Sweated-up muscles, grunting men, squatting glamours and a whole lot of B.O. Not to mention earsplitting techno and the muffled sound of an instructor yelling at a group of suffering exercisers to “just keep going”.

It sounds like hell, yes. But that’s the gym. A special kind of hell we willingly enter into because, I dunno, we want to live longer? I know. It’s ironic. But it’s the way it is.

Being intimidated at the thought of entering this strange new world is normal. In fact, you’d be crazy if you weren’t. But having reservations about the gym world is just a speed bump. Here are our tips to getting over it so you can get gains instead.

#1 Join A Female Gym

This point is only for the ladies, of course, so if you’re a male-identifying person, you might need to skip to point two. For the others: hello. Welcome to the point that truly changed my gymming experience.

Whenever I went to any other gym that wasn’t female-only, I felt suffocated. I couldn’t figure out how to make my way through the crowded exercise space filled with buff, intimidating men, who’d inch past me with an “‘scuse me sweet’eart” and get my Reeboks in a tizzy (and not in a good way).

But joining a female gym is a whole other, oestrogen-filled experience. It’s positive and inspiring and completely non-judgemental. It’s way less aggressive, but strong all the same. Highly recommend.

#2 Go To A Gym With Classes

No one’s looking at you during classes. Everyone’s just doing their best to keep up with the instructor. You’re also told exactly what to do every five seconds, getting rid of all the worry that you’re “not doing the right thing”.

You’ll learn, you’ll workout, you’ll feel fucking great afterwards. Classes are the bomb.com.

#3 Find Out The Peak Hours And Then Avoid Them

Peak hours mean more people and more people means more stress about what you’re doing. But that’s why 24-hour gyms were invented.

If you’re a morning person, try and train yourself to be a serious morning person. Wake up at five, hit the gym and home by six. I’d be surprised if you have to interact with another human being during that time. If you work better at night, try and hit the treadmill at around 10pm.

Working out alone will give you more space to breathe, and more time to emerge into the world as a certified gym rat.

#4 Book A Few Sessions With A PT

PT sessions are expensive — especially on top of the weekly fee you pay to be a part of the gym in the first place — but if you’ve never really been a gym person, a few introductory lessons will do wonders for your confidence.

A PT will take you through what weights you need in order to get the results you want and which exercises make you look least like a flailing idiot. Plus, they can explain what all those other buttons on the treadmill mean (specifically the ones that aren’t “go” and “stop”).

#5 Listen To Podcasts/Playlists

If all the above don’t work for you, take solace in your headphones. You’re not there to interact with people — you’re there to get shit done and leave. Tee up your favourite podcasts and most kickass playlist and let them guide you through your session. Avoid eye contact if you need to.

Remember: you’re still learning. And like everything else ever, learning how to exercise good takes time and patience. You might not get it in the first few weeks, but you’ll get there eventually.

Also, I fainted on a treadmill once and lived to tell the tale so, you can’t do anything more embarrassing than that.

(h/t: FreshU)

(Lead image: SNL/NBC)