The Internet LOVES The Mysterious Black Sarcophagus That Will Probably End Us All
A giant black sarcophagus has been opened up, and it's full of poo.
A huge foreboding black sarcophagus was found in Egypt recently, and everyone desperately hoped it was full of gold and treasures, but were pretty convinced it probably just held a horrifying curse.
The reality, as is usually the case, was much more gross and pedestrian.
After some absolutely breathless speculation about the contents of the black sarcophagus, everyone pretty much settled on some sort of dire curse. Everyone loves curses! They’re great plot devices, they help create sexy mummy’s who like beating up Brendan Fraser, and they might wipe out this horrible world and absolve us of all our responsibilities.
Hooray for curses!
I’ve opened hundreds of mysterious black sarcophagi in my time, so take it from me when I say we shouldn’t just rush in and open this mysterious black sarcophagus (1/44)
— James (@cashbonez) July 18, 2018
2012: oh no Mayan calendar says the world might end and we could all die
2018: PLEASE let the black Egyptian sarcophagus carry a curse that will collectively put us out of our misery— zoinks, scoob (@dadvansss) July 18, 2018
Archaeologists open mysterious black sarcophagus discovered in Egypt, on grounds that at this point, unleashing an ancient curse upon the world might actually improve things.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) July 19, 2018
So, when the sarcophagus was finally cracked, everyone braced for a fresh locust wind or a blast of cleansing fire, but were dismally disappointed. In a stunning metaphor for life, the sarcophagus just held three skeletons in a soup of poo.
We can’t even rely on grim ebony coffins to curse us anymore.
The Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities announced that after removing the massive granite lid, they found the skeletal remains of three people amid sewage water that had leaked in. It’s conjectured that the three skellingtons may be soldiers, due to the damage found on one of the skulls.
According to the Guardian, Mostafa Waziry, the head of the Supreme Council for Antiquities clarified for the media that, “the sarcophagus has been opened, but we have not been hit by a curse.” It’s impossible to tell, but he may have said that in a tone of bewildered sadness.
the absolute stones on this bloke, this is going to make a *great* opening for my movie The Curse of the Black Sarcophagus pic.twitter.com/OGqC7eLNYR
— angus livingston (@anguslivingston) July 20, 2018
Anyway, curse or no, everyone still love the poop-filled coffin of bones.
hurry giant black sarcophagus
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 19, 2018
*finds black sarcophagus*
*opens it* pic.twitter.com/MXgKScPwU0
— INDESCRIMINATE HATE (@CursedPix) July 12, 2018
Mexican earthquake reveals new Mayan Temple, drought shows up massive Neolithic henge in Ireland and then there’s the enormous black sarcophagus found in Egypt. It’s either the end of days or a really cunning promotion campaign for the next Indiana Jones movie
— Kate Griffin (@KateAGriffin) July 18, 2018
They open the mysterious black sarcophagus and inside it's David Bowie, alive and well. He then sets about repairing the timeline using the occult knowledge he won through trickery in the Underworld
— iucounu (@iucounu) July 11, 2018
Yiiieeewwww pic.twitter.com/cs8ZNZ86sk
— Tal Waterhouse (@iiTalW) July 20, 2018