Yes, it’s another reality relationship show! Time to crack out the wine (on a Tuesday, yes) and settle down for some fake drama and lots of tears.

The opening voiceover of Channel Nine’s new relationship drama introduces us to five couples. These are people who have “everything to lose; children, homes, loved ones and… [*drum roll please*] each other.” The couples are sent to Fiji to fix their “broken” relationships.

This first episode was essentially a group therapy session. It reminds me of Seven Year Switch with 10x more drama (minus the switch). The group therapy session, allegedly used to make the couples “feel less alone”, just looks like an excuse to cause drama and let all the couples publicly judge each other. And judge they do!

The experts are Sandy Rea, the most dramatic psychologist I’ve ever seen, and Michael Myerscough, a relationship coach (whatever that is). Michael Myerscough has a hybrid English/American accent which makes his commentary sound a little more disorientating than it already was. Also, are those even real names? They sound like something out of a ’90s soap.

Let’s get into it!

The (Un)happy Couples

First up are Lucy and Karl, together 12 years, married for 8 years but now separated. Karl had cheated on Lucy with a client from his personal training business. Apparently, the “most romantic Karl ever gets” is when they drive home and Karl asks Lucy, “do you want a root?”

The couples arrive in Fiji and already Karl’s struggling to navigate his way from the airport. We’re told that the couples need to find their own way to the resort. Can’t believe the producers forgot to budget for airport transfers, oh no! Poor Karl is lost and tells us, “gosh, I can’t even find my way out of Penrith.” Cringe.

Sharday (yes it’s a name, not a new day of the week) and Josh are the next struggling couple, currently separated and with a young daughter. Sharday is very dramatic and looks like a girl who would win a bar fight (nice combo). She’s booked seperate beds in their room and Josh gets the kiddy-bed. Sharday tells us that if Josh tries to get into her bed tonight, tomorrow “he’ll be walking around with a limp”.

Lisa and Dan have a blended family and… I didn’t actually hear much about their issues because without the threat of someone like Sharday coming in and beating everyone up it seemed a bit dull. Lisa describes herself as “high maintenance” and has “identified” that they are “both very sensitive people”. There is a 99 percent chance that Lisa is a robot.

Jodie and Stu are in a sexless marriage, and Jodie’s endless hints about gettin’ jiggy with it are hilarious. Meanwhile relationship coach Michael tells us “they must be angry” because “angry people are not horny people”, a theory which has more than a few holes in it (hello, break-up sex?). For what it’s worth, Jodie actually looks like the least angry person on the show.

Over the last few years, Stu sustained a serious head injury that left him bedridden for a long period of time. He is now fully recovered but “emotionally distant” and doesn’t always want to get down and dirty with Jodie.

Sarah and Keelan are high school sweethearts and have been together eight years. Keelan was the crazy sexy cool guy in high school and Sarah tried to tame his bad boy ways without success. He still enjoys a drink (or 20) but Sarah rightly thinks, “there’s more to life than going out”.

Keelan also doesn’t know what a mimosa is, which makes me think he is only used to drinking goon or beer.

Let The Games Begin

The most entertaining (but unsettling) part of this show is how judgemental the couples are of each other. Their barely-concealed glee at the other couples’ misfortunes and their insecure comments towards each other or behind each other’s backs are really intense.

When Lisa spots Sharday and Josh she calls them “Barbie and Ken”, and comments on Sharday’s boobs which tbh I barely noticed. “I just saw boobs,” Lisa says. This is hardly fair, given she later talks about having had a boob job herself. Why wouldn’t you want to show off your investment? It’s like buying a car and never driving it! Moving on…

Lisa dwells on this for a while. “I’m not threatened by Dan looking at other girls’ boobs,” she says. “It annoys me, because he does it so often […] but I’m not threatened by it,” she continues. Yep. Ok. Totally convinced.

Josh then comments on Karl’s gold chain which, I have to say, paired with his visible chest hair, does make him look like a member of the Russian Mafia on vacation.

This is where it really gets interesting. Enter the group “therapy” session which is much more like a terrible version of the game of “never have I ever” only no one is laughing, and everyone is admitting to doing horrible things to each other.

Sharday admits that she went through her pregnancy on her own because, amongst some heated and horrible fighting, she told Josh that their baby wasn’t his. Judgy Lisa then helpfully offers, “you just shouldn’t do that”. Thanks Lisa. When they talk about how Josh missed the birth of their child, the poor guy looks like he’s about to break down into tears.

Lucy reveals that after she and Karl had children “nothing changed” for Karl, including his workload. She was up all night with their young kids while he was in bed. As Lucy was so tired all the time, she didn’t really feel like having sex (understandable). Kyle did, and felt “rejected” so he had “a bit of a thing” with a client. In other words, he had an affair. He tells us that the fact that it upsets Lucy makes him upset, but other than that he says, “I’ve never really felt guilty about it”.

When it comes time for Lisa and Dan to share, Lisa seems like a bit of a control freak. We find out that when she met Dan, he was married, and she was out on the town on her FIRST day of being single. They’re trying to tell the story behind their relationship problems, but Lisa keeps interrupting.

Dan is trying to get the story out and Lisa cuts in. “You want me to say it?” she asks Sandy.

“No Lisa. Shhh,” Sandy says, actually motioning for Lisa to zip her lips.

“Ooh, I’m not allowed to talk!” says Lisa.

Dan is trying to get his story out and Sandy has to shoosh her again.

Dan finally tells us that when he was away, he broke up with Lisa. “By Facebook Messenger,” she adds.

Comfortable Dan doesn’t like conflict, which is perhaps why the couple haven’t broken up a second time.

After group, the couples are all given cheap-looking symbolic rings to show their commitment. As Sandy Rae says, “rings are one solid continuous piece of metal where there is no beginning and no end”. WOW, she’s really done her research, straight from the dictionary. This show is ground-breaking. I’m learning so much.

Dan makes a totally unromantic declaration: “I would hope to fall in love with all parts of Lisa…warts and all”. She looks pretty unimpressed but gives an equally dry speech where she sounds like a robot again.

Jodie takes her ring, saying “I really want to get our groove back… and get back in the saddle!” Woo! You go, girl! 

Let’s Get Boozy

The “dinner party” is a concept borrowed from Married At First Sight and I’ve got to say, it’s a raging success in this show. When you feed the contestants drinks  at the end of a long day travelling and filming, what could go wrong? Everything, and that is why it makes for great ratings.

Sharday is the first to say “I notice that some of us girls are packing”, referring to their boobs, not ammunition concealed beneath her dress. I like this girl, but she’s clearly making the other girls a little uncomfortable with her comments, especially when she starts talking about naming her boobs.

Lisa gets judgy towards Sharday again and asks her why she lied about her pregnancy. She actually tells the couple that she feels better about her own situation after hearing about theirs. Ouch!

As they get boozy, the secrets pour out, and Sandy’s gleeful voice narrates the scene; each of the couples will be “questioning their relationships” and not wanting to reveal too much to the other couples, but after a few drinks they inevitably do.

Apparently, when Lisa was seeing Dan, Dan’s ex was six months pregnant. Sharday bites back at Lisa from earlier, asking “do you fear that [Dan] will do that to you — cheat on you?”

We also find out that while Sarah had a stint in hospital, Keelan had been messaging some chicks and had signed up to four dating websites. What a busy boy! I couldn’t even name four dating websites!

Karl reveals that the girl he cheated on Lucy with had actually visited their house multiple times to train and had even chatted to Lucy. I think back to the opening scenes, where Karl is eyeing Lucy while she works out doing squats and it is creepy AF (but a clever tactic from the show, oh yes!). It’s weird how he tries to justify the fact that he cheated on Lucy. He keeps saying “we didn’t really have a relationship back then”.

As they head to bed, Jodie hopefully asks Stu, “do you reckon we’re gonna get some action on this bed?” To which Stu replies, “I’m so tired”. Jodie proceeds to furiously clean their room.

While I watched the show, I still couldn’t stop wondering if the whole thing was just a sham filled with failed child actors. As always, part of me weirdly can’t wait to see what upsetting drama the rest of the series will hold.

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The Last Resort is on Channel Nine tonight at 7.30pm. You can watch the first episode on 9Now.

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Megan is a freelance writer based in Sydney. She works in advertising and is determined to end up as a crazy dog lady. She tweets from @meganjaneandrew.