All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 8 Of ‘The Bachelor’
I hope you like Zoom dates - they're like normal dates, but deeply frustrating.
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
Hello folks! It’s September, can you believe it? It seems like just last week it was August!!!!! Now, that would be a normal joke to make if it wasn’t 2020, where it feels like at some point we all got into a big Gravitron and have just been spinning mid-air since, figuratively throwing up into each other’s mouths.
Obviously, the last few months has seen the effects of COVID-19 spread all over the globe and impact every facet of our lives. And now….it’s spread to The Bachelor. The final frontier. Nothing is safe. Last night my co-recapper Patrick Lenton, whose entire vibe is somehow summed up by this image:
explained that Osher had to do his best Sandra-Sully-At-The-End-Of-Big-Brother-When-She-Catches-Up-The-Contestants-On-What-Has-Happened-In-The-World-Since-They-Went-Inside-The-House impression, when he informed everyone about the coronavirus.
There is a coronavirus.
And tonight, we saw the fallout from that, as everyone went home and the show moved online. We got to see glimpses of the women doing normal ‘lockdown’ things such as exercising.
And dancing without any music playing.
And playing Jenga alone.
Normal stuff! But I couldn’t relate to any of them except for Nicole, who simply moved to different spots on the couch while looking at her phone.
We did get to see Locky and the women shot from different angles inside their homes with normal cameras, but any interaction between Locky, Osher, and the women moved completely online.
Osher told the women that this meant online single dates, group dates, cocktail parties, and rose ceremonies would all be via video chat.
mfw everything goes online.
So now it’s time to see how things changed for me, your trusty recapper! Did moving things online make people less annoying? More annoying?
Will I relate to it because over lockdown I fell in love with someone who lives in New Zealand and have been forced to conduct a romance of my own entirely online over the past several months? Did that seem weirdly specific and you’re wondering if it’s true? Sorry, no time to discuss!
LEAST ANNOYING
Locky
Well, well, well! Look at what has happened here. The bachelor himself, a man, has made my least annoying list. This year just keeps getting weirder and weirder! Perhaps partly due to my aforementioned hypothetical romantic situation, I have a lot of sympathy for Locky during this Locky Lockdown.
First of all, Locky is famously an outside boy. He loves nothing more than running around outside, fetching sticks that someone has thrown for him. And now, he has had to be inside, and you can see the sadness in his eyes.
But I actually think he handled the new show developments really well. No matter how produced the scenarios or dates are, at the end of the day, the success of the show depends on the interactions between Locky and the women — and that is a really difficult proposition to face when it’s happening purely over a computer screen.
But Locky’s easy-going adventurous spirit fit this dynamic well, much better than it would have with any other Bachelor I can think of in recent times. Also there was a group date where he chose onesies for everyone to wear, and I unfortunately admit he looked cute in his koala onesie.
Izzy
We learned that in between leaving the house and getting to this online setup, Locky had been texting, calling and/or video-chatting with the remaining women left. Izzy, who in the house had not made that much of an impression on Locky (or me, because I didn’t recognise her) had apparently connected with Locky during the break, and was chosen for the first single online date.
They cooked tacos together over the Internet, with Izzy very impressed that Locky had listened to her and remembered that she likes Mexican food.
This is the bar men have to clear.
I don’t have a joke for this, but at some point Izzy tried to juggle lemons seemingly by just throwing them all up in the air at once and it was funny.
They also had a bath together, and when Locky appeared on screen he was wearing floaties and a bathing cap, and that was the funniest thing that Izzy has ever seen in her life.
Was honestly concerned she might drown.
At Izzy’s reaction I was first like [insert lowbar.jpg], but then I realised we had seen Izzy open a bottle of champagne for herself while cooking dinner, and then she opened another one when she got into the bath.
Whatever the case (of champagne), the two of them had a cute vibe, and Locky showed her (and all of us) his side bum.
That’s something we can all get BEHIND.
Lottie
Lottie is Roxi’s dog, and she is sleepy and cute.
Queen.
MOST ANNOYING
COVID-19
Controversial opinion, but I hate COVID-19. For many reasons, but right now I am talking specifically in relation to The Bachelor. I think the show did a great job working with what they had, but it’s still annoying! Video dates are fun and good, but being together irl is much better. Everyone should get to be with the person they love in real life and completely unrelated the borders to New Zealand should open!!!!!!
Also, I don’t know if it was just me, but it sounded like Osher was shouting the entire time. This was particularly annoying when he was trying to be exceedingly positive and say things like “Locky, you GET TO have a BACHELOR WORLD FIRST, and take someone on a single date…on zoom!”
POV: We’re on a date and i remember you like Mexican.
It’s like okay we appreciate you trying to remain positive, but you just simply are not going to be able to convince us that it’s actually cool and in fact better this way. Let’s just all acknowledge that it is weird and not ideal, and be bitter and alone in our rooms.
Roxi
Boy oh boy this just isn’t ending isn’t it. Roxi was actually pretty impressive this episode – she had to transfer her “having a cry about it” tactics to get Locky’s attention on Zoom, and she did it amazingly well.
The group date involved everyone getting dressed up in their onesies, and asking each other anonymous questions. First I want to give a shoutout to Bella, who got the question “are you here for love or for your social media presence” and she answered “well fun fact, I already have a social media presence, so I’m not here for that.”
Beela.
Roxi was asked this:
Firstly, this is a very funny question, because it isn’t “do you have a secret boyfriend? it is instead “why do you have a secret boyfriend?”
Roxi took real offence to this question, and instead of saying something like “That’s weird, I don’t have a secret boyfriend,” she instead melted down and got defensive and angry and shut off the computer and cried about it.
It was all actually a bit funny, because the entire time she was in this onesie. Anyway yet again it ended up working, with Locky immediately taking her aside at the cocktail party (via a one-on-one Zoom) to check on her. Juliette, who is sick of Roxi’s crying antics, tried to question her about it again later, and that was also annoying.
The entire thing is annoying. Also, if you are going to show that question, we should also hear from the person who asked it, so we have context and also GOSSIP. We are DESPERATE FOR GOSSIP. Give it to us, yum yum. Anyway, boo to Roxi, as always.
NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN
BELLE/BELLA?
Before now I didn’t realise there were two women named Belle and Bella. I think Bella is the front runner, and the one who went home is Belle, but I can’t be bothered checking.
I feel bad for the women eliminated via Zoom, because instead of hugging everyone goodbye and getting into a limo, you simply log out of the zoom and are never thought of again.
RIP.
So that’s it, another episode down. Perhaps soon everything will be done via computer, even this recap! See you next week as we see what kind of online adventures we will experience, and join us in praying for much more nudity!
The Bachelor airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch