Google Is Now Basically A Person Who Follows You Everywhere

Science fiction writers have been predicting the future with eerie accuracy for pretty much as long as there has been science fiction — tablet computers by Arthur C. Clarke, tanks by H.G. Wells, the surveillance state by George Orwell and unfettered racism by H.P. Lovecraft.

Now it seems like there is a new and unexpected name to add to the list: A. A. Milne, author of Winnie The Pooh. Milne is the unlikely prophet of the rise of targeted advertising.

Just take a look at this sinister text:

Wherever I am, there’s always Pooh,
There’s always Pooh and Me.
Whatever I do, he wants to do,
“Where are you going today?” says Pooh:
“Well, that’s very odd ‘cos I was too.
Let’s go together,” says Pooh, says he.
“Let’s go together,” says Pooh.

This is a long way of saying, Google is at it again! First they tracked and archived everything we were searching. Then they knew where we were going and how often we were going there. Now they know what we’re buying in the real world — and they’re using this data to prove to advertisers that their creepy following tactics are yielding financial results. Google is essentially Winnie the Pooh — following you everywhere, demanding to know your every thought, then reporting it back to advertisers in return for sweet sweet hunny money.

The search giant has this morning announced it will start monitoring offline shopping. A new tool will track what you spend IRL (sourcing credit and debit card purchases) and translate it into targeted digital ads. This is already done with online purchases, but there’s something a little extra creepy about it now stepping into the ~real world~.

We’ve all had that experience where you’ve done something innocuous: walked into a new shop with the vague notion of buying pants; awkwardly held a friend’s baby as it cried at the sight of your face; watched a cat video online. Then, within 12 hours, your newsfeed know. Ads. There are ads for that shop you’ve never had any online interaction with. Pregnancy tests! Schools in your area! Onesies featuring catchphrases from your favourite show! Courses for how to become a vet!

It’s one thing to see an ad for limited edition Jar Jar Binks leggings pop up on your newsfeed and immediately click “add to cart” (don’t @ me). We’re all pretty conscious that we’re leaving a digital trail of clicks and searches, so — even if grudgingly — it makes sense that data would be kept somewhere as proof of a creepy targeted job well done. It’s quite another thing, however, to see an ad for a shop, pull on your newly arrived leggings, head out the door and go purchase things in real life — then have this data fed back to advertisers.

The search engine giant has said it has gone to great lengths to protect user privacy using “complex, patent-pending mathematical formulas” to protect our privacy while making purchases. Essentially you and the stuff you buy become a string of numbers which Google, the matchmaker, then passes on to retailers. They don’t know who bought what, instead they are told that matches have been made between spending and advertising with an anonymous shopper, which they believe because trust I guess.

The fact that Google have a history of being unbecoming with detail like this, however, is a bit concerning. It’s all well and good to say that ‘complex maths’ will make everything ok — internet users have been given privacy promises like this before. We’ve heard about the security of the cloud; about the unhackable nature of Ashley Madison accounts… Without further detail of how this privacy protection is going to work, however, all we have to cling to is trust, a history of cyberhacks, and I guess, some pretty cool Jar Jar Binks leggings.

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Elizabeth Flux is a freelance writer and editor with a focus on film and pop culture. She tweets terrible puns @ElizabethFlux.