah, The Fresh Prince of Dead Air really excelled this week. Usually it’s about people being super creepy towards him, but this week he out-creeped them all by taking a plaster mould of his hand with Florence’s, clasped forever in cold plaster.
What the hell does he plan to do with that? Put it on a shelf in his creepy collection? Is he… is he going to… please himself with it?
Oh no.
The Losers
Sian: -2 points
There was a lot of focus on Sian’s “meltdown”, which involved a half-hearted attempt at quitting and a lot of running away from cameras, but honestly, if I’d come into that horrific Full House–style scenario, I would have probably thrown a tantrum in about two hours. I truly believe Sian is the sanest one amongst us all.
I am however deducting points for the scary face on her back that dictates her every move and using her mortal shell to orchestrate its climb back into power.
Cobie: -5 points
Ah poor Cobie, I think she has actually fallen for that rare bag of white rice we call Matty J, and this week we had to watch her pretend to be ok while Jen and Florence talked frankly about kissing him. She was not into it, but she was pretending to be fine with all the people kissing her hot mug of stew, and honestly, who hasn’t been there before? Everybody Loves Matty.
* SMILING INTENSIFIES *
Liz: -15 points
Like sands through the hourglass, Liz has gone home. I’m not positive, but I’m assuming her home is a long forgotten cavern full of ancient statues, and it’s very quiet and nothing happens.
“I wasn’t going to be a performing seal,” she said, immediately making The Bachelor producers regret not putting a performing seal on the show instead of her.
Not a performing seal.
Every Bachelorette In The Mansion: -25 pts
DID WE KNOW THAT THEY SLEEP IN BUNK BEDS? DID WE ACTUALLY KNOW THAT? THIS IS FUCKED. The mansion needs some Home Improvement.
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The Bachelor is on Channel Ten 7.30pm Wednesday and Thursday nights from now until forever.
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Patrick Lenton is a writer and author. He tweets at @patricklenton.