This Valentine’s Day, Uni Junkee is sharing stories about our love lives – the triumphs, realisations, heartbreaks and really cringey stuff that we all experience in our early 20s. It sure is a jungle out there, but hopefully these stories make you feel a little less alone in it. 

—

This Valentine’s Day is a special one for me. After four years of committed monogamy, I’m set to be spending the first Valentine’s Day of my adult life very single. But I’m going into it without a shred of grief, regret or longing.

The past year of singledom has taught me a lot. Most importantly, that romantic love isn’t the essential, all-powerful life force movies make it out to be.

Love Isn’t Everything

We all have this image of the quintessential “ideal” life: house, spouse, job and children; as if these things are the prerequisites for a fulfilled life. But I would argue all of those things are interchangeable, and none are absolutely necessary, up to and including romantic love.

In a world of #relationshipgoals and doting older relatives wondering when we’re going to get married, there is this intense fixation on romantic love. This fixation seems to make it more desirable to stay in a lukewarm relationship rather than end it and be alone. Which absolutely should not be the case.

As clinical sexologist and relationship expert Shan Boody says, we need to be better at telling the difference between “love is hard,” and “this love isn’t for me.” Sometimes, the struggles you feel in a relationship stem from deeper incompatibilities, rather than healthy conflicts. But it’s become incredibly hard to see the difference, because admitting it would mean a failed relationship, and failed relationships seem to permeate every aspect of your life, when it really shouldn’t after the initial grieving period.

Yes, having a partner is wonderful, and being romantically loved is a good feeling, but it isn’t the be all and end all. There are many other sources of joy in life than having a partner. Romantic love is just a small piece of the happiness pie, meant to compliment all the other slices, rather than substitute them. There’s also career fulfilment, platonic love, family ties, financial security, and a whole host of things that can go into filling a life.

Being Single Is A Victory

I think it’s about time we treat it like that, not just for the 20-somethings that feel pressure to be with someone when wedding season hits, but for those older than us who have found themselves single. We’re all on our own tracks, with different milestones, paces and end games.

Being single should by no means be a mark of failure, and single people shouldn’t be seen as lacking in some essential part of their lives. As we progress through life, our needs and situation ebbs and flows; sometimes a partner is just what you need, and sometimes you’re better off solo. So long as you’re satisfied with the space you’re in, you’ve got just the combination of slices you need for your pie.

And even if you’re not, a romantic partner isn’t the magical cure that will solve everything lacking in your life. That’s way too much pressure to put on one person who’s just as imperfect as you. Listen to what you need, not what everyone around you is saying you need.

What’s more, in a world that’s essentially built around monogamous romantic partnerships, there is a certain strength to be gained in finding fulfilment on your own. Because at the end of the day, you’re the only person you’ll ever have 100 per cent of the time. You may as well spend time to build a good relationship with yourself, whether you have a partner or not.

So, if you find yourself single this Valentine’s day, either for the first or tenth time, take it from me: romantic love isn’t everything, and it never will be.