It’s that time of year again! Delete your Netflix account, snap your neighbours’ Foxtel satellites off their roofs (is that still how Foxtel works, I genuinely do not know).

We don’t need any of that “prestige television” that’s “won awards” and “isn’t just about cooking dinner over and over again”; the next six-nine months of our lives (I think this is right?) will be spent watching people explaining different types of food to Pete Evans.

My Kitchen Rules is back.

Last night we got a look at the first group of contestants for this year’s competition. Of course the episode didn’t deliver “THE INCIDENT” like the ads promised (ICYMI: sexist man says mysterious sexist thing, tune in next week to find out ladiez!), but it was pretty entertaining nonetheless.

Here’s the playing field as it stands — from the people I loved, to the people who’ll be copping the meanest tweets and shadiest looks from strangers for the next 2-5 years of their lives:

Karen and Ros – VIC

Karen and Ros are besties who have worked together as midwives for the past 20 years, and I’m pretty sure that, during that time, they’ve also never made a joke that wasn’t based on some part of the female anatomy.

“We’re breast friends” Roz says, pre-emptively pissing herself. “We’re gonna serve some placenta pate!” Karen shouts over a stranger’s dinner table. They’re both wearing uniform shades of light pink and I refuse to believe they didn’t at one point have a conversation about dressing up as their own vulvas.

In case it wasn’t already clear, Karen and Ros are this year’s Rosie and Paige. They’re there to sink a few glasses of chardonnay and have a good time. They’re gonna make friends and add a lot of butter to everyone’s food because LIFE’S TOO SHORT. Also, sure, Karen has a husband (who she met at a Jimmy Barnes concert) but if Manu wanted to smooch a little bit, maybe she’d be down for it. LIVE AND LET LIVE, BB.

David and Betty – NSW

David and Betty are friends from Western Sydney. Sure, “the first thing [David] thought when he saw her was ‘she’s hot'”, but they’re just friends okay. Ha ha no silly business over here, guys. Betty has told David repeatedly that they are just friends. “It’s a bro/sis kind of thing,” she says while David’s face materialises the seven stages of grief.

Aside from the ~friend zone~ shtick the show is very keen on emphasising (their team descriptor is literally “Just Friends”, savage), Betty and David actually seem really lovely. They go to cute markets together, make jokes, and cook things that aren’t boring white people stodge. Sure, Betty is a “social media influencer” and they sometimes talk in hashtags at the dinner table, but they’re pretty funny.

Did you roll your eyes at the ‘influencer’ thing? Well, the producers would also like you to know that Betty loves her mum more than anything, has her face tattooed on her arm, and has helped her out for more than 20 years since she lost her sight. #YouAreABadPerson

Damo and Caz – TAS

Damo and Caz were the first ones to cook this year so they invited everyone to their home in Tasmania. They live here with their two Tasmanian children and their Tasmanian dog and often enjoy cooking Tasmanian food together.

Sold as “Tassie sweethearts”, it’s clear they have a very nice relationship full of good times and jokes, but it’s also definitely underscored by a deep well of resentment as their love for one another can never rival their love for Tasmania itself.

“Tassie, is like, the fresh food state,” Caz says, in lieu of introducing herself. “We’re going to get loads of beautiful Tassie produce,” Damo adds. Later, in a Tasmanian supermarket, Caz yells “we need some apples! Tassie applies! We’re from the Apple Isle™!”

In the end they make some soup with truffles from an implausibly hot truffle farmer, overcook some steaks, and serve a crumble-topped cheesecake that people do not like. Manu said it was “a little bit dense” and offered some detailed advice, and Pete said “I found this… not pleasurable to eat” because he’s presumably already expended all his creative energy writing about how poisonous sunscreen is.

At least it’s not the food’s fault! How bloody good is that Tassie produce! I ate a scallop pie from a petrol station there last year and it didn’t even give me food poisoning (DMs are open if you wanna send me $$$, Tassie Tourism).

Bek and Ash – WA

Bek and Ash are friends from Perth who, when not working as a veterinary surgeon and dental nurse, are constantly hunting for husbands. “We live in hope that we will find our dream men,” Bek says, sounding very Jane Austen while at a beach bar surrounded by dickheads in suits. Their best case scenario involves not only winning MKR but also finding a pair of hot men to wed in the name of good dinner parties.

I mean, that’s a pretty sick plan. But this constant focus on dudes leads to some very weird convos from Bek. “Oysters? I loooooove oysters,” she says rolling her tongue around her mouth in a wholly unnecessary way. “Do you like Kilpatrick though??” the closest straight man asks excitedly. “I looooooove oysters Kilpatrick!!!” Bek says, on the verge of climax.

At one point Manu offers a broad piece of advice to the group, “cook from your heart”, and Bek leans unnecessarily forward over the table and whispers “we will”. Maybe this will be the year a contestant finally gets to have sex with Manu, who knows.

Tim and Kyle – SA

Tim and Kyle are best mates. They do best mate stuff like watch the AFL and eat burgers and listen to Jet. Sometimes they share a bottle of wine as well, but what of it? That’s just best mate shit, okay. They love a cheeky man date.

“Man dates don’t discriminate,” Kyle clarifies for all the outraged viewers at home. “Sunday nights, Wednesday nights…” Tim adds. “WEDNESDAY MORNING!”

These blokes are piss funny.

Their descriptor on the show is “Pub Mates” which I guess is a reference to Kyle bring a bartender but who knows. At one point in the evening Kyle gets so worked up over the correct way to cook a steak he sits stark upright in his chair and yells “THAT’S BULLSHIT” at a stranger, so yeah, he’s a real chill dude.

Amy and Tyson – QLD

Amy and Tyson are brother and sister from Queensland but more importantly they are the villains! Tyson is “very serious” and Amy is a “bitch”, and they want you to know they do not “suffer fools”.

Personally, I think they’re selling it a little too hard. When Karen and Ros joyously tell the table they spend their days bringing new life into the world, Amy literally says “babies are gross” and makes this face.

Through the course of the night, Tyson is revealed as the show’s chief dickhead. He hates all the Delicious Tasmanian Food (seriously, I’m open to tourism money) and thinks it’s basic as hell. Then the producers let us know that he usually likes eating small slivers of sea flesh instead so, yeah, that makes sense.