TV

‘Neighbours’ Update: All Toadie’s Old Girlfriends Are Back, Everyone Wants A Piece Of The Toad

Fake Dee wasn't enough, apparently.

This is what we know to be true: Dee is back, except that it’s not Dee. She brought with her a kid named Willow, who isn’t Toadie’s daughter. Somehow it’s 2017, and we’re watching Neighbours. None of this makes sense.

Whatever, we’re in it now and weird shit keeps happening. So Fake Dee (who is actually named Andrea, that’s not important) is full evil and spends her time cackling in her motel room like, “these FOOLS, I can’t wait to run away with all this sweet Bliss inheritance”.

She’s the kind of evil where a frosty glass of Sav Blanc just materialises in her hands as she’s scheming, Sav Blanc of course being preferred beverage of evil women.

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“Nothing like a helping of Marlborough’s finest while taking part in identity theft, fetch Mummy another glass, Willow!!”

When Toadie comes around, Fake Dee puts away the savvy b, so he doesn’t suspect a thing. Then someone rocks up at the motel door and Toadie is like, “Bloody hell! What the bloody hell are you doing here??”

It’s… SINDI!!!

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“It’s me, Sindi!!”

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“Oh yeah, Sindi!! We remember you, we certainly do!!”

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“Wait, I don’t think I do.”

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“Ima just pretend.”

If you can’t remember who Sindi is, she was in the show in the mid-2000s. Here is a video of Toadie breaking up with her and driving her into the “arms of a big, strong man” which is spicy.

Sindi is all “surprise!!” because in Neighbours all anyone seems to do now is take turns showing up on each other’s doorsteps in the middle of the day and yelling “SURPRISE!!”. It works, because Dee and Toadie are truly surprised.

“What are you doing here!!” says Toadie, who is overjoyed that all his ex-girlfriends are drawn to him in a motel room. “I saw that Dee was alive on Facebook!” says Sindi and everyone nods. What a digital age we live in, folks.

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Dee does not seem happy that Sindi is here, even when Sindi says that she looks “sooo great” for someone who was meant to be dead for 14 years. Dee says that it has been a “pretty crazy time” and everyone agrees that yes, thinking someone is dead and then finding out they have been secretly not-dead could definitely be considered a “crazy time”.

Sindi says she has been “travelling” for the last few years, which is highly suspect, but Toadie happily bounds away anyway. When Toadie is gone, Sindi puts on a very threatening face and says to Fake Dee, “You were not answering your phone — what’s going on??”. Of course, Fake Dee and Sindi are in cahoots.

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“I am Sindi, I’m sure everyone has told you about me, my love of vengeance is renowned, I am sure you have heard so much about me, Fake Dee.”

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“I still can’t place you, I’m so sorry.”

Meanwhile, some people are having a baby shower. One man jokes, “Get this man a cuban!” and then another man says, “No, I don’t smoke” and then the first man looks at him in disgust, saying “… it was a joke?”

This guy is the biggest nerd on Ramsay Street. That’s what I think I’m supposed to take from this.

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Nerd.

Anyway, Fake Dee and Sindi are fighting. Sindi thought she wouldn’t be spotted. “THIS IS STEPH SCULLY’S MOTEL,” Fake Dee says, arms flailing wildly. Now Fake Dee is the one who is really cross, gritting her teeth in that way that mums do when they are trying to tell you off without company seeing. Dee says that everything is fine and that she did a little improvising and pretended that Willow was Toadie’s daughter.

Sindi is not here for this at all. “THAT WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN,” she says, which makes me think this it was never part of the plan.

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“Pretty good plan, hey Sind, pretty good plan I did.”

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“Actually, that was a really fucking stupid plan tbh.”

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“IT WAS A GREAT PLAN, HOW DARE YOU SINDI.”

Fake Dee tells Sindi that it’s too late now and if Sindi wants 25K this is the way they are going to play it. When Fake Dee is being her true self, she adopts a very ocker voice and is extremely aggressive.

Fake Dee explains that she broke into Toadie’s house a few times and sprayed Dee’s old perfume around the house (how she did that when everyone seems to be home all day, I do not know). She just repeated all the information about Real Dee that Sindi told her and even got Dee’s old wedding ring remade. That call to Emily to corroborate Dee’s story? That was bloody Sindi the whole time!

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THE REAL EMILY!!!

Toadie wanders back into the room and looks on proudly as his two former missuses embrace. He decides to invite them both to dinner! Sonya is bloody rapt.

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Toadie doesn’t find it weird that two beautiful women he used to date are coming to dinner. Mark says, “Sindi had health issues… right?” which like, steady on Mark, how do you get any actual police work done in between judging every resident of Erinsburgh past and present? Toadie explains that “she’s come good now” so if Sonya could pick up a couple more Chiko rolls for dinner that would be ace.

Of course Sonya is mad suss on the fact that Sindi has suddenly come back, like Toadie is trying to create his own personal harem in Steph Scully’s motel. She doesn’t even think that Sindi and Dee were ever friends! “Aren’t all chicks friends though,” says Mark, probably.

I hate Mark.

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URGH.

At the boring baby party, people are eating Cheezels and making low energy faces at each other. “I can’t wait for it to kick!” says the pregnant woman. “I hope it’s not wearing stilettos!!” says another lady. They all laugh until Cheezel dust coats their fronts, cheeks full of orange styrofoam.

One lady turns up with an oddly shaped item and says, “It’s a massager” when a shirtless dude looks at her funny. Then she massages his butt.

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Nice.

Back at Steph Scully’s motel, Sindi is complimenting Fake Dee on how much she looks like Real Dee. Are we to believe that this Andrea person just happened to look exactly like Dee, or can I go on believing that she has surgically attached Dee’s face to her own face? I miss Emily :(

They met at a catering kitchen or something, and now Sindi wishes she had never even mentioned Dee to Fake Dee! Quite reasonably, Fake Dee is like, “Ah, this was your plan?” Sindi thinks it’s too “real” now and Fake Dee uses her 1930s gangster voice again, and says, “You’ll be happy when the money comes in, schhheeeee?”

Then there’s a knock on the door: Sonya!

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“Heeeeeey, you must be the other girl that Toadie has had sexual relations with, isn’t it swell that we have all had sexual relations with the Toadfish!”

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“So glad you stopped by Sonya, so happy about it.”

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“Goddamn Sonya, why are you here every single damn day.”

Just as Sonya starts lying and telling Sindi that she’d heard that Western Australia is a really interesting place to live, Steph Scully turns up! Yet another woman that Toadie has had sexual relations with! “Look at us, we’re like a congregation of Toadie’s exes!!” says Fake Dee. “We’re not ALL exes,” says Sonya, ‘cos she’s not dead yet, jeez. Sindi then very quickly says that she and Toadie were “not serious” that it was just your standard, garden variety Toadfish Rebecchi fling.

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Once the rest of Toadie’s Galz had dispersed, Sindi starts freaking out and is like, “This is becoming more stressful by the minute” because who knew that identity theft, fraud and the impersonation of a dead person would be this stressful, this wasn’t in the handbook!! Fake Dee says that Sindi won’t get any money if she blows their cover, to which Sindi says “maybe I will drop some TRUTH BOMBS AT DINNER, huh, HOW ABOUT THAT??”

Wtf, who is on whose team now?

Meanwhile, Mark is creeping on Sonya something chronic. “Here’s some tea Sonya, it has calming properties,” he says. “Ah… thanks?” she says, a bit weirded out by the attentions of this cardboard man.

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*contemplates whether she should drink it*

Mark says things with Steph Scully are good as long as he “keeps his distance” which sounds like a good relationship to me!!! “Things will be fine, just like with you and Toad,” he says.

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“How dare you.”

The big twist is that the Bliss family’s papers have come in and they don’t actually have a cent! Dee isn’t entitled to any money! I’ve got a feeling these women won’t be leaving until they have some cold hard cash though.

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“Hahahaha, it’s so easy to steal!!”

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“Not only are we stealing, but we’re hurting so many feelings!!!”

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“Hahaha, what are you guys laughing about??”

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