All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 5 Of ‘The Bachelorette’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s 2020 recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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I’m sorry, but I’m so bored.

I’m having so much trouble working out why I don’t like this season, and it’s unfortunately kinda elusive — do I just not like the Bachelorette sisters? Are all the men boring? Do I begrudge other people romantic happiness until my own stupid life works out? Maybe all of these things.

Is the show suffering a bit from COVID restraints? Is the efforts to whip the boys up into a frothy drama failing for the first time, because the men are either too canny or too stupid? I don’t know.

But I think, much like an ill-prepared vampire hunter, that maybe what we are lacking is STAKES. Unlike many of the other Bachelorettes/ Bachelors, I just don’t think there’s anything stopping these two from meeting some boring men and marrying them and having babies. It feels inevitable. Will it happen on the show with the boring men presented to us, or in the back of some paddock somewhere, with hypothetical offscreen men. I don’t know, and I don’t care.

So, yeah. No stakes. No drama.

Hello, I’m Patrick Lenton, and I’m here to eat bread and recap The Bachelorette — and baby, I’m gluten intolerant. Together with my fellow recapper and tier 1 friend, Rebecca Shaw (bread tolerant), we recap The Bachelorette, and try to spot all the ghosts in the background (ooky spooky).

We’ve only got like three episodes left after this, so I dunno, let’s just keep moving forward like a drunk man in the dark: blindly, poorly, with misplaced enthusiasm, and a growing sense of doom.

Let’s rank, baby.

 

LEAST ANNOYING

Shannon

I’m grasping for straws, but that’s because I need a straw to drink from this tiny amount of liquid (the liquid is entertainment). Sip sip, motherfuckers, there’s not a lot of joy to go around, so we gotta find what little hydration we can. I am PARCHED.

ANYWAY. Damien tried to do a striptease at the Halloween party (why is it a whole week early???? WHY???? WHYYYYYYYY) and he sucked. Everyone noticed it sucked. Everyone kinda let him do it though.

These boys all just seem to be kinda vaguely nice to each other, in much the same way I imagine a suburban cricket team would be (idk, when have i ever seen a suburb or a cricket???). They’re just here to toss the ol’ red mango around, hit it with a bat, and get a bit of sun, doesn’t matter who wins, as long as there’s a nice cool bottle of VB (Victoria Beer) at the end of the day, and a couple of hours spent away from the house (which is haunted) and the missus (an ancient sea-ghost named Desmerelda, whose wailing fills your dreams).

But Shannon got up and did a good striptease! And his overwhelming emotion was: exasperation. Like, when your dad gets frustrated at you and is just like “here let me do it, the lathe is a precision tool!”

An exasperated strip-tease is very funny to me. But he did it, he rolled his hips, all the boys were wowed, Beckys ovaries were flooded with the blue liquid that makes you pregnant (?), and that’s it.

Adam, 24

Adam went to the zoo and got painted by Elly. He is very beautiful, and obviously very smart (rock scientist), yet somehow, he is a himbo. How can you be a himbo and have a phd in diamonds and soil or whatever?

I don’t know exactly, but I think he might be an emotional himbo? Big pure stupid emotions, held out for everyone to see, like a toddler with a bit of old food it found in the corner of grandmas car.

Anyway, I love this handsome boy, he’s sweet, he loves the ground, I don’t think he’ll win, but I got to see his abs, and that’s good for me, the protagonist.

Scaring Boys

I keep saying it — if we’re gonna have all these dratted men on our screen, they might as well be nervous.

This episode started with them walking through a very small haunted house, and getting spooked by one thing.

That is most pleasing to me, at this stage of my career.

MOST ANNOYING

Elly and Bicky

So, the premise of MOST of this episode was a Halloween party (again… a week too early), and Elly is like “Me and Bic love to be silly and dress up and stuff” and then walk into the party dressed in like the $2 shop costumes left over, with a generic name like “Spooky Dress” or “Beautiful Witch”.

What are they even meant to be? I’ve never been so annoyed at how BLAND someone’s costume is. They look like cheap goth milkmaids — which would be an amazing costume if they actually set out to DO that. Commit.

Urgh.

Cheaters

There was a spooky game of Truth or Dare at the Halloween party, and the question was asked about whether someone had cheated on their significant other in a past relationship. A bunch of the boys put their hands up, and so did Bocky.

There was a lot of patting each other on the back and talking about how brave it is to admit it, and how you have to grow, and you feel like shit but it’s a terrible thing to do, blah blah blah blah blah blah.

I just have no tolerance for cheating apologism! I don’t care about their guilt, fuck off, just be a better person, it’s not hard. Literally one of the easiest things in the world is to not sleep with someone, I should know (i should stop making this recap all about my dry spell).

Ending this recap on a bit of a dour note, but you know what ends on a dour note? A relationship where someone gets cheated on.

NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN

Aggi, the wizard guy. Disapparated.

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The Bachelorette airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.
Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.