‘Love Island’ Recap #3: Please Kiss Me To Make What’s-His-Name Jealous

Yeah, we’re still doing this! A group of young white people are still in a villa in ‘Spain’ searching for the kind of love you can’t find on Instagram. What a jaded generation!

But love can be hard to recognise and sometimes you must place yourself outside of your comfort zone to locate it. It’s kind of like Plato once said: “Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life”.

Just kidding that’s from Eat Pray Love the movie, let’s get on with this damn thing!!!!

A man named Jaxon has arrived! Despite his Transformers name, he is a man of flesh and bone. In other news, Millie has spent a night in the “hideaway room” (fucking room) with a long-haired gentlemen named Elias. Millie says she only ate strawberries and drank champagne in the room though, because she had a hard time being “romantic”.

Elias think it’s a bit awkward that Millie didn’t want to have sex with him or talk to him at all. I think it’s a bit awkward that Elias gets about wearing a beanie and no t-shirt. Everyone is different!

The Boys™ eagerly crowd around Elias, waiting to hear about all the respectful intercourse he has had the previous night. “Did you get frisky at all?” one of them asks, maybe a blonde one. “Nah,” says Elias. “BE HONEST!” another man bleats.

“Nah,” says Elias.

In another wing of the house, Millie tells Tayla that when she asked Elias if he would ever consider having sex in the house — which seems like a contractual obligation but okay — and was FLOORED when his response was “definitely”. She takes this to mean that Elias wants to have sex generally, with anyone. Maybe even you! (Probably not.) Tayla shakes her head wearily. They both decide that Elias is the type of person who needs to have sex with someone before he can identify his feelings for them. This analysis is based on nothing.

On the other side of the pool, four men watch a dog.

They really just spend the longest time looking at this dog. I start to feel anxious that the dog will run away and then they’ll have nothing to look at anymore. It seems like the men also share this fear, because then they decide to talk about dogs as if already preparing for the dog to abandon them.

“Dogs are the best thing ever invented by man,” one of the men says. They all vehemently agree. “Did you know that dogs are a manmade evolution?” says Josh. “Wow!” says Grant.

Grant tells the producers that he thinks that Josh is a “human Google” because he often knows things that Grant doesn’t know. He then explains to the producers what Josh said about the manmade evolution of dogs, as if he has forgotten that all of his interactions are being recorded and it was just something interesting that he heard at work.

“I just love learning things about the world, really,” says Grant.

Jaxon sits in the pool with Cassidy and tells her that she is so pretty that it freaks him out sometimes. Cassidy says that that’s okay, because it’s good to be honest. “I dunno if you can tell, but I’m a truthful kind of guy!” says Jaxon hopefully. Apart from the misleading spelling of his name, Jaxon does seem very truthful. It seems like things are going really we–

“You’re too short for me,” says Cassidy. Jaxon looks devastated. He is so devastated that to hide his devastation, he makes a joke about drowning.

We’ve all been there!

Meanwhile, Grant is still asking Josh questions about the mysteries of the universe. Josh explains how the Earth was formed (a bunch of space rocks) and Grant is spellbound. “How was the moon created?” asks Grant. “A bunch of space rocks,” says Josh. It seems like there’s nothing that Josh doesn’t know!

“Everything he is saying is blowing my mind!” says Grant, like a window in his mind has been thrust open to let in the light. Josh is quite the intellectual.

“I probably know the least in the house!” Josh confesses to the producers. He explains that most of the time he’s just making stuff up, but because he does it “confidently” people just tend to believe him. I worry about how much incorrect information Grant is absorbing. I bet he’s very vulnerable to phishing schemes.

Things aren’t going well for Millie and Elias! While discussing the local model scene, Tayla tells Elias that a mutual friend of theirs is recently single. Elias is thrilled and decides to message her when he’s out of the house. Everyone is shocked by this blatant disregard for Millie’s feelings. “I think you’re not going to have much of a chance!” says Natasha.

Elias immediately has hurt feelings. Natasha is thrilled.

Cassidy thinks that she has a crush on Josh! Erin, a person who is bored, tells Cassidy that she should tell everyone because when you have a crush and you don’t tell anyone, you act “weird”. Perhaps Erin is right, because when Josh chooses Cassidy for his date, she has a hard time controlling her body.

Cassidy is glad to have the chance at a very romantic date with Josh, in which Millie and Justin are also attending. Everything is going exactly to plan.

The two couples are allowed to leave the house to visit what looks like the food court of Movie World. They have dancing lessons with a flamenco teacher and learn how to gyrate their little toothpick bodies.

Meanwhile back at the house, Natasha dresses Jaxon up as a girl and then dresses herself up as a boy, hilarious.

The couples come back from their date. “They all look like they’ve just had sex!” says Natasha. “They look like they all had sex!” she says again, for dramatic emphasis. Millie kissed Justin very aggressively, to make Elias mad. Later, she decides that is not punishment enough so tells Elias “I’m actually so off you”.

Elias seems unaffected by this update, which infuriates Millie. “Who don’t you bloody like in Australia!” she says. “Why did you kiss someone in front of me?” Elias asks calmly. Millie is outraged that he has questioned her about something she deliberately did to get his attention. “KARMA IS A BITCH AND NOW YOU’LL GET SMACKED IN THE FACE,” she says.

During the entire conversation Elias has a pillow resting on his face, as if he could even summon the energy to remove a pillow from his face and have a conversation with Millie at the same time.

A new person has arrived! She’s a beautiful woman named Mac! “She is very beautiful and gorgeous!” says Jaxon. “I’m the luckiest girl alive!” Mac says, which, bless. Cassidy is initially nervous, as Mac is also “blonde with big boobs” but knows that Josh has committed to her now and is “a man of his word”.

But uh oh — Josh is suddenly confused because he did choose Cassidy, but now there is a new girl in the house. New! “I can’t decide who the frontrunner is,” Josh says about the two women. A true man of his word!

I’m sure it’ll be fine, I think the gals will be fine with all of it.

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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.

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Catch up with last week’s Love Island recap here.