Alert: Magpie Attack Season Has Started Early This Year, And The Demon Birds Are Out For Blood

Attention Australia: we regret to inform you that magpie attack season has started early, despite the fact we’re still in the middle of “winter” (thanks, global warming). The demon birds are back, and they’re out for blood.

Don’t take my word for it, though — here’s the Australian Bird Study Association with a life-saving PSA:

Public service announcement – Magpie swooping season has started! Check out the Magpie map to find a safe route through https://t.co/XZ2tRZyFXc https://t.co/7GMX3ZhS88

— Aus Bird Study Assoc (@ABSAbirds) July 29, 2018

This year’s swooping season is truly early. Magpies usually nest in spring, and we tend to start seeing them madly swooping to defend their young from around September onwards. But according to the trusty Magpie Alert interactive map, there have been at least 39 attacks so far in July alone, and some of them have been pretty bloodthirsty.

“Relentless but quiet — didn’t make a sound as it attacked”, was how Mal N from Glenwood described one bird. Meanwhile, Yulia M from Melbourne recounted a harrowing tale from her morning walk to the tram: “suddenly, i feel my head was punched by a bird and my right eye felt a bit pain,” she wrote. “So scary, i nearly lost my eye….cannot believe it happens on such a busy road st kilda road with so many trams and people.”

“Stepped out to talk to my dad on the phone whilst eating an pink lady Kanzi apple,” Lizzie B from Willoughby wrote. “I was swooped without warning as the Magpie attempted to get my apple. Not happy.”

Other reports, like this one from Glenwood’s Mark Bishop, were just chillingly blunt: “Hit on side of face. No warning.”

It’s moments like these that I find it impossible to understand how the magpie was possibly voted Australian Bird of the Year 2017. The faithful and friendly bin chicken, Australia’s best bird, was absolutely robbed.

Anyway, there’s not much we can do now except look out for one another as we weather this hellish demon bird season. We recommend you keep an eye on the map over at Magpie Alert, and make sure to report any attacks you witness. Our mates over at Punkee have also tested out some survival tips so you don’t have to — check them out in the video below.

Good luck, and godspeed. We’ll see you on the other side.