A Ranking Of All ‘The Bachelor’ Contestants, Based On How Sinister They Seem
#RescueMattyJ
Oh boy. By now, you can’t help but be aware of what The Bachelor and its related shows are about (The Bachelorette, Celebrity Bachelor, Bachelor Kidz, etc.)
This weirdly camp televisual approximation of romance has permeated every corner of our society, the former Bachelors and Bachelorettes slinking into our lives as our radio hosts, reported on our news, pointed out by our mums at shopping centres. But honestly, we don’t watch it for The Bachelor himself. We watch it for the people fighting to win him.
I’d love to talk about the new Bachelor, former contestant of The Bachelorette Matty J but, to be honest, there’s not a lot to talk about. Matty J is a dull hunk of pleasant man who looks great without a shirt, and in no way deserves this level of scrutiny or attention.
That said, I worry for our poor boy. While I’m sure many of the ladies who are willing to go on television to find love are perfectly nice, the majority of them — thanks in part to the show’s editing — seem to be extremely scary and maybe want to lock him up in a tower.
“This time around… the experience is different,” muses Matty, as a stream of strange women arrive in limousines. Perhaps he’s only just now realising that he’s got his own show.
Anyway, let’s rank all the contestants for Matty J’s heart based on how likely they are to decant his blood and sell it on eBbay.
Not Very Sinister Ladies
Michelle
First off: Michelle turned up in a cop car and then literally bound Matty’s arms behind his back with consummate ease. But Constable Michelle Paxton might be both the most powerful woman on the show and the least sinister. She is pure and good; a paladin of virtue.
“I’ve been in the back of a cop car,” haws Matty, excited to recognise things and also to have had a life experience.
“You have?” she asks seriously, her face taser-ready.
“It was for pissing in a bush.”
Michelle basically writes him a warning using her eyes. This goes to Matty’s head, and he says that he hopes opposites attract in spite of his “brush with the law”. Mate, you did a wee on a shrub; you’re not a professional assassin.
Alix
Alix is a body painter, and I am immediately screaming because DID SHE PAINT ON THAT DRESS? Then I see a lower part of it flapping in the wind and I relax. Then I un-relax, because what if she just painted a long flap of skin she has and passed it off as a dress?
Good on her, if so. I wish her the best of luck. If Peeta from The Hunger Games has taught me anything, she will eventually use her skill to paint herself as a rock and jump out and surprise Matty.
Tara
Tara didn’t particularly shine in her Matty meeting. She did show her potential TV husband a really shit tattoo of an emoji in pain behind her ear, and then said “cya mate” as she left.
Laura
Laura is a jewellery designer, and Matty goes a bit Gollum on her, immediately coveting all her sparkles. She also starts off the conversation by saying “the rumours are true” which ???
Matty deftly answers, “Uh yeah they are.” Clearly he has no idea about these “rumours” she is mentioning.
The other ladies like to point out that Laura is “together” and has her life in order, which is a weird judgement to make almost immediately. She has a certain Galadriel formidability, and also apparently looks a bit like Georgia Love, Matty J’s ex-TV girlfriend…
Simone
Simone found the drama at the cocktail party really hilarious, which seemed to be the most genuine reaction in the entire show? I feel like she is the least sinister.
Quite Sinister Women
Leah
Uh, oh — it’s the baddie. It’s Leah, the sexy sex baddie.
We know Leah is the temptress Bond Villain baddie because the music changes to bad-guy music when she enters. Leah ruffles poor Matty’s little hair, and he is (understandably) sad about it! The show clearly wants Leah to be the most sinister, and she’s willing to play that role. All her veiled sexy references either go under the radar, or are way too obvious.
“What are you referring to?” Matty asks gamely. This isn’t his first reality TV romance rodeo.
“Ooooh,” she says “I’ll tell you that… later.”
“Ok!”
“Good things,” she tries, “come… to those… who wait.”
“Ok!”
“I don’t like your hair!” she screams.
Cobie
Why is there always a kooky girl who seems like she went into that machine from The Fly and had her DNA blended with a DVD of Amelie?
Let’s welcome Cobie, who minced onto the scene with a handful of helium balloons, and proceeded to suck all the helium in and HILARIOUSLY talk in a high-pitched voice. As if this wasn’t twee enough, she seemed absolutely flabbergasted when Matty also sucked in the helium and talked back — as if it wasn’t literally the extent of her plan.
I predict that every story she tells about her family is actually about a collection of dolls, named Mummy, Daddy, Grammy and Pops, which she keeps in a dark cupboard. They are made of human hair. It is not her hair.
Laura-Anne
Laura-Anne walked in and declared that her ovaries were tingling, which I assume wasn’t so much because of her attraction to Matty, but more of a spidey-sense warning her of danger.
Also, is her name Laura or Anne? Make up your mind.
Sian
Sian tried to clumsily neg lil Door-Matt by telling him that she hated his shoes. But it’s really difficult to neg someone who literally has a show built around the propaganda of his own handsomeness and romantic eligibility. This was a poor power move. But it shows that she is trying to manipulate him… I guess.
Jennifer
Someone named Jennifer walked in and just smelled him a bunch, which I’m assuming means she can track him forever now?
Natalie
I’m in two minds about Natalie: I think she might be a rare rampant idiot, but at least it comes from a pure place. Where is that place? Not here.
She did manage to wildly piss me off with her declaration that stalking Matty J on Instagram for six months “cured her gayness”. But, with all these stiff white dresses and dagger eyes and serpent tongues, it is nice to have someone literally farting their way around the party.
The thing with larger-than-life characters is that you can’t always be sure they’ll react predictably in any situation. Maybe she doesn’t SEEM dangerous, but she might also run over Matty with a tractor.
Florence
Florence is from Holland, and has given Matty clogs. This is sinister. They are obviously cursed. She wants him to put them on and dance for her forever.
Lisa
Lisa describes herself as a “huge beast”, because she is a tall gorgeous model. Both she and Matty get mildly excited about semi-competitive tennis. Not very sinister.
The Most Sinister And Terrifying People You Will Ever Meet
Belinda
Oh no, Belinda seems extremely sinister. After flashing some big, wild eyes at Matty, she pulls out an oven timer… and makes them both put their hands on each other’s hearts and stare into each other’s eyes for a full minute of silence.
Belinda, who claims she is a love-coach by trade (dubious, considering she thought The Bachelor was a good idea), says this method is a great way of making a true connection. Looking for that long into her eyes would be an excellent way of knowing for sure that I do not like her at all so idk how that worked out for Matty J.
Akoulina
ENTER THE SPIDER QUEEN. Akoulina! Akoulina! Akoulina flutters in, surrounded by a web of ribbons. At first I thought we had another competitor for the sugary sweet eccentric role (already occupied by the Helium Lady). But soon I realised that Akoulina was perhaps the scariest of all the women.
“I don’t worry about the other girls, because I will be wrapping him up in my ribbons,” she says. Yes, and dragging him through your trapdoor to sup his sweet blood.
“I wrap myself up as a gift and present myself to you,” she says, after bamboozling the poor boy with the colours and movement. “Do you accept?”
“Err… yeah.”
DON’T ACCEPT THE PRESENT, IT’S FULL OF SPIDER EGGS AND THEY WILL HATCH ON YOUR ROOF AND GET IN YOUR NOSE.
Jen
I think her name was Jen? Jen has already distinguished herself by running around screaming about how much she hates drama, then causing all the drama herself.
There’s always one drama-maker who fuels a lot of the show’s narrative and I get they are often edited into their role, but it’s clear that Jen kind of likes to act a bit vile and has the features of a poisoner.
Lady Fire Hands
I believe her name is Ellora, and she has the dubious honour of being the only woman of colour on the entire show. Luckily, she is also clearly beyond all these petty plotters and temptresses, in much the same way as a large bird of prey swoops over scavenger birds. She has her eyes on the prize, and the magic fire hands to achieve her goals.
She comes in late, hands ablaze, doing a sexy fire dance. “There’s a fire twirler,” the women mutter. “How do we compete with that?” Everyone knows that man’s most primal desire is to fuck a live flame, it’s true.
Immediately her performance sends AKOULINA THE SPIDER QUEEN into a screeching rage, because her own mating dance is reduced to mere carnival tricks in comparison.
The “Putrid Dress” Lady
I didn’t catch her name, but considering she caused the main drama of the cocktail party with one weird off-hand comment, I find her highly sinister and suspicious.
“That dress is putrid,” she said, and subsequently had the gall to claim repeatedly that she “hadn’t meant it that way”.
My current theory is that she may be 47 mischievous rats who want to bring Matty J down into the sewers to be their king.
Osher Günsberg
What do we really know about this man? What on Earth possesses him to host this show, to wander through this snarling pit of rabid snakes, clanging his champagne glass like the mournful bell of the Titanic?
Is it, as many assume, some kind of Sea Witch-style contract he made with Channel 10 when he was but a boy? Or… is he playing the long game? Is he biding his time, waiting to swoop in and take the Bachelor for himself? To add him to his collection of handsome mannequins in his sex dungeon? Does he live in that mansion, in the highest room, lurking through the hallways at night, feeding off all the frustrated emotions? I think so.
The Winner/Loser: Sash Demon
Sasha? I dunno, she got voted off. We will never see her again, and I’m going to assume it’s because even the producers were scared shitless of her.
She sashayed in, wearing a sash that proclaims she is “Miss Personality”. Cute, I guess? But, as the episode progressed, she studiously conveyed NO PERSONALITY WHATSOEVER. Did she accidentally transfer her personality into her sash? Did she replace her personality with a sash?
Then we begin to notice that most of the sash is blurred out. What could possibly be on that sash that the TV doesn’t want us to see? Is it foul eldritch languages? Evil political statements? Viciously obscene pictographs? IS IT ACTUALLY NOT SAYING “MISS PERSONALITY” BUT… “MISSING PERSONALITY?”
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We can only wish Matty J the best of luck. Perhaps he’ll find true love and happiness… or perhaps he’ll have his spine collected as a trophy. Who knows? I’ll be back next week to keep an eye on our special boy.
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Patrick Lenton is a writer and author. He tweets at @patricklenton.