‘Neighbours’ Update: Susan Kennedy Just Tried To Off Izzy!
We're back, baby.
Sometimes people fade in and out of your life, and that’s okay because this is what growing up is all about. If you don’t believe me, ask the oldest person sitting nearest to you. Go on! They love to talk about the past.
Basically, we shouldn’t be surprised to see old flames and previous enemies and past slam pieces and Fake Dees just sort of pop up out of nowhere, because life is just a series of mostly meaningless events that just sort of crash into each other and produce a million other little meaningless ripples that fizz out into the abyss. The past is inconsequential, the future is inconsequential, so don’t even bother to wade through those murky waters of non-reason, okay?
This is all to say: we’re back, baby.
Soak it in, jerks.
We’re back for an extremely important reason: Izzy Hoyland has returned! Yes, you remember treacherous Izzy. She fucked Karl Kennedy (supposedly) and got married to him and raised her eyebrows a lot and then moved to London to join the Rogue Traders.
Welcome back, Izzy!
“Oh please, won’t you direct me to the nearest GP, I simply cannot resist a man of power.”
Haha, I still don’t know what a voodoo child is. Anyway, I haven’t watched Neighbours in a while, but apparently many explosions and deaths have occurred since our last visit. For a reason that is most likely nonsensical, Toad ‘The Toadfish’ Rebecchi, is celebrating his ‘21st birthday’ and it is a ‘90s theme party. Sure, whatever.
Toadie is dressed like a Teletubbie! His friends Lance and Blair from Big Brother are there! A woman dressed like Xena is stressed and just wants everyone to “have a good time”.
(This might be a good time to mention that this is a “movie-length” episode, which means that most of the episode is people standing around in Spice Girls costumes asking each other if they’re having a nice time, okay let’s get on with it.)
Yep, there they are.
“Toadie, if you do not have the most mad and sickest birthday I will voluntarily fling myself into that shallow lake over there and off myself, why yes we did get you that Bubble-O-Bill cake.”
All is not well, however. People are sad about partying because a local man with a ponytail is going on trial for murder tomorrow.
Here he is.
Him.
“Let’s go out and party,” says Ponytail’s girlfriend, Piper. “No Piper, my curfew is 10pm!!!!!!” Ponytail says, emphatically. “C’mon,” says Piper.
“Okay,” says Ponytail.
Good convo. Luckily everyone is sinking passionfruit UDLs at Toadie’s party, so no-one cares about this truly boring couple. Not even me!
Meanwhile at the party — in between scanning the room for hotties — Karl Kennedy tells a woman that her Austin Powers costume is “technically from the 1960s” because you see Neighbours is set in a fictional universe where men sometimes correct women on things that no-one fucking cares about and explain things that are actually inaccurate and every woman is just so exhausted by the disappointment of it all that they share silent looks of resentment and pray for the sun to swallow the earth whole.
Anyway, everyone is having a nice time at the party.
“I think you’ll find Sharon, that Last Jedi isn’t AS good as you think it is, here’s my 54-point argument…”
Karl Kennedy and Susan Kennedy are dressed up like Prince Charles and Camilla, because if you can’t laugh about your husband’s infidelity, what’s the bloody point in anything I reckon!!!!
“Obviously Karl chose the costumes,” says Susan, looking like she wants to murder-sui this whole situation. No-one says anything, partly out of empathy and embarrassment and mostly because they don’t understand these costumes.
“You see, Prince Charles famously cheated on his wife…”
“And I have cheated on my wife – Susan – many times, it’s quite funny actually when you think about it!!!!!!!”
In the other corner of the room (there are precisely three corners) a tall man says to Paul Robinson, “Shouldn’t you be getting changed into your costume, Dad?”
“I just called you dad!” says that same tall man, again.
“Well — I am your father!!!” says Paul Robinson.
What the bloody hell is going on here.
“Oh my god I can’t believe I just called my dad ‘Dad’ what a classic stich up, I’ve sunk too many Double Blacks I reckon!!!!”
Daddy.
Paul didn’t dress up for the party because he’s a cool motherfucker who doesn’t give a shit about this candy ass fake 21st. His son thinks this is an extremely cool thing to do.
In the original corner of the room (corner one) Susan Kennedy gets a text message and walks away from her husband and friends, which is very normal text-receiving behaviour. Suddenly she freaks out — the text was from her bank and it was about their life savings!
“Karl, did you give away our retirement fund?” says Susan. Yes, Karl certainly did do that. “Karl, you’ve gone too far this time!!!!!” says Susan. Wow, that’s saying something.
“Karl, I simply cannot believe you gave away our retirement savings, I cannot believe you did this Karl.”
“Susan please do not raise your voice to me, I simply spent the money on many webcams that I then gifted to friends I have met on medical forums, this is about medicine Susan.”
Meanwhile, Piper and Ponytail are in a hotel in Melbourne. “Boy, I am pretty sad about going to jail tomorrow,” says Ponytail. “I think we should run away,” says Piper. “WAA!?” says Ponytail.
“Yes not going to jail seems like a better plan, thank you Piper for your good and just plan, now let us enjoy this beautiful view of Melbourne, the majestic cultural capital of Australia.”
“Ah, simply beautiful.”
Back at the party, Blair’s phone rings. “You cannot answer it,” says Lance. Blair looks at Lance with the weariness of a man who has been made to attend a fake 21st for a person he’s not even friends with anymore. “I NEED TO TELL HIM,” says Blair. “DON’T TELL HIM,” says Lance.
It goes on like this for quite a while.
Same.
Susan, who has just lost her life’s savings, storms out of the not-21st and yells at Karl, “YOU’RE STEALING FROM ME!!!” Given the extreme regularity in which Susan is required to yell inflammatory statements at Karl, no-one even looks up from their vodka raspberry.
(Susan publicly yelling at Karl in front of doorways on one of the top five most common things you will see in Erinsborough, after suspicious fires and elderly couples taking in mysterious, but rambunctious orphans.)
“Karl, I cannot believe after all we have been through, you would resort to stealing money from me, Ramsay Street’s Susan Kennedy.”
“I have saved every penny I earned from working at Erinsborough High, a school where I loathe every deadshit who wanders in.”
“Susan steady on, you’re being a bit harsh, by the way did you see any hotties in there, I’m looking to set up one of my friends in the medical community!!!”
Karl thinks that it can’t be stealing if it’s his money too, which is a good and correct thing to say. For some reason Susan gets mortally offended and gets in their car, hopefully to drive and drive and drive and drive and drive drive and drive and drive and drive and drive drive and drive and drive and drive and drive drive and drive and drive and drive and drive drive and drive and drive and drive and drive drive and drive and drive and drive and drive her way to a better life.
“That’s it, this is the time that I am leaving for good.”
“I’m gonna wash that Karl right out of my hair, that’s it.”
“Hang on, what’s that Union Jack with legs doing on my hood.”
“OH NO, I HAVE HIT AND KILLED A PERSON!!!!!”
“OH NO, I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE HIT AND KILLED THIS POOR DEFENCELESS PERSON, ONE OF GOD’S BEAUTIFUL –“
“Oh, it’s Izzy.”
“Never mind.”
Hey, Izzy! About a million ambulances appear and Karl is like, “Bloody hell, Susan are you okay!” and just as Susan starts telling him that she is mostly okay, yes, Izzy is like “HEY KARL!!!!!” from a gurney.
“I’m dying.”
“Before I die, I would like to say that it is okay, because I have often heard that elderly women have trouble driving, it’s okay Susan.”
Karl is bloody flabbergasted!!!! He turns to Izzy and says, “Where does it hurt” which is an extremely advanced medical question, you probably don’t get it. Izzy says, “everywhere” which in medical terms mean ‘all over my body, including my privates’. Karl decides to ride in the ambulance with her so he may be on hand if everywhere gets worse.
If the ambulance is a rockin’!
Izzy is totally fine, but the police want to question Susan anyway. Izzy is like, “Relax Susan, I’ll just say I wasn’t looking when I crossed the road”. “YOU WEREN’T LOOKING,” says Susan. “Yeah yeah, haha, don’t worry I’ll just say I ‘came out of nowhere’ it’s cool,” says Izzy. “YOU DID COME OUT OF NOWHERE!!!” says Susan.
“Hahahaa,” says everyone.
“I’m going to cut someone.”
Outside of the hospital room, Karl is like, “Did you hit her on purpose though” while Susan makes a lot of silent scream faces. Karl suggests that Susan apologise to Izzy. Susan looks like she wishes upon Izzy never-ending yeast infections.
“Susan, it really is quite impolite to run someone over, you know.”
“Now is there any chance at all for a threesome, or.”
Susan apologises through clenched teeth, when a blonde-haired teen comes running in and says, “DAD!” to Karl. Wait, what.
Huh.
So, this girl Holly is Izzy and Karl’s daughter. This must be common knowledge because no-one is surprised when she calls Karl ‘Dad’. Holly also does not seem to care that her mum is in hospital, which makes her extremely mysterious and fantastic. “Is she still complaining?” says Holly. “Haha,” says Susan and Karl.
“This is so nice,” says Izzy.
“Yay, everyone is looking at me.”
Back at the party — oh yes, it’s still going — Lance is giving Toadie a 21st speech. During the speech, Lance presents Toadie with the hair that Lou Carpenter cut off his head sometime in the ‘90s. It’s framed, somehow.’
From the corner (corner three) of the room, a mysterious man frowns at Paul Robinson.
Okay.
“Fellas, you’ve hurt my feelings a little bit, I’m not going to lie boys, also what’s a guy gotta do to cop a BBQ Shape around here, is this a party or what!!!!”
“I’m here too.”
The mystery man continues to stare at Paul Robinson and then breaks into Paul Robinson’s room (I think) and frowns some more. He picks up a chess piece. He frowns at it.
Ah yes, we all know what this means.
Ah, yes.
I see.
Hey, were you still interested in notorious fugitives, Ponytail and Piper? Well too bad, you’re going to hear about them anyway. Piper is still trying to convince Ponytail that running away is a good idea. She tells him that she has “10 grand in cash” that she took from his account (you’re welcome!!!) and has brought them disguises. She said she’s “pretty sure” she knows how to get fake passwords and that South America is probably their best bet.
“I’ve thought of everything,” she explains.
“Yes this is exactly how they dress in famous crime film, The Royal Tenenbaums.”
Back at the worst fake-21st of all time, it’s time for Blair to do a speech.
“Hey, Toadie managed to pick up from time to time,” says Blair.
“Hahaha,” says everyone.
“Hey Toad, remember when your girlfriend Sindi left you for me,” says Blair. “Hm, bit weird,” says everyone.
“Oh and Toad, remember when Fake Dee stole all your money,” says Blair.
“Uh oh,” says everyone.
Luckily Toadie loves drama, so he uses this as an opportunity to stomp outside so all of his friends follow him. But bloody hell, Sindi is outside! And she’s here to warn him that Fake Dee is back in the country! What’s a Toad to do!!!
“Boys, I have had a lot of hot girlfriends, you’re right, but this isn’t the time and place for the Toad.”
“My love Toadie, all your old girlfriends are drawn to you, you are irresistible, I’m so sorry Toadie!!!”
“Sindi, that doesn’t make much sense.”
“But I do believe you Sindi, now please tell me that you brought at least one Yowie tonight, it is my birthday.”
Everyone leaves the party, finally. Paul goes to his hotel room, where he is certainly alone, and is so happy.
“Bla bla bla bla.”
“I am also here.”
Uh oh — the cops have come to arrest the Fugitive Couple! The Wes Anderson fugitives run onto the roof to escape. Ponytail says, “Piper, your legs are too short to jump to this other building, have a good life seeya”.
Piper is less than thrilled and also attempts to jump, with little success.
Parkour.
Less good parkour.
Hey by the way, Izzy just got a text saying she has inherited 41 million pounds from her dead husband ‘Clint’! A lot of big news coming through the text line today folks, what a modern suburb. Izzy visits the Kennedy house to share the good news. Susan is extremely, “Bitch get out of my house”. Karl rushes home to see if an orgy is on the cards after all.
“I’m here ladies!”
Izzy is pleased to tell them that even though she was only married to Clint for one day, he was 89 so death was coming or whatever. “He died with a smile on his face,” says Izzy.
“Does that mean…”
“That she sexed him to death.”
To celebrate her newfound sex fortune, Izzy donates $20 million to the local hospital and names a wing after Karl. Okay.
In other news — surprise surprise, Ponytail and Piper are arrested. Because they were acting extremely illegally, Ponytail’s lawyer quits the case. Lucky, there’s one lawyer in Erinsborough who is free for the trial.
“Ponytail, what do you think is better out of Nippy’s and Ice Break.”
The trial happens immediately! “Toadfish, plead your case,” says the judge. Toadie pleads the case that Ponytail shouldn’t go to jail. “I think I’ll send him to jail,” decides the judge.
“Oh no, but Judge.”
Soz Toad.
“Wish I’d had time to get a haircut.”
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Sinead Stubbins tweets at @sineadstubbins and you can read more of her Neighbours updates here. Sign up for her newsletter ‘Did That Happen, Though’ here.