A Very Rigorous Ranking Of The Strengths And Weaknesses Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Contestants
They are all magicians.
It’s time to take a deep breath and relax and take stock of our lives in the aftermath of The Bachelor, really let The Honey Bachelor gently go into the light, release him from our consciousness and just take a break — I’M KIDDING, this nightmare will never end, we already have to watch The Bachelorette.
So, we’ve got the first episode of The Bachelorette this week, and so far we’ve been released a baffling list of horrifying men who will all compete for her heart. They’re a bizarre sea of dead-eyed beige men in Tarocash suits. But, one will (probably) win, unless Ali continues the Honey Badger trend of rage-quitting right at the end.
So, let’s take all these waxy bros, these limp-mouthed Lotharios, these pee-legged pals and give them an ol’ fashioned Junkee ranking, based on spite and science and whimsy. Presenting, the strengths and many weaknesses of The Bachelorette contestants:
Job: Sales Rep
Ah, a Todd. *chuckles* I haven’t seen a Todd for many a long year. Your average Todd tends to laugh a few seconds behind everyone else, at just the wrong intensity — either way too loud or quiet, making you feel that he hasn’t quite gotten the joke. There’s a lot of things that a Todd doesn’t quite get, but looking at his face doesn’t give you any context clues. It’s like a freshly painted brick wall — you have to wonder why anyone bothered to paint it in the first place.
Also, he is wearing a suit of armour, a physical replacement for a personality.
He probably stopped being a magician when he got into medieval re-enactment.
Job: Retreat director
Absolutely a kind of regional Tony Robbins style huckster, who starts every sentence with “Hey, look…” while putting his hand on your shoulder.
He calls himself an “illusionist” as if that’s better than a normal magician.
Job: Construction Auditor
Eyes: Deeply panicked
Silky hair like a pampered lapdog.
Is really excited to do some “comedy magic fusion” at the Adelaide Fringe this year.
Doesn’t know whether men can touch flowers safely.
Uses his nephew as an excuse for knowing a whole bunch of coin based magic.
“Who invited Ben? I’m not mad, just confused.” Ben likes to ask people questions about their phone plan.
Proposed to his high school girlfriend by releasing a dove from his top-hat at the school formal.
Job: Gym Manager
Eyes: Deeply confused
Always has a pocket full of warm gummy bears.
SO MANY SCARF TRICKS.
Location: Heavy Machine Operator
The greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing you that he wasn’t a professional magician.
Unfortunately, he is a professional magician
Eyes: Full of hate
I’m going to call him “Brobert”.
Brobert is a hypnotist, or “mind magician”.
Occupado: Chiropractic Student
Does NOT care that he has not matched a single item of clothing.
A very bad yet persistent amateur magician. Catchphrase is “Hang on… hang on… christ… let me try that again”, which is also the name of his sex tape.
Years spent wandering this earth: 27
Occupation: commercial something something
Eyes: very good boy
Will try his hardest
Will try his hardest at getting you to pick a card, any card.
Job: Sports reporter
Played every single corpse in British crime procedural The Bill.
Waggles his eyebrows suggestively when he’s pulling a sad bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.
Soft, strong hands.
Enjoys cutting women in half, both as a trick and as a murder thing.
Job: mechanical plumber
Eyes: Secretly contemptuous
Also a magician.
Job: Bank Manager
Eyes: So confused.
Most powerful yacht.
Magician on a yacht.
Job: Commercial painter
Always remembers your mother’s birthday.
Ivan enormous repertoire of magic tricks to show you.
Job: Former Infantry Corporal
Eyes: Deeply normal.
Normal guy stuff.
Job: Personal trainer
Eyes: They’re there?
Are you honestly telling me we haven’t seen this guy already?
HE’S THE MAGICIAN CLONE FROM THE FILM THE PRESTIGE BUT HE ESCAPED THE BAD WATER TANK.
Job: Events Manager
Eyes: Morally suspect
The Bachelorette is gonna be on Channel 10 every Wednesday and Thursday until the Earth explodes, and Junkee will be recapping them all! Hooray!
Patrick Lenton is an author and staff writer at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.