Karl Stefanovic Eats Vegemite With A Spoon On TV Like A True Patriot, Defeats The Coward Jimmy Fallon
Our national pride has been restored.
Australia’s diplomatic relations with the United States has hit a seriously rocky patch of late, and not just because Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce is going around threatening to kill the pet dogs of Hollywood celebrities. A grave and unforgivable insult to this country’s good name came from foreign quarters recently, and in lieu of killing an entire nation’s worth of pets, one among our number has taken restitution into his own hands.
Yesterday talk show host and miserable American gutter-bird Jimmy Fallon delivered a terrible sledge to this great land by openly disparaging Vegemite, our sacred national spread, on his little-watched late-night variety propaganda show. “It tastes like beef bourguignon that fell on a brewer’s floor,” remarked Fallon’s little sidekick man Steve Higgins. You are pathetic, little sidekick man. You serve no purpose, you and your thieve’s japes. Begone.
This is the face of a coward.
It was against this heinous act of culinary terrorism that Today Show co-host Karl Stefanovic took swift and decisive action, cracking open a jar of the Good Yeast on TV this morning and spooning it into his mouth like it was ice cream. Upon hearing the news, Jimmy Fallon reportedly retreated into his dressing room and began weeping like the wretched felon he is.
“This Jimmy Fallon fella, he’s weak,” Stefanovic said to cheering thousands through a mouthful of salty goo. “I love this stuff.” He took another spoonful, almost gagging on its dark pleasures.
“All day.”
US President Barack Obama reacted to the news by withdrawing the American military presence in Darwin, and has called Prime Minister Tony Abbott to apologise profusely and assure him the criminal Fallon has been placed in custody. Honour has been restored to the land. Thank you for your service, Karl.
ALL GLORY TO THE YEAST.