‘Love Island’ Recap #2: In The Garden of Eden, Baybey!

Well, a lot can happen in a week! Oh brother, don’t we know it. Please excuse me, I must mop my brow from the sheer exertion of thinking about the last bloody week! Aha, what a week of television.

Okay, so I haven’t watched a single episode of Love Island since last week, but this is what I can ascertain has happened thus far:

– Two new boys arrived, one with big hair and one with small
– Justin thinks one is a “less hot” version of him
– A love triangle between two women and a man who maybe caught a ball once

The really interesting thing about Love Island is how it can be so scandalous and so mundane at the same time? It’s like watching a stranger’s particularly spicy 21st speech, or an interview with a politician who took a bunch of money to talk about impregnating an employee while he was married to someone else.

Anyway, last night was the night of the ‘Recoupling’ which yes, is very similar to ‘reaping’, I’m so glad you asked! Everyone is excited about ‘harvesting’ their ‘crops’ and it’s all very sexy and exhilarating.

Erin and Eden spent the night in the “hideaway” which seems to be a room with a door. Erin says that she can’t put into words what that experience was like and then quickly decides that she can put it into words and says that it was the “most romantic thing” she has ever done.

Elsewhere, Eden advises Grant that he should take Cassidy to the hideaway. “I’d love to bro. Hectic,” says Grant, who can only imagine the kind of frantic activity that takes place there. Eden also says that having “no distractions” (i.e. five other couples in the room) and just being in Spain (Europe!) meant that it was a “pretty romantic” time for he and Erin.

“The sex was pretty good last night,” he adds, just in case Grant thought he meant something else by ‘romantic’.

Forget them, though! At the other corner of the pool, a girl named Kim is having a conversation with a boy named Charlie! “What’s your favourite colour,” says Kim. “Blue,” says Charlie. “What’s yours?”

“Guess,” says Kim.

The twentysomethings spend their days staring at each from different corners of the pool. Erin is currently staring at Millie. Erin says that she has beef with Millie and accuses Millie of “poking the bear”. At that moment, Millie pokes the bear (Erin) by interacting with Eden in the pool. Erin starts to cry.

“DON’T ACT LIKE I’M CRYING!” Erin warns her towel-mate, Natasha. Natasha freezes, as if she is scared that a single movement will also be interpreted as poking the bear.

Eden approaches Erin and kisses her on the face. He attempts to pull her into the pool and she resists. “Of course I want to get in the pool!” Erin tells the producers. “I want to be the first option toy!”

Oh how I love it when women on this show refer to themselves as “toys” it simply sets my soul aflame.

At the other end of the pool (there are 11 ends) Tayla is showing Josh how hairy her legs are. I have never in my life seen anything less hairy than Tayla’s legs. I have seen cling wrap fresh from the packet that has more hair on it than Tayla’s legs. “She’s a show stopper!” says Josh. Josh starts to tap the flesh on Tayla’s thigh to make it move. She giggles.

Tayla admits to the producers that Josh is nice but he does not give her a “fanny flutter” which is a condition I have heard of before, yes, Tayla all you need is a topical ointment and to see a gynaecologist before your next — oh, she means she’s not attracted to him.

Unfortunately Grant does give her a fanny flutter. She is unhappy about this, so mimes putting a gun to her head. “I feel like I don’t learn my lesson,” Tayla says and compares being involved with Grant to touching hot plates as a child. As another young women who has made bad romantic decisions once warbled, “the heart wants what it wants” by which I mean yes, it’s certainly a terrible decision, good luck though Tayla.

Who else is upset? Erin! Cassidy tells Erin that she suspects that Eden and Millie were in the house together at the same time (???). Erin is upset as she hates Millie “as a person”. Erin starts crying again. “DON’T MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I’M CRYING,” she warns, again invoking her terrifying catchphrase. Cassidy advises that Erin talks to Eden instead of spending the day pretending not to be crying.

“Have you tried to talk to a brick wall before?” says Erin.

“Yeah,” says Cassidy, but I don’t think she ever has.

Eden, sensing a disruption, physically picks Erin up and asks if she is cross with him. She says no. “I’ve said a lot of nice things about you,” says Eden. Erin softens. For some reason, ‘Handle Me’ by Robyn plays softly in the background. Erin and Eden kiss.

Cassidy adjusts what is a either a sheet mask, or the skin of her enemies.

Uh oh — Tayla tells Millie that she still likes Grant! Millie explains that it’s okay, because Tayla is just human! Tayla wants to dump Josh for Grant! “You’ve got to go with your feelings,” says Millie. Tayla just doesn’t want to be rejected. She really IS human.

If you think this nonsense is going to end, well bad luck, it’s not. Tayla confesses her feelings to Grant, who is flabbergasted that something that was an issue two days ago continues to be an issue. Cassidy watches them with jealousy. “I get that we live in a villa, but we’re only human,” says Cassidy. You’re not wrong, Cassidy.

Grant engages in behaviour that does not become him or anyone else who has forgotten that they’re being televised. First he brags about the situation of being wanted by two beautiful women — who have been driven mad by the pressures of an obscene game show — with his mate [insert name] and describes Cassidy’s annoyance as giving her “a face like a slapped ass”.

Then he deliberately starts a fight with Cassidy, warning her that he “hates jealousy” — weird, I think Othello had that same motto — and making her believe that she is driving him away with her insecurity. He later tells Tayla that if she picks him, he’ll be happy… before going to the next room and standing their blankly while Cassidy asks him if he’s going to break up with her tonight.

“What is going on?” says Cassidy.

“… What do you think is going on,” says Grant.

Grant wants one of the women to say “do this!” and the other to say “it’s okay!” but neither of them do, so he just sort of shuffles between them in his white jeans and thongs, our national costume of cowardice.

Tayla feels like she’s going to vomit because she’s nervous about the backlash of stealing Grant from Cassidy. Grant knows there will be a backlash, but does not mention this. A blonde man picks up an iPhone from a dock of iPhones and stares at a blank screen.

Tayla breaks up with Josh who, forgetting the premise of the show, feels that Tayla has “played” him. Cassidy tells Tayla that she and Grant are perfect for each other as they are the most “dishonest people in this villa” which is a MASSIVE call given some people are getting about claiming to have had conversations with brick walls.

Let the reaping begin! Sophie Monk enters in slow motion. “It’s been a pretty quiet week in the villa… said no one ever!” says Sophie Monk. The contestants have been in the villa for a week.

Tayla picks Grant and Cassidy picks one of the new blokes and then bursts into tears while the man pats her awkwardly on the shoulder. The others pick each other until there are only two left to pick and Millie must pick one. Millie starts to cry. “This is part of it,” says Sophie Monk in boredom.

Charlie is rejected! “Did you see it coming,” says Sophie Monk. He did not! Everyone feels a bit sad. Grant and Tayla make out in the bathroom. Jesus wept.

Wait no he didn’t that was just me, see you next week!!

—

Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.

—

Catch up with last week’s Love Island recap here.