According to the latest instalment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, “Dead Men Tell No Tales” — but sadly, the sheer fact that a fifth film has been made in this franchise means that Men Are Still Telling Dead (Boring) Tales.

Since (the excellent) Curse of the Black Pearl was released back in 2003, Disney has valiantly tried to re-create the magic that made a film-based-on-a-ride a surprise box office hit. What they’ve ended up with instead is basically the filmic version of photocopying a photocopy of a photocopy — with every new attempt, the quality deteriorates, getting further and further away from the original.

When the first film came out, I was hooked. I spent my middle school internet time looking up stills from the movie. I did a year nine history project about pirates in an attempt to legitimise this fan-worship. When news of a sequel came, I was ecstatic. I rode that wave of joy all the way into the cinema, and left feeling somewhat deflated. But that’s ok! It happens. So Dead Man’s Chest wasn’t Verbinski’s best. Maybe the next one would be better?

Nope! By the end of At World’s End’s I would have happily watched every character die. My love had distilled into pure hate. And yet, four years later, I still went to On Stranger Tides — was it hope, or was it masochism?

In a glorious display of either irony or breathtaking lack of insight, the fourth Pirates movie (and the first not to be directed by Gore Verbinski) was all about chasing the fountain of youth. “Ah, so we are making the fourth movie in a series that people don’t really like” said Hollywood Bigwig, probably. “Let’s make it all about the unrealistic goal of trying to preserve something as fleeting as youth and beauty.”

It was, actually, slightly better than what came before — probably because by this stage they’d put Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom out of their misery and written in entirely new characters. Then they announced a fifth film was being made. WHAT? The only good thing that came along with that was the heckstorm that was Barnaby Joyce announcing plans to murder Johnny Depp’s dogs.

I can’t think of a single positive thing that has been written about this franchise in the past ten years. I don’t know anyone who is pumped to see yet another instalment. Am I living in a bubble? Is there a silent majority who quietly love these movies? The answer is, as always, in the money. They are making a lot of it. Audiences are apparently just hurling cash at the franchise — and while US box office figures are going down with each new Pirates film, around the world it has been going up.

Things aren’t looking as good for Dead Men Tell No Tales. It’s doing better than Baywatch (hard to believe since Baywatch has both The Rock and Zac Efron?) but it’s not doing as well in its opening weekend as the previous Pirates films. To no one’s surprise, reviewers have also panned it.

But the fact remains — there’s still a sizeable group of people watching these films. While I’m not sure exactly who they are, I have some theories:

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Dedicated Family and Friends

If we learned anything from Hallmark, it’s that love is powerful. A lot of people worked on these films, and presumably a whole lot of those people are also loved — loved enough that their friends and family will go out, buy a ticket, and sit through a whole lot of Depp hand acting.

Blame attribution: 7 percent

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Hate-Watchers

Basically, me. Hate-watchers watch a thing they know is bad so they can feel validated in their disdain. See also (but don’t actually): Suicide Squad. Hate-watching is a problem. Sure, it’s fun to laugh at a terrible film, but if enough people do it (and pay for the privilege), money comes in. We worsen the problem; if something brings in money, then studios will keep making that thing.

Blame attribution: 82 percent

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Actual Pirates

You know how police watch crime dramas and angry drivers watch Mad Max purely so they can scoff and go “in real life it would go down like this”? Same here, presumably, but actual pirates. “Parlay?” they’d guffaw “That’s soooooo 1500s.” They would prob have to also buy a seat for their parrots/treasure chests/etc. which would bump up the per-head price.

Blame attribution: 9 percent

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Genuine Fans 

Variety is the spice of life. Different strokes for different folks. One man’s trash is another’s Dead Man’s Chest. By pure statistics, there is a small but real population out there who legitimately enjoy these films on not-an-ironic level.

Blame attribution: 1.9 percent

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Barnaby Joyce

You know it’s true. With every new Pirates film he’s there, attending multiple screenings and stewing. He’s presumably half looking out for stowaway dogs, half appreciating “the sexiest man alive”, and only taking time out to sip hot cocoa from a tiny dog skull.

Blame attribution: 0.1 percent

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Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is out now all around Australia. Do with that information what you will.