Barnaby Joyce Is Straight-Up Threatening To Murder Johnny Depp’s Two Little Dogs

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Barnaby Joyce is threatening to kill Johnny Depp’s dogs.

I cannot convey in words the joy I felt writing that sentence, so I’m just going to elaborate on it: Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce, a senior member of the current government, is warning Hollywood superstar Johnny Depp to take his two dogs out of the country, or else Barnaby Joyce is going to kill them.

This, truly, is a wonderful day.

“A gentleman by the name of John Christopher Depp, 51 years old, otherwise, aka ‘Jack Sparrow’, and [sic] he has decided to bring to our nation two dogs without actually getting proper certification and the proper permits required. Basically, it looks like he snuck them in. We found out he snuck them in because we saw him taking them to a poodle groomer,” Joyce said in an incredible press conference this morning.

“Now, Mr Depp has to either take his dogs back to California or we’re gonna have to euthanise them. He’s got about fifty hours left to remove the dogs. He can put them on the same chartered jet he flew out on, and fly them back out of our nation.

“There is a process if you want to bring animals in. You get the permits, they go into quarantine, and then you can have them. But if we start letting movie stars — even though they’ve been the Sexiest Man Alive twice — to come into our nation, then why don’t we just break the laws for everybody? It’s time that Pistol and Boo buggered off back to the United States.

“And after that I don’t expect to be invited to the opening of Pirates of the Caribbean.”

Is this the best thing to ever happen? Quite possibly. I can’t, off the top of my head, think of a better thing that has happened; certainly not recently. Most days go by in a kind of blur; you get up, you go to work, you come home, and Barnaby Joyce doesn’t threaten to kill any successful actor’s dogs. Not today. Today is special.

If Depp’s dogs are captured they need only yell “parley” and they will be taken to their enemy captor, Barnaby Joyce, for negotiations.

— Rick Morton (@SquigglyRick) May 14, 2015

And if you think Barnaby Joyce is kidding on this, you haven’t seen the way he looks at unfamiliar animals. Every foreign beast is under suspicion. None can be trusted. Any and all unauthorised fauna must be exterminated, swiftly and with maximum prejudice.

Depp’s two dogs were last reported fleeing west, seeking refuge in the trackless maze of the Blue Mountains. Their flight is useless. None escape the slow animal-killing fury of Barnaby Joyce. None.

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