All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During ‘The Bachelorette’ Premiere
Here are the men we found most annoying.
Hello and welcome, fans of The Bachelorette! And, also, to enemies of The Bachelorette! And I haven’t forgotten about you, fanemies! I love you most of all.
Whatever your relationship status with The Bachelorette, we are all in this together, and I promise that everything is going to be okay. Especially now that we never have to speak of the man whose name rhymes with Schmoney Schmadger ever again.
So! It’s time for Ali to pick up the search for love where Sophie Monk left off, which was in the arms of a very divorced dad in jeans, as far as I remember? Full disclosure: Sophie Monk’s season was the first for which I had tuned in 100%, because one of the singers of Bardot’s ‘Poison’ deserves nothing less.
I did not see Ali’s season of The Bachelor, but I am all caught up now, thanks to the, “Hey guys, remember Ali? Here’s how she is different from the one hundred fit, blonde women you’ve seen since then,” montage at the start of the episode (which ended with a fit, blonde woman receiving a rose instead of Ali).
It was sad and Ali was very upset, and, also, for some reason, was in a room that looked like the inside of Celine Dion’s brain.
Osher appears and tells us that Ali also had her heart broken on Rejects Fuck by the Beach, or whatever that spin-off is called. And now she is back AGAIN to try and find true love on television, which, at this point, just seems like a cry for help. The coming up montage shows Ali crying a lot in the final episode, so it might literally be one too.
I should point out that, as a lesbian with a strong distaste for heteronormativity and heterosexual culture, I am the perfect person to be doing this.
Rather than traditional rankings, such as ‘most handsome’ or ‘romantic’, I will be rating the men based on how annoying they were to me. Each episode, the list will start with Least Annoying man and end on the Most Annoying man. I will also pick the most Heterosexual Nonsense moment from each episode. You’re welcome!
Ali arrives and seems happy to be there, ready to receive her gentleman callers.
And we are happy, ready to stop watching a group of women fake laugh at the bad jokes of one man, and start watching one woman fake laugh at the bad jokes of many men. Osher mutters breathlessly, “Oh, look at you,” like a proud dad seeing his daughter arrive at her wedding. Also, in this scenario, her mum is dead, so it’s even more poignant.
The two discuss Ali’s terrible track record of choosing the wrong men, and her tendency to get hooked too quickly, but that will all no doubt be different this time, as Ali appears on the television show The Bachelorette to find a husband in a matter of weeks.
Now for a sentence I have never said before. Bring on the men!
When Charlie walked away from Ali, having given her his spiel, I said out loud in shock to nobody, “Oh, no! I found him to be charming!”
Charlie is a 31-year-old builder who made Ali a monogrammed notebook in which to write down her thoughts at the end of each day.
He undoubtedly envisioned her scribbling, “Mr. and Mrs. Charlie Idonotknowcharlieslastname,” over and over. Charlie is tall and handsome, has lovely handwriting, and has obviously seen the movie The Notebook — all the main qualities I assume heterosexual women look for in a man.
I liked that Charlie seemed empathetic to the situation that Ali was in. I also liked that, at one point, Ali asked, “So, you made the wood and everything?” to which he replied, “Yes,” gracefully allowing her to fundamentally misunderstand how trees work.
When he took Ali away from the group, later that evening, to have a one-on-one chat, Ali and I both liked that he was demonstrably nervous when he was around her. We thought that it was cute.
Charlie was not very annoying, and, I think, will probably win.
Robert is Italian! Ali calls him a ‘stallion’ many times. He’s Italian! When Robert tells Ali that he is Italian, she says, “Yes, you look it.” Mamma-mia!
When Robert hands her a bottle of pasta sauce (he’s Italian), and tells her that his family gets together once a year, she interrupts with, “And do the tomato thing!?” to which Robert replies, kindly, “Yes we do… the tomato thing.” At this point I was screaming at the television, “Looking for ALI Brandi! Say Looking for ALI Brandi, for the love of god!!!” because ‘the tomato thing’ is a plot point in the movie, and Ali’s name is Ali. But nobody could hear my desperate cries.
I might just be a sucker for anyone who hands out pasta sauce, but I did not find Robert very annoying. He did test this a little bit when he, later, participated in an ill-advised dance routine, but, for now, I think that he is a very strong contender.
The only man who Ali liked better than she liked Charlie and Robert was 31-year-old Bill. Ali ended up giving Bill the coveted ‘Wild Rose,’ a pink rose that gives one man the power to steal a one-on-one date with Ali at any point.
Personally, I loved this twist, because it forced a bunch of dudes to have to keep saying the words ‘Wild Rose’, and, at one point, it appeared, and a few of them said in hushed and awed whispers, “Wow, the Wild Rose.” Great stuff.
I thought that Bill seemed sort of nice and goofy, which I like in a Disney character, and a man on a reality TV show. Unfortunately, he also participated in the ill-advised dance routine, but overall was negligibly annoying to me, and Ali is obviously keen.
Dan carried a lamb!
At one point, Dan told the lamb that it was beautiful, which was very cute. I have no idea why Dan had a lamb, and, unless I fell asleep, the lamb or his connection to lambs was never explained.
Ali loved that Dan is a country boy, but I am not convinced that he is, only that she thinks that he is because he was holding a lamb.
Why else would someone be holding a lamb? Good question. The only conclusion that I can draw is that, later that night, Robert (who is Italian) and Dan (from the country, possibly) made a lamb ragù for the lads. All in all, Dan was not very annoying.
I thought that Damien was going to be VERY annoying, because he aggressively picked Ali up upon meeting her, and you simply can’t go around doing that, especially when you have neck tattoos. But, later in the episode, he gave Paddy a talking to for speaking disrespectfully about women, and that salvaged his spot (FOR NOW) on the least annoying list.
You might be surprised to see Todd here, and not at the top of the Most Annoying list. Everything about Todd screams ‘Most Annoying.’ He is a generic, white man who arrived dressed in a Suit of Armour in place of having a personality. This would usually annoy me so very much.
However, in this instance, Todd’s suit was made of plastic. Extremely loud plastic. Every time that Todd made the slightest movement, such as slowly trying to get into a car, he would emit tremendously loud creaking sounds. It was very funny.
It never stopped being funny, and I could watch Todd in a plastic armour suit for the rest of my life. I have no idea how he was otherwise; I think that Ali thought that he was good looking. Who cares. As long as he wears that outfit every, single episode, he’s good with me.
I liked his jacket.
NEITHER ANNOYING NOR NOT ANNOYING I FELT NOTHING
Apologies to Daniel, Brendan, Danny, Cheyne, and Taite. I’m sure you would have annoyed me, had you gotten the chance.
Ivan? He’s tall. But, mainly, he loves to dance.
Then? He danced.
Which Ali loved.
Later, he got Robert and Bill to join his crew, and they danced together for Ali.
Which Ali loved.
Slightly annoying, but the man loves to dance more than he loves not being embarrassed on national television, and I can’t hold that against him.
Pete is a real estate agent who thinks he is charming and Justin Timberlake and is mainly attracted to women if they have a nice ass. He also tried to start trouble amongst the men by pitting them against each other, which is the part that is actually fine with me.
He might have annoyed me more if it weren’t for the fact he had to sit in the limo with Todd, and at one point asked if he could “have a go” of Todd’s sword.
I imagine he will annoy me more in the future.
Astonishingly, this man was not the most annoying man on the first episode of The Bachelorette.
That’s right. This man Jules, with that moustache, who rode in on a Segway with army medals on his jacket and shouted “Ali, darling, hello!” was somehow less annoying than other human men that exist. Ali was also impressed, saying “Oh my goodness, I love those things!” I assume she was referring to the Segway, and not the war medals, but it is hard to know.
Jules’ other claims to fame in the episode included running Ali into a tree,
and showing her a smudged tattoo of his friend’s band on his ass. This is truly what we fight wars for.
Jules was pretty annoying, and I cannot imagine he will become less annoying as time goes on.
At 23, Nathan is the baby of the competition. A baby that annoyed me very much. For some reason Nathan’s life was the one that producers gave us a deeper glimpse into, and thank god they did, so we could see such fascinating gems such as
Nathan looking into a mirror at the gym, and
Nathan looking into a mirror at home. Fascinating stuff! Nathan might be young, sure, but he is ready to settle down. You can tell because he said at one point: “I want to come home to a fricken banging chick.” He was immediately set up as the guy for us (me) to hate, but yet again, by some miracle by Saint Douchebaggery, he was surpassed.
Paddy is this week’s Most Annoying. He has an extremely annoying personality, and I’m sure even people who like men found him annoying. But it’s also obvious that he has come into the show to be the villain, and he’s going for it. We are meant to find him annoying, and we are meant to hate him. And guess what, I do! Congrats on a job well done. He starts out by kicking and missing a soccer ball a bunch on his way over to meet Ali.
He then said to her “Obviously I’ve played football over in the UK”, which honestly doesn’t seem like it should be obvious based on the clues she’s been given so far. Paddy spends the rest of the episode literally yelling Ali’s attributes such as “Blonde! Blue eyes!” really loudly. I start wondering how many times he has been hit in the head with a soccer ball.
The majority of the shots of him look like this because he also seemingly can’t stop yelling out the word “Fuck” and keeps getting bleeped. Most of the other men hate Paddy too, but none more so than Nathan. They have a bit of an argy bargy, which carries on and even infiltrates the rose ceremony.
Gosh men are so dramatic, aren’t they!
We started out incredibly strong with the heterosexual nonsense this week!
When Bill introduced himself to Ali, he told her he had a confession to make, and that he wasn’t “actually born Bill, he was born something different.” We then went to an ad break! What a cliff-hanger, what could it possibly be? We came back and he “confessed” that his real name is David. We cut to Ali saying, “He’s not a woman. Tick!” and then laughing with relief.
This was a really shitty moment by everyone involved. Please leave my community out of your television show from now on, thank you.
Never to annoy me again
Ali said goodbye to Honey Badger-lite, and to someone named Brendan who was apparently there the whole time. I hope you at least got a fun story to tell at dinner parties out of this. If I’ve forgotten any men, I don’t care, don’t tell me.
We made it, everyone! Please don’t abandon me now, and see you next time. I love you.
The Bachelorette is on every Wednesday and Thursday night, and Junkee will be recapping every episode like idiots.
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch